Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[TGTool]

About my dog

About My Dog
Postby Greco » Sun May 06, 2012 11:00 pm
In response to e-mails about my dog...

Please be advised, I am sick and tired of answering questions about my dog, who mauled six people wearing Romney tee shirts, four wearing tea bagger t-shirts, two Republicans, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their cracks, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!

I'm trying to talk him into quitting smoking, but he says it helps get the bad taste out his mouth.

[gizmo2]

A fella worked in New York City his whole life, and decided to leave the rat race and retire to Wyoming. He buys a small 80 acre spread south of KayCee, and after two weeks, he has seen only one truck traveling down the road. One day, the truck pulls up into his drive. The rancher gets out. "Howdy neighbor. I'm havin' a little get together Friday night, you're welcome to come by."
Sure! I'm new around here, and haven't met anyone yet.
Well, I gotta warn ya, there will be smokin', drinkin', and LOTS of cussin'.
Oh, that doesn't bother me; I come from a pretty tough town, I've heard it all!
Well, there will probably be some nudity, sex, and fist fights, too!
I can handle that. Should I bring anything with me?
Oh, it don't matter; it's just gonna be the two of us...

[Black Forest]

It was Friday night and as usual Fred went out to the Pup and had a few drinks with his buddies. Normally when Fred went out and got drunk and didn't come home until real late his wife would deadbolt the door. Fred had to knock on the door so his wife would unlock it so he could come into the house. When Fred's dear wife would open the door she would swing a broom and catch him in the head.

This night Fred decided he would have some fun. He went out to the barn and got his mule and backed it up to the door. Yep you guessed it. She opened the door and took a swing with the broom and hit the mule on the butt. The mule kicked and Fred's poor wife was killed instantly.

At the funeral all the women were coming through the greeting line and giving Fred thier condolances and good wishes.

All the men would come up to Fred in the line and shake his hand. They would lean in and whisper in Fred's ear while they were shaking his hand, "How much for the mule?"

[dewat]

[Black Forest]

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant
birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
$250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice
hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight
stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available
for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel
shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from
Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use
it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to
the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this
check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct. I charged you $200.00
for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager..

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

[Errol Groff]

Two men went into a bar. The first man ordered an H2O. The second man ordered an H2O too. He died.

Groan.

[spongerich]

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

[John Stevenson]

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"


A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."


Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!


Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.


An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing’.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bull****ting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.

[oldtiffie]

Ear Infection

This is supposed to be so true!

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but knew that the Boss would not allow me to take leave. Then thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy', well, he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '...and where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[Bob D.]

The Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at
60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be
silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed
would have been
Higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on,
but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the
driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "




"Only when he's been drinking."

[Ian B]

Angela Merkel arrives in Greece for a visit. She's interviewed by immigration:

Name?
Angela Merkel

Nationality?
German

Occupation?
No, just staying a few days...



Ian

[dogdoctor]

Whats the difference between a Rangerover and a hedgehog?
With a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside

[Oldbrock]

There was a young man from Liverpool
was blessed with an enormous corkscrew tool
He searched the world from pole to pole
To find a girl with a corkscrew hole
And when he found her he dropped down dead
For she was blessed with a LEFT HAND THREAD

[jtrain]

There once was a lady from Chester
Who said to the man who undressed her
I hope you don't mind
I'd like it in my behind
Because my front is beginning to fester

[sasquatch]

There was a young girl from Toronto,

Who was very hard to get onto,

But once you got there,

It was covered in hair,

And she jumped and bucked like a bronco.