Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[PStechPaul]

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-Jokes/2947708

A rich man once parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GTin at the front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along too close to the kerb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the man finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the man.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the man.
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"MY ROLEX!"

[callumlucas]

Melbourne Zoo

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female
of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very
cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the
species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed
Colin, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the
Zoo's machinery.

Colin, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo
administrators thought they might have a solution.

Colin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing
to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Colin showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully.

The following day, Colin announced that he
would accept their offer, but only under three
conditions:

"Fust," he
said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver
niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed
to these conditions, so they asked what his third
condition was.

"Wull," said Colin, "You gotta give me
another week to come up with the
$500.

[flylo]

HILLBILLY PARAMEDIC

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.


As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[loose nut]

Melbourne Zoo

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female
of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very
cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the
species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed
Colin, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the
Zoo's machinery.

Colin, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo
administrators thought they might have a solution.

Colin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing
to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Colin showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully.

The following day, Colin announced that he
would accept their offer, but only under three
conditions:

"Fust," he
said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver
niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed
to these conditions, so they asked what his third
condition was.

"Wull," said Colin, "You gotta give me
another week to come up with the
$500.

I'm guessing that Callumlucas is from NZ.

[Black Forest]

A man is in the drugstore and asks the lady for some deodorant. She asks him if he wants the ball kind. He says no, for underarms!

[TGTool]

A woman begins to notice that her pet Schnauzer has become quite hard of hearing so a trip to the vet is in order. The vet examines the dog, does a few checks and explains that the poor thing's hearing is probably just fine but that the curled and matted hair has just become a problem in the ears. It's not difficult to correct so he gives her a prescription for a depilitory that she can get from her pharmacist.

At the pharmacist she presents her prescription and the old gentleman gets it from his stock but pauses before ringing it up. "Have you used this before?" he asks.

"No," she says, "I never have."

"Alright, if you're using on your legs mix it half and half with cold cream before putting it on. If using for underarms mix it just one quarter."

"Oh, no," she laughs, "you don't understand. This is for my Schnauzer."

"Oooh," he says looking very serious. "In that case just use the tiniest little bit and I wouldn't try to ride a bicycle for a week."

[mattthemuppet]

I'm guessing that Callumlucas is from NZ.

Going by the excellent parodying of the kiwi accent and the fact that it's the kiwi who wants to shag the gorrilla, if guess he's an Aussie

[Glug]

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

[flylo]

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...



Don't mess with the old dogs . Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

[flylo]

Engineer vs Doctor

An Engineer could not find a job, so he opens a clinic, and puts a sign outside that says get treatment for $50, if not cured get back $100.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the engineer and earn a quick $100. And so he visits the clinic.

Doctor: I have lost my sense of taste.

Engineer: Nurse , bring the medicine from box no 22 and place 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Patient (Doctor): Spits out the medicine and says "This is not medicine, it's Gasoline".

Engineer: Congrats.. you have your taste back ..that will be $50

Doctor gets annoyed, and returns after several days to recover his money.

Doctor : I have lost my memory and can't remember a thing.

Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from box no 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.

Doctor: "This medicine is for the sense of taste" protests the Doctor.

Engineer : congrats. your memory is back.. ..that will be $50

Doctor leaves, but after several days angrily returns for one last try.

Doctor : My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer : Well I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $100

Doctor : But this is $50 Note

Engineer : Congratulations, your eyesight has gotten better. ..that will be $50

[DATo]

Former President Clinton was walking along with a beautiful dog. A gentleman came up to the President and said, "What a lovely dog!"

The President responded, "Thank you very much. I got it for Hilary."

To which the gentleman said, "Nice trade."

[flylo]

A magician works a ballroom on a cruise ship. He does mostly sleight of hand, card tricks, low-level stuff since he never gets the same audience twice. A parrot lives in this ballroom and is the magician's nemesis. The parrot gives away the magician's tricks at the most inopportune times; saying things like, "they're all aces of spades!" or, "it's in his left pocket!"

They hate each other like poison.

One evening the cruise ship hits an iceberg and sinks. Everyone dies, except for the parrot and the magician. They're clinging to a piece of debris in the icy water, waiting for death. They stare each other down. The hatred is palatable. A minute goes by and the parrot finally says, "OK I give up, what'd ya do with the ship?"

[dewat]

What's gray and can't fly? A parking lot

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed
very important to him that I have it.

Hey, you know how geese migrate in a V shape? Sometimes one side of the
V is longer than the other - do you know why?

... More geese.

A computer scientist's wife asks him, "would you pick up a loaf of bread
at the store, and if they have eggs get a dozen?"
He gets home, throws 12 loaves of bread on the counter, and says "they
had eggs".

What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

How does Hitler tie his shoezies?
In little knotsies

Hitler is on his vacation to Switzerland. The border patrolman asks him
a series of questions.
"Name?" "Adolf" "Nationality?" "German/Austrian" "Occupation?" "No I'm
just here on holidays"

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
It was pretty bad at first, but, by the end, I liked it.

"Ive taken up speed reading. I can read "War and Peace" in twenty
seconds. It's only three words but it's a start."

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here."
Tachyon walks into a bar.

A man is at the doctor's office. He shows the doctor:
When i press on my knee, it hurts. When i press on my arm, it hurts.
When i press on my belly, it hurts.
Doc, what's wrong with me?
...you have a broken finger

[DATo]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

**************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Michael O'Connor and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little O'Connor?" says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did,' said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

**************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course". slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it look like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right." the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf".

*************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away las night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun...."

*************

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

.

[wierdscience]

Heisenberg's expanded uncertainty principle states that-The very act of thinking you know what a woman wants causes her to change her mind.