Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[rythmnbls]

From Nick Mueller

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8NqeD73ZZ4

Enjoy

Steve.

[sasquatch]

A Cowboy meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. peter asks,, "And what great good deeds have you done?"

Well, the cowboy says, i came across a bunch of bikers who were harassing a young woman, and i went up to the first guy, punched him in the face, kicked him in the groin, then ripped his nose ring out, and pushed his harley over into the dirt. Then i turned to the rest and said,, "Now back off, or i'll kick the **** out of all of you too!" St. Peter was impressed, and asked, "How long ago did this happen?" The Cowboy said,, oh, just a few minutes ago.

[Arcane]

It is good that Joe Biden is going to the Republican National Convention to hold high the flag of his party. People make fun of his gaffes, of his embarrassing verbal forays, but he's no fool and he knows how to take it to the other guy. The speech he is working on, to be given in the heart of downtown, just across from the convention site, will be stirring and stentorian: "All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Tampa, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words, 'Ich bin ein Tampon.'"

[TGTool]

The Husband lies dying, with his wife by his bedside.

He says in a weak voice "There's something I must confess."

"Shhhh" said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything is
allright".

"No" the husband replied

"I must die in peace; I had sex with your sister and with your best
friend"



"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you, now close your
eyes".

[Bob D.]

I was reminded of this story by the "making latex gloves go farther" topic that just started.
When I worked in a university chemistry dept, there was a guy in the stockroom who was as lazy as could be and was universally disliked. He was bragging about his upcoming vacation to his homeland ( the Philippines) and was planning to pack a suitcase full of condoms for his trip there. I suggested he just take a box of small latex gloves as he could use each one 5 times. That didn't go over very well...

[TGTool]

Good one!

Along that line of bragging, a friend of mine worked in a shop with one guy who continually bragged about how big he was. Naturally this got a little tiring for everyone else. Finally one day someone decided to call him on it and asked, "You keep bragging about how big you are. So tell us, just how big is that?" The bragger paused a moment, looked thoughtful and said, "You know, I'm not exactly sure. I've never had enough blood to fill it up."

[oldtiffie]

Girl friend: "I'm pregnant".

Boy friend: "I'm sterile".

[danlb]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[dockrat]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying,????"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully
cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!"
he exclaimed."Good," she replied. "Get your own f*@#*%#
blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted

[fraker]

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Mcgyver]

a guy goes into a book store and walks up the the clerk

"have you got that new book for men with small penises?"

she says "I don't think its in yet"

"That's the one!"














.

[sasquatch]

Youth and Old Age:

A dusty old woman prospector came wandering into a town leading an old tired mule.
Stopping at the only saloon she brushed the dust off her and tied the mule up to the post.
Just then a young gunslinger staggered out of the saloon and seeing the old lady, said, hey you old witch, you ever danced?
The old lady looked up and said slowly , No i never did dance and never wanted to.
The gunslinger pulled out his revolver and said, Wel Dance NOW, as he started firing at her feet, and the old lady jumped around like crazy to keep from getting her feet shot off!
The gunslinger laughing emptied his gun and slowly turned to go back in the saloon.
Suddenly he heard the cocking of a double barrel shotgun. Turning around slowly he was staring into the double barrels of the old lady's shotgun.
The old lady said quietly:
Son, have you ever licked a mules ass?
Gulping the gunslinger replied, No Madam,,,, but i have always wanted too!

[jugs]

Most people are down on pedophiles but at least they drive slow thru the school zones.

Pedophiles have given child molestors a bad name

[Arcane]

Here we see a pilot practicing "touch and goes" on the world's shortest but widest runway with several onlookers seeing up close how it's done.







Full story @ http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=002_1350495356

[Arcane]

( Liveleak won't let me link to images.)