Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Daveb]

An elderly gent in our village used to make love to his wife every time he heard the church bells.
He would still be with us today if the fire alarm hadn't gone off.

[Arcane]

Here's a video that should make you laugh (even if you saw it before).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

[Black_Moons]

...
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Reminds me of my first time driving a standard transmission

At busy intersection.. I start smelling that horrible burning smell. Yaknow the 'car on fire' smell.

Look to my right and... SUV with glowing red hot rear brakes.

Thankfully, someone else noticed it just as I did and got outta their car to bang on the womens window and tell them their car was on fire. So I just proceeded to go at the green light since I didn't think anyone needed a noob driver trying tp park a manual transmission car in the middle of the intersection.

[PStechPaul]

My mother said that when she was first learning to drive a car, or perhaps when she was taking her driving test, she had to stand on the brake to keep the car at a reasonable speed. It had a manual choke attached to the accelerator and she had neglected to disengage it!

[Oldbrock]

Kim Pikabu was a nurse in the intensive care ward and was banned from answering the phone because it queered people out She would pick up the phone to answer it and say "Pikabu, ICU"

[boslab]

When I was working on the steel lab, analysing steel from the plant the guy training me always answered the phone "lab here", but said it as one word, "labia", is was it sounded like, a lady from the general office complained she didn't like being called a labia, vagania, or any other lady part
Mark

[TGTool]

Dunno if this quite qualifies as a joke, but I was behind a car at the light this evening. Back of the car was plastered with stickers but one had a photo of Trump and the text, "Does this ASS make my car look fat?" I want to know where to get one.

[dave_r]

My brother was driving my dad's truck, had to change a tire, forgot to pull the flat up into the spare tire location [Ford truck, spare tire held up under the rear of the truck with a small winch], drives home with it dragging on the ground. Wore the sidewall of the tire and about 1/3 of 1 side of the rim.

[winchman]

What was the Adventure Hornblower doing when it rammed into the seawall?

[winchman]

Blowing its horn, of course.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrrDLdeL2HQ&feature=youtu.be

[Mike Burch]

The joke about the dentist and the Viagra reminds me of a true story told me by a hairdresser friend.
She was cutting a guy's hair when she noticed that the smock she'd placed over him was rising and falling rythmically. She figured he was masturbating, so she whacked him over the head with a hair-drier.
Turned out he was polishing his specatacles...

[PStechPaul]

That reminds me....

A priest & a rabbi are seated next to each other on a plane. An hour in to the flight, the captain comes on the speaker & says, "Ladies & gentlemen, we have an emergency & have to land immediately. This could be rough." As they are landing, the turbulence is unbelievable, and the priest happens to notice the rabbit making the sign of the cross.

The plane lands safely & as they are getting off, the priest says to the rabbi, "so, when the chips are down, you acknowledge Jesus?". The rabbi says he doesn't understand & the priest tells him he saw him make the sign of the cross. And the rabbi says, "oh that. That's just the standard inventory, spectacles, testicles, money, watch."

Found this version here: http://forums.menshealth.com/topic/63643898169515243

[flylo]

20 year anniversary

The wife awakes to find her husband is not in the bed. She finds him at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee, tears running down his face.

Whats wrong, She asks? I was just remembering when your dad caught us in the back seat of the car. He said I'll see you marry my daughter or I'll see you locked up for twenty years.

She laughs and says yes, I remember that.

He starts crying harder and says, I would be getting out today!

[Black Forest]

20 year anniversary

The wife awakes to find her husband is not in the bed. She finds him at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee, tears running down his face.

Whats wrong, She asks? I was just remembering when your dad caught us in the back seat of the car. He said I'll see you marry my daughter or I'll see you locked up for twenty years.

She laughs and says yes, I remember that.

He starts crying harder and says, I would be getting out today!

I have read that one before but the punch line went, "He starts crying and says, I would be a free man today!"

[flylo]

This reminds me of Archie & Edith Bunker
Honest to a fault.
Or maybe paybacks.

A man and his wife were driving home after a party when they were pulled over by a highway patrolman. The patrolman asks, "sir, do you know you have a tail light out?" to which the man said, "why no officer, I didn't." The man's wife piped up saying, "but dear, I told you that tail light was out a month ago and ask you to fix it."

The man turns to his wife and says, "shut up, woman."

The patrolman asks to see the man's drivers license and asks the man if he knew it had expired. "I didn't know that" said the man. His wife says, "but dear, I told you three months ago your drivers license had expired and that you needed to get a new one."

The man slams his fist on the steering wheel, turns to his wife and yells, "For the love of God woman, shut your #*&^$%& mouth".

The patrolman writes the man two tickets and says, "Ma'am, it's none of my business, but is your husband always this abusive?" to which the woman replied, "oh no, officer, he's usually the calmest, quietest man you'll ever meet. He only gets like this when he's really drunk".