Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Ian B]

A 90-year-old man was caught doing 8mph in his mobility scooter on the inside lane of the M1

His life was in serious danger - particularly on the three occasions he pulled into the middle lane to overtake women drivers.

[Ian B]

My mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine. But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee
Unfortunately Lorraine died.
At her funeral my mate stood up and sang. "I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"...

[Ian B]

Yesterday I bought a dog off a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

[Dr Stan]

Truths Too Funny





SIMPLE TRUTH #1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH # 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the jerk's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND FINALLY

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband

[flylo]

He probably wasn't texting or talking a cell phone either.LOL

A 90-year-old man was caught doing 8mph in his mobility scooter on the inside lane of the M1

His life was in serious danger - particularly on the three occasions he pulled into the middle lane to overtake women drivers.

[TGTool]

Very old joke.

Q: What has sixteen balls and sings?

A: A male quartet.

You might wonder how I do the math. Where do I get sixteen in a male quartet?

Well, obviously one of them is a tenor.

[bosox]

I am enjoying this thread. So fun reading reading all of them.

[Daveb]

A cornish sheep farmer visits a welsh sheep farmer. They are walking home from the pub when the cornishman sees some very attractive sheep in a field. There is no one about so he hops over the wall, grabs hold of a pretty young thing, sticks her (his?) back legs in his wellies and throws the front legs over his shoulder. The welshman says " Arrrrr, thats a funny way of doin it, we put the back legs in the wellies but stick the front legs over the wall" The cornishman said " Wot, no kissin?"

[flylo]

That's a baaaaaaaaad baaaaaaaaaad joke!

[boslab]

A cornish sheep farmer visits a welsh sheep farmer. They are walking home from the pub when the cornishman sees some very attractive sheep in a field. There is no one about so he hops over the wall, grabs hold of a pretty young thing, sticks her (his?) back legs in his wellies and throws the front legs over his shoulder. The welshman says " Arrrrr, thats a funny way of doin it, we put the back legs in the wellies but stick the front legs over the wall" The cornishman said " Wot, no kissin?"

Bein in Wales up a bloody mountain with wellies by the back door I can assure the reader there is only one way for adrenaline junkies to have their wicked way with a young ewe, all that is required is a cliff, the taller the better, sheep always back away from cliffs!
Funny
Mark

[Daveb]

Icelander on holiday in Wales, driving along when his car shudders to a stop in a cloud of smoke. He's stood there looking under the bonnet (hood) when a farmer comes along, takes one look and says "You've blown a seal"
"So what?" retorted the Icelander "I bet you've shagged a sheep"

[Daveb]

Young executive gets disillusioned with his career and decides on a lifestyle change. Three months later he's living on a small farm with his girlfriend and 10 ewes. He didn't have enough cash left to buy a ram so the fella decides to do the job himself. Every morning he would load the sheep into his Landrover and drive them down to the bottom field, every evening he would drive back, absolutely knackered. One morning, about two weeks later, he's so exhausted he can't get out of bed. After about five minutes his girlfriend shouts up "You've gotta deal with the sheep, they're all waiting in the Landrover and the one that's driving keeps honking the horn"

[Mad Scientist]

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy..

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church… Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[Dr Stan]

Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did our government pay for this research?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, yuk.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their arses.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)


Thank you for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be retired in Guam and will put up the following "shingle":

"Former sailor at your service miss"

[KJ1I]

You know you're old when --

You know where the expression "drop a dime" comes from.

You know what "more exciting than an E-ticket ride" means.