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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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    A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

    The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

    The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

    As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."


    • This is probably politically incorrect but it is grammatically correct:-

      There once was a queer from Khartoum
      Took a lesbian up to his room
      They argued all night
      As to who had the right
      To do what, with which and to whom


      • A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

        "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
        Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

        Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

        Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
        "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


        • This is really going to sound bad, but it's a true story.

          My house had originally been built with a full bath and a separate laundry room, before I bought it someone had turned it into a combined full bath/laundry room, with a half bath.
          Problem was they never put a mirror in, closest mirror was in the bedroom down the hall. We lived without a mirror for three years, all the time listening to wife saying she wants/needs/demands a mirror in the bathroom.
          Yesterday, I'm feeling a bit ambitious (still recovering from surgery) so decide to install a mirror on the door while wife was visiting friends. She came home, used restroom, and suddenly I hear her scream. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that I should have told her about the mirror because when she turned around and saw herself it scared the crap out of her. After thinking about it, I really should have said any at all other than "Now you know how I feel when I roll over in the morning"

          edited for spelling/phrasing.
          Last edited by kendall; 10-02-2016, 11:28 PM.


          • Originally posted by kendall View Post
            This is really going to sound bad, .... (still recovering from surgery) .... I really should have said any at all other than "Now you know how I feel when I roll over in the morning".
            Need more surgery after that?
            Weston Bye - Author, The Mechatronist column, Digital Machinist magazine
            ~Practitioner of the Electromechanical Arts~


            • I found this on S.E.D. as a schematic diagram of a certain candidate's brain. To keep this from being political, you may choose whomever you attribute this to:


              Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
              USA Maryland 21030


              • cool schematic.

                What do they call those "domino type"chain reactions where e.g. the candle burns the rope, the rope releases a weight, the weight causes another action and so on until it reaches a fina goal? Used to see some sketches with these scenes but I can't find any since I don't have the correct search key word.
                Helder Ferreira
                Setubal, Portugal


                • Look up Rube Goldberg machine.
                  Location: North Central Texas


                  • In England, commonly called "Heath Robinson" after a famous cartoonist.



                    • Paul,

                      I presume you've seen the Hamlet circuit, much simpler.

                      If not you can probably set it up in your head - a NOR gate with 2B and (not)2B.
                      "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                      • This is a book, published in England around 1932, that was given to my father when he was a youngster, and he gave it to me. I found it fascinating when I was a kid, and even today it has a lot of interesting historical information. This is the cover:

                        This is the inside front cover:

                        And the inside back shows the next instant:

                        A sample of what's inside:

                        Actually, I lost the book my father originally gave to me. Eventually, I found one in an on-line bookstore in England. At the same time, I was in contact with someone from S.E.D. who was in England, and he wanted to buy some surplus parts I had for about the same price as wanted for the book. I sent him the parts, he sent money to the bookseller, and she sent it to me.
                        Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
                        USA Maryland 21030


                        • Originally posted by Joel View Post
                          Look up Rube Goldberg machine.

                          The Japanese take on it:



                          • There were a whole series of 'Wonder' books. I have 5 of them;

                            The Wonder Book of Motors (1930 cars and driving)
                            The Wonder Book of Empire (probably not published in a US edition )
                            The Wonder Book of Do You Know
                            The Wonder Book of Science (quite interesting for modern readers)
                            The Wonder Book of Why and What

                            They were a popular series and I expect there were others. Typically the kind ofd thing that would be given to children as a birthday present.

                            They all have the cartoon disaster scenes on the inside front and back covers.


                            • I just overheard this conversation in the men's room of Lowes.
                              "My father was a respected doctor and he had these 3 absolute truths for men over 50
                              1. Never pass up the opportunity to take a piss
                              2. Never waste a hard on
                              And most importantly
                              3. Never, ever trust a fart!"
                              Sole proprietor of Acme Buggy Whips Ltd.
                              Specialty products for beating dead horses.


                              • Wonder Books After reading this I found a few sets on Ebay & bought a like new set of 10 for $19.99/shipped for my Grandson. Thanks!