Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[mike4]

Old man walks into a pharmacy and pulls a whisky flask out of his back pocket and then proceeds to pour some into a teaspoon , then asked the chemist if they could taste it to see if it was sweet .
The chemist obliges and says its not sweet , the old guy then replies , thanks , the doc said that I had to get my urine tested for sugar.
Michael

[Errol Groff]

I'd just came out of the food shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said "I've not eaten for two days." "I told him, I wish I had your will power."

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said, "Sorry about the wait". I said, "Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually."

Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day would keep the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslin, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa.He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb a_ _.

Errol Groff

[DannyW]

Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"

[j.bain87]

Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement?

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighbourhood. It would have parking for two hundred cars and I was going to paint it snot green with a pink trim.

The City Council told me ; "Forget it ......... IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN!"

So, I sent in the application again, BUT, this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It's the government that scares the crap out of me.

[winchman]

A TV news reporter is interviewing an entomologist, "Will the recent cold snap reduce the number of pest insects next summer?"

Entomologist replies, "These insects have developed over eons, so they're not affected much by a cold snap like this."

Reporter then asks, "Where can our viewers buy these OverEons?

[EVguru]

Old man walks into a pharmacy and pulls a whisky flask out of his back pocket and then proceeds to pour some into a teaspoon , then asked the chemist if they could taste it to see if it was sweet .
The chemist obliges and says its not sweet , the old guy then replies , thanks , the doc said that I had to get my urine tested for sugar.
Michael

In all seriousness, that's how it was actually done by doctors many many years ago!

[EVguru]

Don't know if this has appeared here before...


Portland Oregon:

Dear Mrs. Woolf, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[sasquatch]

Lol,,,, Great stuff, thanks for the laughs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[KJ1I]

Oh great. You went and gave 'em ideas.

[alsinaj]

A CNN journalist heard about an elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, for a long, long time. So she decided to check it out. She went to the Western Wall, and there he was. She watched him pray, and when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"About 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for wars and hatred to stop. I pray for our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

[sasquatch]

Years ago a young guy who was newly married, went to work in the lumber camps for the whole winter.
When the day came to come out in spring and head home, he went to pick up his pay, and it was snowing heavily, and blowing a real blizzard.
The paymaster told him your'e nuts to go out in this, stay overnight till it ends.
No way the young guys shouts, i been away from my new bride too long!
So he borrows a pair of snowshoes from the paymaster and heads out into the storm.
The next morning two neighbours noticed that the guy had finally got home after being away all winter.
They went over to see him, and after saying hello, the neighbour asks, you been away all winter,, what was the first thing you did when you got home?
The logger says, geez guys , now that is pretty personal.
Ok, says the neighbour, what was the second thing you did then?

The logger blushed a bit and said,,, "I took off the snowshoes!"

[doctor demo]

Back on November 9th, a group of Oakland, CA Bikers were riding north on Hwy 101 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge , so they stopped.


George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the CHP officer who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"



While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that...and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.



After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the CHP officer, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."



It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[John Stevenson]

Cheers Steve,
best laugh this week.

[Pete49]

There was a bit of confusion at the IGA store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note that I complain to her boss and the IGA franchise people I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Pete

[lynnl]

A duck walks into a store and asks the manager, "Do you sell grapes in this store?" "No, we don't," says the manager. "OK, thanks," says the duck, as he turns to walk out.

Next day the duck comes back into the store and again asks the manager, "Do you sell grapes in here?" Again the manager tells him "No", and again the duck thanks him and walks out.

Day 3: The duck comes back in and asks the same question. The manager, peeved by this time, says "LOOK I'VE TOLD YOU TWICE ALREADY, WE DON'T SELL GRAPES! IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE AGAIN AND ASK IF WE SELL GRAPES, I WILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE FLOOR!"

Day 4: The duck comes waddling back in and, as the manager glares at him, asks "Do you sell nails in here?" "No," the manager answers, "we don't sell nails." "That's good," says the duck, "Do you sell grapes here?"