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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • There were three little dwarfs sitting around one day talking about the Guineas Book of World Records. The one said he bet he had the smallest hands in the world. So he runs into the library to read in the book if he is in there. A little while later he comes out smiling. The other two are all excited and ask him if he made the book. Yes I am in there! Yahoo!

    Then next one says he thinks he has the smallest feet in the world. Same deal he runs in to check and a little while later he comes out smiling. Yahoo!! I have the smallest feet in the world!

    So the third one thinks and says he thinks he has the smallest penis in the world. Bam, off he goes to check. A short time later he comes out with his head hanging down. The other two run up and say hey what's up?

    He then says, " Either of you two know who A.K. Boomer is?"
    Location: The Black Forest in Germany

    How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!


    • Hah!
      John M...your (un)usual basement dweller


      • Motorcycle and the Dishes

        Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems better than a new one, although it is ten years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ten years.

        "Well, it's quite simple really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a pocket sized tube of Vaseline.

        That night his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally they take the bike there.

        Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

        "No problem." he says. And they go in.

        Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

        They sit down to dinner and sure enough no one says a word.

        As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

        No one says a word.

        So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

        Still nobody says a word.

        So he stands up, grabs Sandra, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her right there, in front of her parents.

        His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

        He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

        Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

        All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

        Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls out the tube of Vaseline from his pocket.

        Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, enough, enough, I'll do the friggin' dishes!"


        • A bad day of fishing is not always better than a good at work.

          При комментарии этого видео,обращайте внимание, что видео выложено в категории "Юмор".
          Jim H.


          • Tiger Woods in Ireland

            On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

            The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

            "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

            Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

            "What are those?", asks the attendant.

            "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

            "Well, what on G-d's earth are dey for?", inquires the Irishman.

            "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

            "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman,

            "Mercedes thinks of everything!".


            • The Texas Midget

              A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

              The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

              "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

              The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

              The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

              The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."


              • Don't know if this is true or not. In either case its still funny.

                86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

                Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

                Dear Sir:

                I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
                By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

                I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

                You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

                My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
                I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

                From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

                My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

                Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

                Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

                I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

                Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

                In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

                I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

                As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

                Let me level the playing field even further.

                When you call me, press buttons as follows:


                #1. To make an appointment to see me

                #2. To query a missing payment.

                #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

                #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

                #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

                #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

                #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

                Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

                #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

                #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

                The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

                #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

                While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for theduration of the call.

                Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

                May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

                Your Humble Client

                And remember: Don't make old People mad.

                We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us!


                • good one

                  À l’époque où le débat fait rage entre les prescripteurs du « tout numérique », et les irréductibles…


                  • Dr. Stan's post caused me to remember that when scheduling, or re-scheduling appointments with Doctor's offices, I have been known to remark to the poor scheduling girl, "Patients are such an inconvenience to Doctors, aren't they." I'm getting older and less patient, too.
                    Weston Bye - Author, The Mechatronist column, Digital Machinist magazine
                    ~Practitioner of the Electromechanical Arts~


                    • For those who haven't heard,

                      Washington State just passed two new laws - gay marriage and legalised

                      The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day
                      makes perfect biblical sense because

                      Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

                      We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.



                      • May be true or not but I heard of a man being denied for a loan & filling his safe deposit with raw fish.


                        • A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

                          During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.

                          They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

                          Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats?

                          Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

                          In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wore red coats is so that if they where wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they were leading would not panic.

                          And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wore brown trousers.



                          • What is the difference between Harleys and Hoovers?

                            The position of the dirtbag.


                            • Originally posted by Calimander View Post
                              What is the difference between Harleys and Hoovers?

                              The position of the dirtbag.
                              They both suck ?

                              Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.


                              • A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

                                The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

                                All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

                                The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

                                All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".