Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[lynnl]

In addition to those 15 rules, listed above, to be imposed by the British Crown, I hope use of the word "awesome" will be banned. ...even under penalty of death!

In fact I suspect that's what did in Anne Boleyn, Old Henry got fed up with hearing the word "Awesome" in every utterance.

[flylo]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[flylo]

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our own money.

[flylo]

Q: What’s the difference between a magician and a politician?
A: The magician returns your watch at the end of the performance.

[callumlucas]

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ...
But all men ... Are men!

[callumlucas]

Global Facts About Sex

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine

[Yondering]

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?





It got stuck in a crack.

[flylo]

Success is a 2 Edged sword

After being married for close to 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10—inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 20—year—old girl every night.

Now, Due to my hard work, we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69—year—old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”


My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23—year—old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10—inch black and white TV.

[DATo]

Two men are talking in the bar sharing
their sob stories. One man says, "I had
the worst Freudian Slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What is a
Freudian Slip?"

"You know, it's when you mean to say one
thing, but you say something else that
reveals what you are really thinking
about. Like the other day I was at the
airport and this really beautiful lady
was helping me. Instead of asking her for
'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her
for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."

The second replies, "Oh, now I know what
you are talking about. It's like the other
day when I was having breakfast with my
wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange
Juice, and instead I said, "YOU RUINED
MY LIFE B!TCH!"

[rolland]

Understanding women is like trying to explain to someone what the color of number seven smells like.

[TGTool]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, an American, a German, a South African, a Cypriot, and Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[callumlucas]

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your
next!!"

[oldtiffie]

Mary had a little lamb.

Both are doing well.

[TGTool]

Mary had a little bear
The best bear you could find.
And everywhere that Mary went
You'd see her bear behind.

Or

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get the postman a letter.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare
So they did it without. It was better.

(This may be too obscure for the younger set unless they know what a "french letter" is.)

[GNM109]

A man comes home early from work and, upon entering his bedroom, finds his wife naked in bed with a sheet pulled over her. In the ash tray on the night stand there is a smouldering cigar butt. The man finds this odd since he does in fact smoke, but only cigarettes.

Pointing at the cigar butt in the ash tray he asks her: "Where did that come from?"

From the closet he hears a man's voice say "Havana".