Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[oldtiffie]

Me being Irish and all and all ................

Being of Irish extraction thse really got to me!!

Irish are the Best!

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

Sorry - not!!

[oldtiffie]

Dog's life

Inner Peace:
This is so true


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs . . .

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And mine at that!

[Bill736]

Irish women

Two Irish men come home from work, and find that their wives, Mary and Shawn, have just been in a terrible fight with each other. When asked what happened, Mary explains; I went to me doctor today, and he gave me a bottle and told me to bring him back a "specimen". I had no clue what he wanted, so I asks Shawn what to do. She says " you just piss in yer bottle". So I says " and you just crap in yer hat ", and the fight was on !

[Liger Zero]

The leaders of the Navy, Marine Corps and Air Force are playing golf.

After a few drinks the question came up: who had the most guts, biggest balls, the most courage.

The leader of the Marine Corps points at a passing Gunnery Sargent and shouts "YOU! RUN INTO TRAFFIC NOW!" The Gunny drops what he is doing and runs halfway across the expressway before he is hit by a bus.

The leader of the Air Force nods and says "Now watch this." He pulls out a radio, calls a jet fighter overhead and orders the pilot to point the nose at the ground and hit the afterburner, and don't pull up until ordered to do so. Seconds later the plane hits the ground full speed, killing the pilot.

The Admiral shakes his head and says "I can top that." He turns to the dock, looks high into the air and spots a seaman working aloft on an aircraft carrier.

He shouts: "YOU THERE! SEAMAN! JUMP!"

The Seaman shouts back "Sir, repeat that sir!"

The Admiral shouts again "I SAID JUMP!"

The Seaman looks down, frowns, and looks directly at the Admiral: "F*UCK YOU SIR" turns around and goes back to work.

[HSS]

Old couple were in a pub having a drink, the guys says 'Mabel do you remember this was the pub we first had a date in in 1944, you wore that red dress and we went outside and had a knee trembler behind the pub'

'Yes I remember she says, it was sixty five years ago in the blackout, do you fancy trying it again for old times sake ?

Well unknown to them they had been over heard by a couple of youths who thought this was hilarious and watching a couple of wrinklies sounded like sport to them.

So Bert and Mabel disappeared round the back, Mabel leaned on the fence and Bert lifted her dress leaned over here and got on with it.

Bert was going like a train, his knees were shaking, spit was coming out the side of his mouth and he was shagging for England.

The youths were amazed, they had only see things like this on porn films, the stamina of the man was unbelievable, finally they broke apart and Mabel went to the ladies to tidy up.
Bert was sill on the floor trying to get his breath back when one of the youths approached him and said.

"Look we only took a look as we thought it would be a good laugh but we were dead impressed, were you as virile as this sixty five years ago ?

Eee lad I don't rightly know, that electric fence weren't here then......................

.

SOB, I laughed so hard at this one, I was crying. Took me forever to read it to my wife, trying to read thru the tears. This is the best one yet. Thanks John

Patrick

[Arcane]

We were shearing on a big station in Western Queensland when a great ruckus erupted when a young rousie was found 'interfering' with the sheep in the back pens.

Some wanted him gone and others said to give the boy another chance, eventually the squater himself got involved and he said, "It is nothing, lots of the boys experiment with this sort of thing, he will grow out of it" then the union delegate shouted "You dont understand, we are shearing the rams this week!"

So............did you get to stay on the station??

[oldtiffie]

Damage

Why not? All he had to do was go to the back of the queue and give everyone else a go. When you are on a good thing - stick to it.

But have you ever considered getting both rear legs or a very big very irate ram out of your gum-boots while you're wearing them?

It ain't easy - but us from OZ and NZ, being the stalwarts that we are just press on regardless.

We've nearly fought wars with the Kiwis over wide-comb shearing heads - they are very dangerous around the family jewels and if that big ram bucks it could do you quite an injury.

[oldtiffie]

Tick tock

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush

C) Magpie

D) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple; It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

[Ian B]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I so miss mine."

[malbenbut]

Posted by Evan
Condoms are commonly sold in three packs, 6 packs and an even dozen.

There is a reason for this.

The black studs buy the three packs and label them Morning, Afternoon and Evening.

The Italians buy the 6 packs and label them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc but never Sunday.

But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......
__________________
You've got it wrong Evan - Its one pm- two pm- three pm-four pm- five pm right through till 12pm after that he has two hours sleep then goes to work for ten hours.
MBB

[oldtiffie]

Rent

neurotics build castles in the sky,
psychotics live in them,
psychiatrists collect the rent,
I wonder who they call for home repair

=========================================

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

================================================== ==========
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs..A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

================================================== ===================

What has

THE RANGE OF

8

INCHES

LONG.

THE

FUNCTIONING

OF

WHICH

IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

IS

USUALLY

FOUND

HUNG,

DANGLING

READY

LOOSELY

FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

IT

BOASTS

OF

A

CLUMP

OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

SMALL

HOLE

AT

THE

OTHER.

IN

USE,

IT

IS

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES

SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY,

MOIST

OPENING

WHERE

IT

IS

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND

AGAIN

MANY

TIMES

IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED

BY

SQUIRMING

BODILY

MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING

IN

WILL

MOST

SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND,

RESULTING

FROM

THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY

WITHDRAWN,

IT

LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE,

SOME

OF

WHICH

WILL

NEED

CLEANING

FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES

OF

THE

OPENING

AND

SOME

OF

FROM

ITS

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT.

AFTER

EVERYTHING

IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS

HAVE

CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING

STATE

OF

REST,

READY

YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY

REACHING

ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES

A

DAY,

BUT

OFTEN

MUCH

LESS.


WHAT AM I?


AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,

THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN...

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

TOOTHBRUSH...

what were you

thinking?

You PERVERT!

[oldtiffie]

Thumbs

You gotta read this

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb..

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

================================================

A must read for Grandparents.

Those who aren't will love it, too.


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded yes.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sports-manship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?'

Again the little boy nodded.

'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

================================================== ================

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.'

=====================================

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Love, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now I have a £500,000 home, a £45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.

It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

===========================================

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

================================================

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

A short time later over the PA system:

'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

=======================================

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?

Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order".

[Weston Bye]

The Violin: A device that employs the tail of a horse to extract music from the entrails of a cat.

[John Stevenson]

Weston,
That is a classic, may thanks for that insight on the world of music.

I was forced as a child at school to learn this abomination of an instrument. After three years the only decent sound I got out of that thing was an impersonation of Mike Hawthorn dropping 5 gears for Keppel Gate in the Isle of Man.

[smalltime]

Weston,
That is a classic, may thanks for that insight on the world of music.

I was forced as a child at school to learn this abomination of an instrument. After three years the only decent sound I got out of that thing was an impersonation of Mike Hawthorn dropping 5 gears for Keppel Gate in the Isle of Man.

And THAT would be the sound worth hearing!