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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that saidBig Grinr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

    So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    This is what transpired.

    Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
    Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

    Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

    Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

    Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!


    • Pickle Slicer

      Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
      After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
      The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
      Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
      Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."


      • A few science and engineering jokes a friend gave me. I'll admit some took me a few minutes to figure out.

        Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to
        count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the
        ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes,
        and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!" Newton replies "You didn't find me. You found a
        Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

        A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment. They were both put
        in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every
        30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The
        mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said
        "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her." The engineer replied, "So? I'll
        be close enough for all practical purposes."

        A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" asks the bartender. The
        Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."

        Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers please!"

        Boy I tell ya, entropy ain't what it used to be.

        Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

        Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases
        here." Helium doesn't react.

        A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The
        Higgs Boson replied, "Well, without me, you can't have mass."

        There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet though.

        A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it's a boy
        or girl. The logician replies "Yes."
        "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


        • Originally posted by TGTool View Post
          A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it's a boy
          or girl. The logician replies "Yes."
          In our house we describe that as a binary reply to a multiple choice question.

          At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

          Location: SF East Bay.


          • The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?"

            "A horsy." one child answered.

            "And this ?" the teacher asked the class.

            "A piggy." replied another youngster.

            "And now this one ?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was complete and total silence.

            "Come on now children." she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommie call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

            "I know ! I know !!!" said one little girl.

            "A horny bastard."


            • A man goes to a Fortune Teller to have a curse lifted.

              Man: I've been living under s curse for 40 years and I need to get it lifted.

              Fortune Teller: Sure. But I must know the exact words of the curse in order to get rid of it.

              Man: The words are: "I now pronounce you man and wife".


              • (Alternate regional punch line)

                The little girl looks wide eyed and says, "That's a schmuck?"
                "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                • Boy, this was so touching....

                  After being married for 51 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

                  He looked at her for a while, then said, "you're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

                  She asks, "what the hell does that mean?"

                  He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

                  She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

                  He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

                  The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.


                  • NASA presented a report to the White House recently outlining their plans to send a man to Mars.

                    President Obama asked, "Could we send John Boehner?"
                    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                    • A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

                      A GENEROUS HUSBAND

                      "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"

                      Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought,
                      "What the heck..., I'll give her a treat!"

                      So, they walked past it again...


                      • Urinals Too High

                        A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, Churchill Downs, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

                        When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

                        The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

                        Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

                        As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

                        Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

                        "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."


                        • A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

                          While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

                          He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

                          He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

                          A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

                          A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

                          A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

                          There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

                          Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

                          The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

                          "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

                          The room fell silent



                            This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies from a well known educational institution and represent a cross section of test data correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations as well as the soundness of each decision selected.

                            There are 8 multiple choice questions. Read each question thoroughly. Place an "X" by the answer you feel is most correctly justified by the circumstances given. Be prepared to justify your decision.

                            You are allowed 4 minutes to complete the test. The person administering the test is not allowed to assist you in any way.

                            DO NOT TURN THIS PAGE UNTIL YOU ARE TOLD TO DO SO.

                            Copyright 1978—Management Evaluators Inc.—All Rights Reserved Unauthorized duplication or transmission of this document is forbidden. Violators will be subject to prosecution under all applicable laws, both state and federal.

                            1. You have prepared a proposal for the regional purchasing director of your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company by 100%. In the middle of your proposal the customer leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You:

                            a) tell him you prefer your coffee black

                            b) ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases

                            c) take a "leak" in his ash try

                            2. You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about what could
                            be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks
                            by and she is so stunning you draw your customer's attention to her and
                            give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your
                            motel room. She walks back to the table and introduces herself as your
                            customer's daughter. Your next move is to:

                            a) ask for her hand in marriage

                            b) repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for
                            the best

                            c) pretend you've forgotten how to speak English

                            3. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in
                            the plushest office you've ever seen. The taco and the egg salad sandwich
                            you had for lunch react, creating a severe pressure. The pressure is too
                            great and you break wind in a most noticeable manner causing 3 water tumblers
                            to shatter and a secretary to pass out. What you should do next is:

                            a) offer to come back next week when the smell has cleared

                            b) point to the chief executive officer and accuse him of the offense

                            c) challenge anyone in the room to do better

                            4. You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
                            uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is a definite
                            no-no, you:

                            a) pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
                            motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th

                            b) get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
                            prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.

