Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[PStechPaul]

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

http://www.ahajokes.com/mar027.html

[TGTool]

A couple items from the news.

A man's wife assaulted him by throwing a bottle of Omega-3 tablets and striking him in the head.
He's hospitalized now with super fish oil injuries.

A fire was reported this morning at IRS headquarters. The fire department arrived quickly and put out the flames before any good could be done.

[Tony]

If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear him -- is he still wrong?

[Toolguy]

Yes - several women have confirmed this.

[John Stevenson]

Guy stood on a corner at the edge of the pavement, waiting to cross the road.
Large transit type panel van comes barrelling round the corner going far too fast and the long flexible CB aerial whips over and catches the man across the neck and leaves a nasty gash.

Guy goes home, cleans it up and dresses it but a few days later it's clearly infected so he goes to the doctor with it.
Doctor examines him and asks how the wound came about. Guy explains about the van and asks if it's serious.

Doctor states that it's the worst case of Van Aerial Disease that he's even seen...............................

[camperkn]

Greetings from our Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years...to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[boslab]

I think I just figured out why I prefer America to Britain, can't be that bad there, everyone with money ends up living there.( ex prime ministers, actors, scientists, engineers, doctors, etc)
My patriotic gland is three sizes too small
Mark
They gave us crap and now they want to take the crap away too (Goddard bolt, life stinks)

[flylo]

From what I hear all the money ends up in Ireland & that's no joke.

[malbenbut]

Maybe you should have the Queen as the head of the USA to have someone to look up to as you seem to have had a hard time doing so with your presidents.
TIC

MBB

[Black Forest]

Maybe you should have the Queen as the head of the USA to have someone to look up to as you seem to have had a hard time doing so with your presidents.
TIC

MBB

Look up to....now that is a joke.........she is only five feet tall I think!

[malbenbut]

(quote -Look up to....now that is a joke.........she is only five feet tall I think!

You will still be looking up to her from the hole you've seem to be digging your selves into

TRUMP? that

Still TIC

MBB

[PStechPaul]

Thou shalt kneel when thou greetest thine queen, so thou mayest look up to her!

[wierdscience]

(quote -Look up to....now that is a joke.........she is only five feet tall I think!

You will still be looking up to her from the hole you've seem to be digging your selves into

TRUMP? that

Still TIC

MBB

Blair?Cameron? Ahem,seems the village idiot gene spans the Atlantic

[Georgineer]

Thou shalt kneel when thou greetest thine queen, so thou mayest look up to her!

Paul, that should be 'greetest thy queen'. Thine = yours; Thy = your (except before a vowel sound when thine is used).

George

[malbenbut]

Paul, that should be 'greetest thy queen'. Thine = yours; Thy = your (except before a vowel sound when thine is used).

George

I didn't know that but my ignorance is astounding even amongst the ignorant.

MBB