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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Crow Deaths

    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

    A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    The ornithological behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah," not a single one could shout "Truck."
    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


    • Silence In The Irish Court

      The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

      A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

      The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

      The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

      The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

      Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”


      • Guy comes home from work and finds his wife packing up her stuff. He asks what's going on and she replies: "I'm moving to Las Vegas and becoming a call girl. I saw on TV where Vegas call girls make $10,000 a night."
        He says: "You can't live in Vegas on 20 grand a year."


        • Took a short vacation to Arkansas, enlisted a guide to take us float fishing. While loading the boat, going fishing was mentioned. Guide says 'we ain't going fishing, we's going 'catching'.


          • A husband went to Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price ----- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

            Upstairs the wife ( being no dummy ) thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'

            She appears naked on the balcony and strikes her most seductive pose.

            The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'

            He never heard the shot.

            Funeral on Thursday at 1 p.m.


            • A group of guys on the golf course were discussing grand children. One of them, Louie, who had fathered six, each now with several little ones of their own, said he'd be having four of the little tykes spending the weekend with him and his wife.

              One of his buddies told him, "you'd better childproof the house."

              "Naw, that never works," said Louie, "we tried that lots of times with our kids, but they could always find a way to get back in."
              Lynn (Huntsville, AL)


              • Teenager phones his mom and says he has good news and bad news.

                The mom says "give me the good news first to take the edge off the bad news"

                The teenagers says "The air bags in our car work really well"


                • A Man City fan and a Liverpool fan go into a pastry shop.

                  The Man City fan whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

                  The Man City fan says to the Scouser, "You see how clever we are? You Scousers can never beat that!"

                  The Scouser says to the Man City fan, "Watch dis, any Scouser is smarter dan you, and I'll prove it to ya."

                  He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"

                  The baker gives him the cookie, which the Scouser promptly eats.

                  Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

                  Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. The Scouser eats this one too.

                  Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?"

                  The Scouser says.... "Now look in the Man City fan`s pocket!"
                  All of the gear, no idea...


                  • The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

                    The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

                    Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

                    They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

                    They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

                    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

                    The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

                    Now, There was no way Henry Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

                    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

                    And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
                    Last edited by TGTool; 08-05-2014, 11:35 AM. Reason: Suggestion taken
                    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                    • The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
                      Sorry, guessed the punch line after the first sentence - but the story maintained my curiousity as to how it got to the punch line. Good job.

                      p.s. Rename Max to Maxwell for consistency and obfuscation.
                      Weston Bye - Author, The Mechatronist column, Digital Machinist magazine
                      ~Practitioner of the Electromechanical Arts~


                      • Originally posted by Weston Bye View Post
                        p.s. Rename Max to Maxwell for consistency and obfuscation.
                        Actually, his name was Maxim.

                        More tools than sense.


                        • A man arrives at Tel Aviv airport with 2 large bags. The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full of money in different currencies. The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money.?"
                          "You will not believe it" the man says "but I traveled all over Europe, I went into public restrooms and each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his penis and said 'donate money to Israel or I will cut it off"............
                          The customs agent said, "'s a very interesting story. ....but what do you have in the other bag? "...........
                          "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel "..............


                          • There once was a machinist called Hall
                            who had a hexahedronical ball.

                            The sum of it's weight
                            times his pecker plus eight
                            was four-fifths of five-eighths of ****-all.



                            • Shop math- The angle of the dangle is = to the heat of the meat X the mass of the ass.
                              Kansas City area


                              • Does Oregon's Exploding Whale count?