Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Weston Bye]

During a meeting at work, the conversation turned to the unusual styling of the Pontiac Aztek. One of the engineers related that his neighbor had one and loved it. He related that the neighbor stated: "once you get past the ugly, it's nice."

"Harrumph," said the boss, "I wonder what his wife looks like."


True story - I was there.

[John Stevenson]

Old couple were in a pub having a drink, the guys says 'Mabel do you remember this was the pub we first had a date in in 1944, you wore that red dress and we went outside and had a knee trembler behind the pub'

'Yes I remember she says, it was sixty five years ago in the blackout, do you fancy trying it again for old times sake ?

Well unknown to them they had been over heard by a couple of youths who thought this was hilarious and watching a couple of wrinklies sounded like sport to them.

So Bert and Mabel disappeared round the back, Mabel leaned on the fence and Bert lifted her dress leaned over here and got on with it.

Bert was going like a train, his knees were shaking, spit was coming out the side of his mouth and he was shagging for England.

The youths were amazed, they had only see things like this on porn films, the stamina of the man was unbelievable, finally they broke apart and Mabel went to the ladies to tidy up.
Bert was sill on the floor trying to get his breath back when one of the youths approached him and said.

"Look we only took a look as we thought it would be a good laugh but we were dead impressed, were you as virile as this sixty five years ago ?

Eee lad I don't rightly know, that electric fence weren't here then......................

.

[oldtiffie]

Rammed it up

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a senator in the Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

[oldtiffie]

Moggies

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary" said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!" but before she could say "F*#k Off!", the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.............

[oldtiffie]

Funeral

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league'.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club'.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Please pray for Bob.

[oldtiffie]

Married

Aussie stockman’s honeymoon.

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

[jugs]

Old couple were in a pub having a drink, the guys says 'Mabel do you remember this was the pub we first had a date in in 1944, you wore that red dress and we went outside and had a knee trembler behind the pub'

'Yes I remember she says, it was sixty five years ago in the blackout, do you fancy trying it again for old times sake ?

Well unknown to them they had been over heard by a couple of youths who thought this was hilarious and watching a couple of wrinklies sounded like sport to them.

So Bert and Mabel disappeared round the back, Mabel leaned on the fence and Bert lifted her dress leaned over here and got on with it.

Bert was going like a train, his knees were shaking, spit was coming out the side of his mouth and he was shagging for England.

The youths were amazed, they had only see things like this on porn films, the stamina of the man was unbelievable, finally they broke apart and Mabel went to the ladies to tidy up.
Bert was sill on the floor trying to get his breath back when one of the youths approached him and said.

"Look we only took a look as we thought it would be a good laugh but we were dead impressed, were you as virile as this sixty five years ago ?

Eee lad I don't rightly know, that electric fence weren't here then......................

.

John, next time you post something like that, please have the decency to post a warning, thanks to you I've got snot & coffee all over me keyboard & my ribs hurt.

[oldtiffie]

John

Jugs, I reckon it might have been John sans fence when he got lucky at the pub.

Just goes to show that a session of the "DT's" can be of some use.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delirium_tremens

You can imagine the scene when he's shaking his dick after a leek!!! Getting it out and in for the performance would just as bad/entertaining.

[The Artful Bodger]

Now there was this lawyer from Sydney retired to a cottage by the sea and he bought 3 sheep to keep the grass tidy. Time came to have them shorn so he checked the Yellow Pages and made to the call:=

[ring ring] "Hello, Barry's shearing contractors"

[Sydney Lawyer] "I have got some sheep to be shorn"

[Barry] "Yea, thats what I do, but I must warn you that if its more then 10,000 I cant do them this year"

[SL] "Ummm, not that many"

[Barry] "A thousand or so I could fit in next week"

[SL] "Errr, not a thousand"

[Barry] "Well exactly how many then?"

[SL] "Aaaah, three"

[Barry] Sighs, "OK, what are their names?"

[oldtiffie]

Ear wigging

AB,

I thought you were bloody well "ear-wigging" (listening in) when I called that shearer.

[oldtiffie]

H-d

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ar$e, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

[oldtiffie]

Have a nice day

One for the girls.

Think about it fellers.

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

Are you ready for this...........?

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.

Have a great day.

[oldtiffie]

Cross

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"says Sister Helen

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off the windshield! "

[oldtiffie]

Pilot

An old NAVY Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old NAVY flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Alistair Hosie]

good one tiffe my friend Alistair