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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes' Street towards Murrayfield,
    A Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

    The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.
    As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said,
    'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now -
    Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

    The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'
    'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now -
    'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

    The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London .'
    The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now -

    'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'
    All of the gear, no idea...


    • It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
      Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
      I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
      The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
      antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your
      eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
      family for six generations."
      He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
      chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...
      "The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
      light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed
      the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from
      the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred

      "Sh!t" said the hypnotist.
      It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

      Claude was never invited back.
      Weston Bye - Author, The Mechatronist column, Digital Machinist magazine
      ~Practitioner of the Electromechanical Arts~


      • Happy and Sad ...

        A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

        She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."


        • 25 Lines from Star Wars that are improved by underwear

          (Note: I did not write this.)

          1. I feel a tremor in the underwear. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

          2. You are unwise to lower your underwear.

          3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those underwear, up or down.

          4. She must have hidden the plans in her underwear. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

          5. These underwear may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

          6. I find your lack of underwear disturbing.

          7. These underwear contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

          8. Han will have those underwear down. We've got to give him more time!

          9. General Veers, prepare your underwear for a surface assault.

          10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my underwear back home.

          11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your underwear?

          12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have underwear.

          13. Governor Tarkin. I should've recognized your foul underwear when I was brought on board.

          14. You look strong enough to pull the underwear off of a Gundark.

          15. Luke, help me take these underwear off.

          16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your underwear.

          17. That blast came from those underwear. That thing's operational!

          18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of underwear more heavily guarded than this.

          19. Maybe you'd like it back in your underwear, your highness.

          20. Your underwear betray you. Your feelings for them are strong.

          21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their underwear at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

          22. Yeah, well short underwear is better than no underwear at all, Chewie.

          23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my underwear, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

          24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no underwear.

          25. You came in those underwear? You're braver than I thought.
          At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

          Location: SF East Bay.


          • Paddy and Seamus were swapping sandwiches at lunchtime. After the first bite Paddy jumped to his feet and spat violently.
            "What the hell did you put in it? It tastes terrible!"
            "Crab paste. It was on special at the chemist."


            • The First 2012 Olympics Joke

              THE FIRST 2012 OLYMPICS JOKE

              It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

              A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

              The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

              " McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

              The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

              " Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

              The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

              “O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."


              • What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

                The pickpocket snatches watches.
                At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

                Location: SF East Bay.


                • Originally posted by danlb View Post
                  What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

                  The pickpocket snatches watches.
                  Well, it might depend on the gender and preferences of the particular peeping tom.
                  "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                  • Thanks guys. I appreciate a good laugh and this post is awesome. I have yet to go through and read everyone's additional jokes and responses, but am looking forward to it.


                    • CURTAIN RODS

                      On the first day, the TWA pilot sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

                      On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

                      On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

                      When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

                      He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

                      On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

                      Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

                      They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

                      Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

                      Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

                      Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

                      Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

                      Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

                      Then the ex (TWA pilot) called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to sign the divorce papers in exchange for having the house.

                      Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

                      He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

                      A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . . .

                      And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods.

                      I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
                      "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                      • Wish I had thought of that.


                        • Heard almost the same one only fish in a safe deposit box at a bank that denied him a loan.


                          • Pilot says to co-pilot..."Hey! Hold my beer and watch this!"

                            Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada


                            • A woman was distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

                              Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all your crose. The woman did as she was told.

                              Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

                              Dr. Chang then said, OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

                              Your probrem velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see! Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

                              The woman asked anxiously, Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease ?

                              Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse.


                              • Most people are down on pedophiles but at least they drive slow thru the school zones.
                                Guaranteed not to rust, bust, collect dust, bend, chip, crack or peel