Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[flylo]

Obama was asleep in the White House and awoke to see Washington's ghost.
He asked, "George, how can I make this country better?"
Washington said, "Be honest with the people like I was."

Obama went back to sleep and awoke again this time to Thomas Jefferson and asked, "Tom, how can I make this country better?"
Jefferson said, "Love the constitution like I did."

Again Obama fell asleep and awoke this time to Lincoln and asked, "Abe, how can I make this country better?"
Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

[Dr Stan]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy had been looking out of the window. He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."

"Well", said the flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes, because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

[Dr Stan]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, “I am on the commode. Please advise."

[panchula]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Dr Stan]

Is Sex Work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work .

A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

[ptjw7uk]

Finally, the man has taken the time to write his side of the story.

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sport on the television. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work !
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1 . 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know how best to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[ironmonger]

Please note the following issues with your print..."

Someone on another mailing list recently dug out the PDF linked below--
It came from an unknown website years ago.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/37105624/RFQ_response.pdf

Had to link it... it's to long to insert...

paul

[boslab]

Someone on another mailing list recently dug out the PDF linked below--
It came from an unknown website years ago.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/37105624/RFQ_response.pdf

Had to link it... it's to long to insert...

paul

I thought that was as funny as hell, particularly as I trained in a drawing office, it took 25 years to undo the damage!
Mark

[Dr Stan]

Someone on another mailing list recently dug out the PDF linked below--
It came from an unknown website years ago.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/37105624/RFQ_response.pdf

Had to link it... it's to long to insert...

paul

that is a hoot!

[GEP]

A 1 armed Pollock is in a tree. How do you get him out ? Just wave at him

[jcon]

consciences of opinion

The general consciences of opinion is that Jamie Farr aka Klinger never picked his nose as a kid.
Because if he had a choice he would never picked the one he has.

[darryl]

A blonde and a brunette are climbing a mountain using a rope. The brunette is above the blonde, and she sees the rope beginning to fray above her. Knowing the rope will soon not be able to hold both of them, she calls down to the blonde ' hey can I borrow your hair brush?'

[Dr Stan]

He's just too romantic

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was
out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

[Thomas Staubo]

.
.

[Ian B]

I bought the wife a new bag and a belt for Valentine's day.

It's nice to have the vacuum cleaner working properly again.