                            c) drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick
                            it up, blow your nose on your sock

                            5. You've just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to an all night boiler-maker drinking party. You get home just in time to go to work. You stagger to the men's room and spend the next half-hour vomiting. As you're washing up at the sink, the national sales director walks up, blows his cigar in your face, and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:

                            a) look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent
                            at the front of his Hart Schaffner & Marx suit

                            b) nail him right in his crotch, hoping that he'll never recognize
                            your green face

                            c) grasp his hand and pump it till he pees in his pants

                            6. You are at dinner with a customer and his attractive wife. Halfway through
                            dinner you feel a hand in your lap. If you are smart you will:

                            a) accidentally spill hot coffee in your lap

                            b) slip a note to the waiter to have your customer paged and see
                            if the hand goes away when he does

                            c) fondle it and hope for the best

                            7. You're on your way to call on your best account when your zipper breaks
                            and you discover that you forgot to put on your underpants that morning.
                            You decide to:

                            a) call on the customer's secretary instead

                            b) explain that you were just trolling for queers

                            c) buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school playground

                            8. You've just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin and you tell your
                            boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He points out
                            that his wife is from Green Bay. You:

                            a) ask what position she played

                            b) ask if she's still working the streets

                            c) point out to him that both whores and football players make good
                            money so there's no reason for him to take offense at your remark.

                            END OF TEST—The person who administered the test will now score your responses
                            and give you a written critique of your management skill. Good luck.
                            "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                            • Jokes My Pastor Told Me

                              An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

                              What majestic trees!

                              What powerful rivers!

                              "What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

                              As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

                              He ran as fast as he could up the path.

                              He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

                              He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.

                              He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

                              At that instant the Atheist cried out:

                              "Oh my God!..."

                              Time stopped.

                              The bear froze.

                              The forest was silent.

                              As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

                              "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

                              The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

                              "Very well," said the voice.

                              The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

                              Lord, bless this food,
                              which I am about to receive
                              from thy bounty
                              through Christ our Lord,


                              Baptizing a drunk

                              A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

                              He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

                              The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

                              He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

                              The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

                              The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him
                              into the water again for a little longer.

                              He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
                              "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

                              The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

                              By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

                              The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

                              The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

                              "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


                              On a dark rainy night a priest and a rabbi are involved in a terrific accident when their vehicles collide.

                              The rabbi rushed over to the priest's vehicle and pulls the unconscious priest from his car and drags him to the curb.

                              The rabbi pats the priests cheek till he revives and says, "Are you alright?"

                              To which the priest replies, "Yes, I think so. I'm just a bit groggy."

                              The rabbi rushes to the priest's vehicle and finds the holy wine and rushes back to the priest. "Here," says the rabbi, "I don't think that the lord would mind under these circumstances if you had a drink or two."

                              The priest gratefully takes a deep draft of the wine while holding on to the rabbi's arm with both hands.

                              "Now how do you feel?" asks the rabbi.

                              "I feel quite a bit better, thank you."

                              "Have another swallow of this wine." says the rabbi.

                              "Thank you, I think I will." says the priest as the rabbi tips his head back and puts the bottle to the priest's lips with about as much wine splashing on the priest's tunic as goes into his mouth.

                              "Now how do you feel?" asks the rabbi once again.

                              "Why, I feel wonderful." says the priest as he rubs the knot beginning to form on his forehead.

                              "Why don't you have a drink too?" suggests the priest.

                              To which the rabbi replies, "Oh, I will ... I will ... right after the police report."


                              I got kicked out of Barnes & Noble for moving all the bibles to the fiction section.


                              Maybe my favorite joke. From Zero Mostel:

                              Rabbi: Zero, you are going to have to stop masturbating.

                              Zero: But why, Rabbi, why?

                              Rabbi: So I can circumcise you.

                              Last edited by DATo; 05-18-2015, 06:16 PM.


                              • The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."

                                "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"

                                "Oh I can't say."

                                "Was it Mary Jane?"

                                "No Father."

                                "Adalina Mozarelli?"

                                "My lips are sealed."

                                "How about Cindy King"

                                "I can never say."

                                "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"


                                "It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"

                                "Father I will never tell you."

                                "Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."

                                "Ok, Father"

                                The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"

                                The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"