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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Originally posted by flametamer View Post
    How about Florida?


    Dt
    No "midnight sun" in Florida.

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    • I was joking about Stevie Wonders self-imposed "boycot" on the state of Florida because of the whole Zimmerman/Martin mess.

      Dt

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      • Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes?
        A: No Idear

        Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
        A: Still no Idear

        Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or private parts?
        A: Still no F-ng Idear
        Last edited by KiddZimaHater; 08-02-2013, 06:17 PM.

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        • What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or private parts, FOOD, I love venison.

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          • A little boy went to the toilet and was gone for quite a while. His mom finally peeked in and saw him sitting on the pot reading a book. All looked normal until she saw him put the book down, grab the assist rail with one hand then repeatedly thump the top of his head with the other hand. He repeated this a couple of times so his mom asked, "Billy, is everything OK?" to which he nodded in the affirmative and kept reading his book. Mom then asked, "Why do you keep hitting yourself in the head?"

            He replied, "Works with ketchup..."

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            • What do you have when you have two lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?













              Not enough sand.

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              • Originally posted by Harvey Melvin Richards View Post
                What do you have when you have two lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

                Not enough sand.
                Or a good start
                Amount of experience is in direct proportion to the value of broken equipment.

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                • Originally posted by Jaakko Fagerlund View Post
                  Or a good start
                  Or not enough lawyers
                  Forty plus years and I still have ten toes, ten fingers and both eyes. I must be doing something right.

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                  • Denzel wanted to have sex with a girl at his work place,
                    But she belonged to someone else...

                    One day, Denzel got so frustrated that ee went up to
                    her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
                    have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

                    Denzel said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
                    the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
                    time you pick it up. "

                    She thought for a moment and said that she would have
                    to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
                    boyfriend and told him the story.

                    Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
                    money very fast, ee won't even be able to get his
                    Pants down."

                    So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
                    goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
                    girlfriend to call.

                    Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
                    asks what happened.

                    She responded, "The bleddy bastard used coins!"
                    I have tools I don't know how to use!!

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                    • America was not shut down properly.
                      Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)
                      My neighbours diary says I have boundary issues

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                      • A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,

                        “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

                        Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

                        “Sure, Why not?”

                        The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone , and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports to an image processing facility in Hamburg,Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer, turns to the cowboy and says

                        “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

                        “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man,

                        “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

                        The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

                        “Okay, why not?”

                        “You’re an aide in the Obama Administration”, says Bud.

                        “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

                        “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. … Now give me back my dog.”
                        My neighbours diary says I have boundary issues

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                        • A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a café discussing who had the superior culture.

                          Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and he arched his eyebrows.

                          The Scotsman replies, "Well.....it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

                          The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

                          The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

                          And so it went on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion........

                          With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

                          The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

                          Allan

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                          • OK, I know it's a day late...

                            A ghost walks into the bar.


                            For the boos.

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                            • (Politically flavored joke deleted by moderator.)

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                              • The Frank & Ernest comic strip had a good line yesterday.

                                Frank says that he's just seen the ghost of a prehistoric man. Ernest asks what the man was doing and Frank says, "Haunting and gathering."
                                .
                                "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

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