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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Patrick came home from work one day, and found that his wife Molly and their neighbor Nora had been in a terrible fight. Ladies, said Patrick, what in the world happened here ? Molly explained that she had been to her doctor, and was asked to bring him back a " specimen". Molly asked Nora what a specimen was . Nora replied " you just piss in a bottle". Molly roared back " "well you just crap in yer hat" , and the fight was on !

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    • Navy Seals quote

      Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?

      His reply: "No ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

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      • Smooth shave

        An old man walks into the barbershop for a
        shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get
        all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from
        age.
        The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the
        shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out
        the skin.
        When he's finished, the old man tells the barber
        that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.>But he wanted
        to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that
        little ball.
        The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a
        couple of days like everyone else does"

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        • Finally got a handle on the cats.

          Guaranteed not to rust, bust, collect dust, bend, chip, crack or peel

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          • Noah's Ark finally comes to rest as the waters recede, and he sends the animals out, telling them to them, go forth and multiply.

            All but 2 snakes do as he commands. Noah looks at them, and shouts go forth and multiply! The snakes look at him but do not move. He tries again, Go forth and multiply! Still nothing.

            Noah gets angry and in his most Biblical voice shouts, Go forth and multiply!
            The snakes look up at him and say, We cannot multiply, for we are adders.
            Noah thinks for a while, then grabs his saw and hammer and runs off into the forest (which has grown back, you see) where he cuts down a tree. He saws and hammers and builds a small table. He picks up the snakes and puts them on the table.

            Go forth and multiply! he commands.

            The snakes look at each other, and then at Noah. We cannot multiply. We are adders.

            I have built you a log table. Now you can multiply.
            Play Brutal Nature, Black Moons free to play highly realistic voxel sandbox game.

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            • Italian Daredevils

              Jim H.

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              • Italian Daredevils
                .....Ouch!
                "A machinist's (WHAP!) best friend (WHAP! WHAP!) is his hammer. (WHAP!)" - Fred Tanner, foreman, Lunenburg Foundry and Engineering machine shop, circa 1979

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                • Trust

                  There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
                  for example...

                  A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
                  From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.


                  She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

                  As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

                  "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Rex
                    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
                    for example...

                    A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
                    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.


                    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

                    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

                    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”
                    That is the best joke posted in this thread! Now I am off to invite the In-laws!!
                    Location: The Black Forest in Germany

                    How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

                    Comment


                    • one more

                      A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jane Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

                      Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

                      Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the booze was good , it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

                      Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses wore tight pants.

                      Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

                      Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

                      Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

                      Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

                      Comment


                      • A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC

                        Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

                        The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

                        “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress & Senate, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

                        “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

                        The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

                        Comment


                        • Lots of stories out of Louisiana about the two Cajuns, Boudreaux and Tibideaux.

                          One morning, Tibideaux is finishing his breakfast in his little cabin by the bayou, and hears Boudreax outside, calling his name, "Hey, Tibideaux, let's go cotch us a mess of catfishes!"

                          Tibideaux goes outside, and there's Boudreaux sitting in his piroque, loaded to the top with bags of catnip.

                          "Boudreaux, why you got so much catnip? What you gonna do wit' all that catnip?"

                          "That's what I cotches them catfishes with, Tibideaux. It be the best damned catfish bait you ever saw!"

                          "Boudreax, you ain't got no sense your head, you can't catch catfish with catnip. Go on you silly fool, I ain't wastin' my time fishin' with no crazy coon-ass."

                          "Ok, Tibideaux, I see you tonight. You be sorry you didn't come with me.'

                          So that evening, about sunset, Tibideaux hears Boudreaux outside hollerin' again. "Hey Tibideaux, come see all the catfishes I cotched me todays!"

                          Tibideaux goes outside, and there's Boudreaux sitting in his pirogue, about to sink because it's so full of big ol' catfish. Tibideaux can't believe his eyes, "How in hell you gots all them catfishes?"

                          "I told you, catnip be the best catfishing bait they ever was!" Tibideaux goes back into his cabin, shaking his head in disbelief.

                          The next morning, "Hey Tibideaux, come wid' me, I'm gonna trap me a bunch a nutrias, they mighty fine eatin'!"

                          Tibideaux goes outside and there's Boudreaux sitting in his pirogue surrounded by little pink packets of Nutra-Sweet. "See Tibideaux, I gots me all this nutra-sweet, gonna bait my traps and cotch all kinds of nutrias wit' it. Them nutrias gonna go for it, for sure!"

                          Tibideaux waves Boudreaux away, "Boudreaux, you got's to be the dumbest coon-ass I ever did see. You can't cotch no nutrias with no nutra-sweet. I ain't got time to waste wid' no damned fool cajun that don't know nuthin' about the swamps."

                          "Ok Tibideaux, you gonna miss some mighty fine nutria meat. I see you later."

                          Of course, that evening, Tibideaux hears Boudreaux hollerin' again from the bayou, so he goes outside to see. There's Boudreaux in his pirogue, and it's so full of nutrias, there's barely room for Boudreaux, and it looks like it's about to sink. Tibideaux is speechless, and Boudreax says, "See, I told you should come wit' me. I see you tomorrow Boudreaux", and he poles his pirogue on up the bayou.

                          Next morning, "Hey Tibideaux, let's go into town today!" Tibideaux goes out and there's Boudreaux, sitting in his pirogue like always, and this time, it's full up with p u s s y willows, big stacks and bundles of fuzzy little p u s s y willows.

                          "Boudreaux, what you gonna do in town with all them p u s s y willows?" Boudreaux doesn't say anything, just smiles a great big old coon-ass s h i t eatin' grin.

                          "What you think you gonna catch in town with a bunch of p u s s y ..... Uh, hold on a minute there Boudreaux, let me get my jacket."
                          Last edited by Sleazey; 02-20-2012, 05:19 PM.

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                          • CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

                            Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

                            The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

                            That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

                            Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........

                            You got nice house'

                            ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                            A blonde wanted to go ice fishing... She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

                            After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

                            Suddenly from above a voice boomed,

                            "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

                            Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

                            Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

                            "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

                            The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole.

                            The voice came once more,

                            "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

                            She stopped, looked skyward, and said,"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

                            The voice replied,

                            "No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

                            ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

                            The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

                            'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

                            The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

                            'Try it now,' said one bee.

                            The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

                            The bee answered, 'BP'

                            ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

                            How tough are Australian men??

                            The scene is set: a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

                            Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire: one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

                            Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

                            The night of the long tales begins ...

                            Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crock and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

                            Seth Efrikan Hansie (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

                            Colin, a TOUGH Australian, a man of few words, remained silent ...slowly poking the fire with his penis.

                            -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

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                            • An amish lady is driving down the road in her buggy when a cop pulls her over.
                              Madam he says you have a broken reflector on the back that needs to be fixed.
                              Thank thee she says , i'll have my husband fix it when i get back.

                              Another thing madam,, is i noticed you need to fix that horses harness, one of the reins is wrapped around the horses testicles.

                              Thank thee she says i'll get my husband to fix it also.

                              Arriving home , she told her husband an officer said you must fix the broken reflector on the rear of the buggy, and oh yes, he said there was something wrong also with the emergency brake!!

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                              • Speaking of the Amish...... Amish road rage

                                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWFG4oEn87E
                                Precision takes time.

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