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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • I read that the price of lamb has increased again Wales. It's now 4.95 per hour.
    All of the gear, no idea...


    • Two parrots sitting side by side on a perch. One said to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'


      • Originally posted by Daveb View Post
        Two parrots sitting side by side on a perch. One said to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'
        that's just terrible Dave!


        • A skeleton walks into a bar, and says to the bartender:

          I'll have a beer

          And a mop.


          • 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

            2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

            3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

            4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

            5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

            6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

            7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

            8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival forist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

            9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

            10. And finally, there was this guy, DATo, who posted ten different puns on The Home Shop Machinist website, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make people laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


            • One of my favorites for the witty wise crack is Dorothy Parker (1893 -1967)

              Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

              If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

              This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

              Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

              I like to have a martini,
              Two at the very most.
              After three I'm under the table,
              after four I'm under my host.

              Tell him I was too f**king busy - or vice versa.

              This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

              That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

              I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

              I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

              It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

              If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.

              A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

              I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.

              Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

              If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

              She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw — I don't say she will, but she can.

              Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.


              • My favourite (true) put-down is the response of the German composer Max Reger to a hostile music critic.
                "Sir'" he wrote, "I am sitting in the smallest room in my house with your review before me. Shortly, it will be behind me."


                • You just can't explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because they take everything literally.
                  "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                  • Small guy walks into pub, gets halfway to the bar and puts his foot into a large pile of manure. He carries on to the bar, buys a drink and sits on a stool. A few minutes later, a giant of a man enters the bar and puts his foot in the pile of manure. The little guy, making conversation said, 'I did that'


                    • ALERTS TO THREATS
                      IN 2014 EUROPE
                      From JOHN CLEESE

                      The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

                      The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

                      The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

                      Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

                      The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

                      Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

                      The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

                      Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

                      John Cleese ,
                      British writer, actor and tall person

                      And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
                      "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                      • Originally posted by TGTool View Post
                        ALERTS TO THREATS
                        IN 2014 EUROPE
                        From JOHN CLEESE


                        • Deja vu, all over again.


                          More tools than sense.


                          • Snopes itself could be seen as the ultimate "put down".


                            • John had been shipwrecked on a small atoll in the Pacific three years earlier. One day (like every other day) he stood looking out to the ocean.

                              After awhile he spotted something black bobbing up an down in the water. As he watched it got closer and closer. Eventually, a woman in a wetsuit came wading ashore. She looked at him and said:

                              "It looks like you've been here quite awhile."

                              Speechless, John could only nod.

                              "I'll bet you could use a smoke." Zzzip as she unzipped a pocket and pulled out a cigarette and lit it and handed it to John.

                              Speechless, John could only take a drag on the cigarette.

                              "And, I'll bet you could use a beer." Zzzip as she opened another pocket pulled out a can of beer, popped the top and gave it to John.

                              Eyes wide open in astonishment, John took a big swig of the beer.

                              "Oh, and I'll bet is has been a long time since you played around." As she unzipped the wetsuit.

                              "YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THERE TOO?" Asked John.



                              • IDIOT SIGHTING #1
                                I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
                                I said "May I have large bills, please"
                                She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
                                When I got up off the floor I explained it to her...

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #2
                                When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
                                As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

                                His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

                                This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #3
                                We had to have the garage door repaired.* The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

                                I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

                                He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

                                He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

                                We haven't used Sears repair since.

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #4
                                My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
                                Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

                                She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

                                I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

                                She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

                                I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

                                The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

                                Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #5 (IN FOOD SERVICE)
                                My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

                                She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

                                He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

                                -- From Kansas City

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #6
                                I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

                                To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

                                He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

                                Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #7
                                The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.* I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

                                I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

                                Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

                                She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #8
                                At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

                                Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

                                This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #9
                                I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself.
                                For the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

                                A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

                                IDIOT SIGHTING #10
                                How would you pronounce this child's name?
                                Leah?? NO
                                Lee - A?? NOPE
                                Lay - a?? NO
                                Lei?? Guess Again.
                                This child attends a school in*Kansas City, Mo.
                                Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
                                It's pronounced "Ledasha".
                                When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

                                SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
                                If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

                                STAY ALERT!

                                They walk among us......and they VOTE and have babies.

                                For all of us who are seniors...
                                The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies,
                                while undergarments for old people are called Depends:

                                When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
                                When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!
                                Last edited by DATo; 11-27-2014, 11:46 AM.