Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[TGTool]

The Great Dane with the Dodgy Gut

<found this story somewhere years ago>

Title says it all really.

When I was a little sproglet, we had a lovely lump of a Great Dane that was about twice my height. Beautiful, lovely, friendly, soft, gentle creature. Unfortunately he had an inherited stomach problem - basically it meant that things would fly through him, and he had an absolutely enormous appetite, which lead to a propensity to eat whatever he could find. To this day, I sleep in late - purely because as a child you never wanted to be the first one up because of the sheer mountains of dog dump that would confront you downstairs.

Memorable passages include:

1. The entire 4kg tub of margarine he snaffled. This greased him through, and for days was fixed in a squat, ejecting a never-ending stream of arsegravy.

2. When I couldn't find my favourite pair of yellow socks. My mum swore she'd washed them and they were in the clean laundry basket. Three days later I found them, still neatly folded - and in the middle of a gently steaming pile of dog's egg.

But, by far the most memorable:
3. When he managed to nick the remains of a sunday roast. Unfortunately, the bits of elasticated string from the roast were still on the plate. A day or so later, he was wandering around the house with about 6 inches of the elastic hanging out of his bumhole. My dad decides to help out, and grabs the end to tug it out. It's well wedged up the gut, so my dad pulls hard. The end of the greasy elastic slips out of his fingers, and the whole thing snaps back at the hound's ringpiece. I have never, ever, seen an animal move so fast or yelp so loud. He didn't come back for hours, and wouldn't go near my dad for weeks.

[achtanelion]

Whoo! I laughed at that great Dane story till my vision started to grey at the edges. kinda reminds me of this one:

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, which had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end, so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that Ilearned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance....That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving forward, so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would I have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the hound out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves, and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery did not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and
tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all. Besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it doesn't immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

[Dr Stan]

Can you rope a deer again, only this time have someone video the activity? Sure would be a great YouTube post.

[flylo]

True story, when I was a kid I worked at Deer Forest which was an animal/fun park. We we're moving deer into a new area & opened a pair of 20' gates. The deer jumped the opening just like the gates were still closed. I got too close & one put all 4 pointed hooves together & dropkicked me in the throat. It started to swell & for a while I thought it would close off my windpipe. These were small Sitka deer.

[achtanelion]

It's not my story, just posted on from elsewhere. I'd like to think that I'm smart enough to avoid that mistake, having heard about it.

I did have an interesting experience with a deer though. A buddy and I were fairly new hunters and we came across a nice meat buck that was facing away at about 150 yards. It had gone into freeze mode from the noise we made coming through the bush. He decided to take a headshot on the theory he'd get a clean hit or a clean miss. Bang goes the gun and the deer drops like a ton of bricks. We run up, and he straddles it to open the throat and bleed it. When he grabbed an ear to lift the head, we discovered that he'd bounced the bullet off the top of its head and just rung its bell pretty good. It went from dazed to wild eyed panic in a millisecond. It levitated straight up about 10 feet and without touching the ground headed away at about Mach 7. My buddy was thrown and the last I saw of the deer was its arse beginning to redshift as it gained forward velocity.

Moral of the story, siddown and have some patience. If the shot isn't there don't try and force it.

[flylo]

That's why anything I shoot I carefully touch its eye with the end of the barrel to verify it's dead.

[Weston Bye]

The Great Dane story reminded me of my own experience with the family German Shepard. I was 15 or so at the time and it was my turn to pick up and do the dishes after supper. The rest of the family had retired to the living room and was watching some comedy on the TV. The laughter drew me from the kitchen to catch bit of TV watching from the doorway.
While my back was turned, the dog snatched the leftover ham from the table and by the time I turned around he was gnawing the bone clean.

I caught hell.

The house had a walk-out basement, and my bedroom was at the opposite end of the house, and the dog was usually tied up for the night under a deck outside my bedroom window. About midnight the dog began wimpering - he was thirsty from eating all that salty ham. I opened the window and told him "you and I are going to suffer all night" and went back to bed and sort of slept through most of the wimpering.

In the morning, I let him in and let him off the chain and he bolted upstairs. I went upstairs after getting dressed and made my first stop at the bathroom - where I found the toilet bowl completely empty of water.

[Euph0ny]

That's why anything I shoot I carefully touch its eye with the end of the barrel to verify it's dead.

At least you bring a gun. This guy thought a bow would do:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khKrd1RNy2U

I had to learn the "bring the gun" lesson. I was stalking red deer (US "Elk") in Scotland. My minder told me to take a headshot, and the deer flopped to the ground as expected. I went to gather it in, and discovered that the bullet had hit the skull, but somehow not the brain or spine, and the deer was still alive, though stunned. Since I hadn't carried my rifle, I had to deliver a "coup de grace" with my knife before the animal tried to get up. Now I carry my rifle to any downed animal, however long a walk that may be.

I was lucky. I know someone who lost two fingers to a "dead" wild boar.

[madwilliamflint]

I'm not sure this has come across this thread or not. But this is, to my estimation is the single funniest thing on the internet.

Dogs In Elk

Though

The Flying Mouse Affair is a genuine howl as well.

[achtanelion]

OK... dogs in elk is hilarious! I had a coworker come into my office to see if I was choking.

[ptjw7uk]

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handi cap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

[Dr Stan]

Even if you do not play golf, that's funny.

[bob_s]

So Tiger replies, "Okay, how about July 1, in Fairbanks Alaska!"

[flametamer]

So Tiger replies, "Okay, how about July 1, in Fairbanks Alaska!"

How about Florida?


Dt

[TriHonu]

Why I Can't Shop at Wal-Mart Anymore...

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Roscoe, our hunting dog, and was standing in line at Wal-Mart getting ready to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was “where’s your sign lady” but decided to go with it…SO…On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet again.

I said I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time. But that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is; you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.