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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

    As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

    Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it................any suggestions ?
    Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

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    • Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Harvey's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

      Harvey's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three arrive at the camping site only to find Harvey sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Harvey, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

      "Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?

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      • Christmas! It's just like a day at the office. You do all the hard work and the fat man in the fancy suit takes the credit.

        J

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        • Yoko Ono has been selected to appear on "I'm a celebratory, get me out of here " as a bush tucker advisor.

          Appears she very skilled at this having existed for 30 years living off a dead beetle.
          .

          Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.



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          • A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester UK , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

            You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


            So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


            Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


            She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


            Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
            'That's nice, she thinks, 'but I want more.'


            So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

            Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


            'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


            She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

            Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...


            'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
            Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


            Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
            She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


            Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



            PLEASE NOTE:
            To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

            The first floor has wives that love sex.

            The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

            The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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            • A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

              "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

              Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck...I'll treat her!"

              So, they walked past it again...
              Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

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              • Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
                "The Administration does not support blowing up planets." --- Finally some SENSIBLE policy from the Gov!

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                • Andy and Sandy had had a big night out in glasgow and they were making there unsteady way home when Sandy said
                  "I'm a bit scared to fart. I could fill me breechs"
                  Andy replied"duck off down the alley and I'll stand guard here".
                  A long time passed
                  Andy whispered into the dark,"Are you alright?"
                  Sandy replied"Aye, I'm fine. Have you got a piece of paper?"
                  "Don't be so bloody mean.Come away and leave it there."

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                  • Divorced Barbie



                    The Divorced Barbie Doll

                    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

                    He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

                    The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:

                    Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,

                    Beach Barbie for $19.95,

                    Disco Barbie for $19.95,

                    Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

                    Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,

                    Skater Barbie for $19.95,

                    and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

                    The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

                    The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

                    'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
                    Ken's Car,
                    Ken's House,
                    Ken's Boat,
                    Ken's Furniture,
                    Ken's Computer,
                    One of Ken's Friends, and
                    a key chain made from Ken's balls.


                    Peter
                    I have tools I don't know how to use!!

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                    • Subject: Laugh for today
                      This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
                      A wife asks her husband,
                      "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, And if they have avocados, get 6."
                      A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
                      The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
                      He replied, "They had avocados."
                      (If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Males will get it the first time.)

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                      • At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and they
                        started looking for a new one to hire.

                        A retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant came to apply for the position. The
                        boss thought what the hell do these guys know about fine wine? And
                        how to get rid of him?

                        They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

                        Gunny tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on
                        a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

                        "That's correct," said the boss (thinking lucky guess). "try this glass,
                        please."

                        "It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels,
                        matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

                        "Absolutely correct. A third glass." (now he is wondering what is going on)

                        ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,''

                        The director was astonished and winked at his secretary...she left the
                        room and came back with a glass of urine tinted with red food coloring.

                        Gunny tried it and smacked his lips....

                        "blonde, 16 years old, three months pregnant; and if I don't get
                        the job, I'll name the father."

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                        • As you probably know, if you have been to Vegas, each casino has their own chips.
                          Well it turns out that Vegas has a very high church turnout and they get a lot of these chips in the collection plate.

                          The problem is that the casinos don't take the competing casinos chips so the church has a lot of mixed chips that must be sorted.
                          These chips are boxed up and sent to a monastery in California where they are sorted and returned.

                          And who are the people that sort these chips?
                          Chip Monks of course.
                          Guaranteed not to rust, bust, collect dust, bend, chip, crack or peel

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                          • Inner Peace

                            Inner Peace

                            I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we start a new year we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started"

                            So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

                            You have no idea how freakin good I feel....

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                            • Teacher said:
                              Class, I want you to punctuate this sentence. "no worry".

                              Timmy wrote:
                              period period period no period worry!
                              At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

                              Location: SF East Bay.

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                              • A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
                                She says hello.
                                He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

                                So he says, 'Do you know me?'
                                To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

                                Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
                                'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

                                She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'



                                OUCH!

                                WATCH OUT FOR THOSE SCHOOL TEACHERS!

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