Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[sasquatch]

Thanks for the good chuckles Dato!!

[bob_s]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when
He noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the
Nearby cemetery.
1. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.
2. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on
a leash.
3. Behind him, a short distance back, we're about 200 men walking in
single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached
The Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am sorry for your loss, and
this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"

The Italian replied: "My wife's"

The Jewish man then inquired: "What happened to her?"

The Italian answered: "She yelled at me, and my dog attacked and killed her."

The Jew then queried: "What's the reason for the second hearse?"

The Italian replied: "When my mother-in-law tried to help my wife, the dog turned on her and killed her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood
and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked: "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian answered: "Get in line."

[Weston Bye]

Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. about twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

[Black Forest]

Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. about twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

My a$$ hurts after reading that one!

[TGTool]

Just in time for Christmas

It was a few days before Christmas and the postman was surprised one morning on his rounds when the lady of the house invited him in. She served him a delicious breakfast, and then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled, but went along out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, and so he did that too.

But when he realized it was time to finish his rounds, he had to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go.

This was too much for the poor man, and he asked her: "Lady, what is going on? First you feed me a delicious breakfast, and as if that isn't enough, you invite me to make love to you and we have a terrific time together. And now you want to
pay me?! What IS this, anyway?"

So she explained proudly: "Well, you know Christmas is coming, and I told my husband I wanted to do something
nice for the postman, who is so faithful about delivering our mail all year. My husband said, '[email protected]@k the postman! Give him a dollar!'...But the breakfast was my idea!"

[danlb]

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," his wife said, "and he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
His wife replied, "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[flylo]

Missing Wife!

A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?

Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant : Build?

Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Color of eyes?

Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Color of hair?

Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing?

Husband : Ah, ah, blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car .

[flylo]

Toothbrush Salesman!

A company selling toothbrushes posted a help wanted ad in the newspaper, a small poorly dressed guy with a speech impediment applied for the job..

Somehow I don't think you're the one for the job says the manager.

"Ah, please give me a chance, I need a job"

OK, I give you a chance. Set a stand up in the mall and I'll see what you can do.

A day later the fellow returns "I sold 350 toothbrushes".

Wow, that's a record. None of our salesmen ever sold that many in month, how did you manage to sell 350?

" It was easy. I went to Dad's farm, filled a bowel with cow poop then put in on the table with a sign Free Chip Dip. "When the people tried it they said that dip tastes like poop"

"I said it is poop....wanna buy a tooth brush?"

[flylo]

The Boss can be wtong!

A young man from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The manager replies, "Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his manager and says "$121,237.65".
The manager, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"


The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Center Console. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The manager said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[TGTool]

The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve time travelers here!"
.
.
.
.
.
. A time traveler walks into a bar.

[DATo]

Women like quiet men because they think they are listening.

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.

There are easier things in life than finding a compatible woman. Nailing Jell-o to a tree for instance.

-e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm."

Did you ever stop to consider ... George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

Men know that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she would probably save the infant's life, without even considering whether there were men on base.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

It's true that married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

There's a very fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

"Jesus Saves!" ... Then passes to Moses ... Then to Abraham, now back to Moses, then to Isaac ... He SHOOTS ... {{{{{HE SCORES}}}}} !!!!

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. In fact, why don't you just get the hell away from me.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

*****************
The following examples may help to clarify the difference between the new and old math.

1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his
profit?

1970 (Traditional math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. What is his
profit?

1985 (New Math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100 and
each element is worth $1.

(a) make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M
(b) The set C representing costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a
subset of the set M.
(c) What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

1990 (Dumbed-down math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his
profit is $20. Underline the number 20.

2015 (Whole Math): By cutting down a forest full of beautiful trees, a logger makes $20.

(a) What do you think of this way of making money?
(b) How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?
(c) Draw a picture of the forest as you'd like it to look.
*****************

[Normanv]

As an ex teacher I have to admit that when you have run out of ideas you get them to draw a poster.

[Toolguy]

If at first you don't succeed, maybe skydiving wasn't for you.

Men are like dogs, women are like cats. Dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Married men don't live longer than single men, it just seems a lot longer.

[flylo]

Vasectomy


After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"
(you'll love this…)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

[garyhlucas]

If your chute doesn't open but you survive, go back up. It wasn't your turn.