Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Ian B]

I read recently that 25% of all women are on medication for psychiatric problems. This is truly scary - it means the other 75% are walking around, entirely unmedicated!

[flylo]

The Pillsbury Doughboy died of a yeast infection.

Doughboy was Born bread and buttered in Minnesota.

His life was filled with turnovers as he wasted a lot of dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being flaky he was a positive roll model.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, 2 kids John Dough and Dosey Dough and they had one in the oven.

The funeral will be held tomorrow at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[flylo]

Shopping at Cabelas!

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

[flylo]

Beer Nuts vs Deer Nuts
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?


Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

[flylo]

For my friends in the UK!

STORE WINDOW IN SCOTLAND



'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH
ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER.'



This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELL TOWN, SCOTLAND.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.



You may say, 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?

Answer:


A FUNERAL PARLOUR!

(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT.
God Bless Scotland

[flylo]

Who is Jack Schitt?

Many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt??'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.


Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.


The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

REMEMBER: IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO FULLA SCHITT!!

[flylo]

IQ Test

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should
spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...













He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses". If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer
and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer)

[flylo]

Zen Teachings



1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air, it's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[dewat]

With O.J. back in the news, for those who haven't heard this,

What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Pee Wee Herman ?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

[danlb]

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

[danlb]

MERGER TIPS FOR 2016

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2016:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

...and finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

[DATo]

New pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

[GEP]

A good friend called me and asked if i knew of a good dentist. I said why don't you go to mine he agreed and made a appointment. I did not tell him my dentist is a woman and not bad looking. He goes for a exam and was told that 1 tooth has to be pulled so he asked if she had time to do it she replied yes and prepared for the procedure. She asked him to prepair for this shot to bum his jaw he said oh no i cant handle a shot so she asked how bout gas he said no no cant do that either i go crazy when i come to. So the dentist asked how bout pills my friend replied oh yea no problem i can handle pills, she goes to a cabinet and gets 2 pills and hands them to him my friend looks he has 2 blue pills in his hand and reply's to the dentist, they look like Viagra she said they are, he says i did not know Viagra are pain killers, she reply's they are not but you will have something to hold on to.

[flylo]

ATMs
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'



*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[flylo]

The Scotsman and the Canadian

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada; both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer when all of a sudden a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire.

The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"

"That was a moose," the Canadian replied.

"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see yer rats!"