Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[OKChipmaker]

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[oldtiffie]

E-Mooned!!

As there is a lot of use of icons - and emoticons? - as well as a lot of references to ar$e***s of one sort or another here, I thought I'd dig out this oldie and post it here.

E-MOONING!!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'AR$ICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ar$e

(__!__) a fat ar$e

(!) a tight ar$e

(_*_) an ar$ehole

{_!_} a swishy ar$e

(_o_) an ar$e that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ar$e

(_X_) leave my ar$e alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart ar$e

(_$_) Money coming out of his ar$e

(_?_) Dumb Ar$e

You have just been e-mooned!

[gnm109]

Bad Hearing

THE POWER OF PRAYER IS A WONDERFUL THING!

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[Rex]

Weston,
That is a classic, may thanks for that insight on the world of music.

I was forced as a child at school to learn this abomination of an instrument. After three years the only decent sound I got out of that thing was an impersonation of Mike Hawthorn dropping 5 gears for Keppel Gate in the Isle of Man.

Well, that's certainly a worthwhile result!

[Rex]

Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[oldtiffie]

Good info

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns in Women's Magazines!

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the lady from next door. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[oldtiffie]

2troo

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong !

========================================

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...

it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O
P Q R $ T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
( 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-$-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-$-$-K -I-$-$-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bull$hit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE
IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

=========================================

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known
As 'C.S.D.'



Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D .
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own efen lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'

Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers,
Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH. I love this One!!!

From a MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)

====================================

1 in 5 People will suffer from depression.

The "Mental Health Hotline": is available to anyone suffering from this disease

The instructions for the hotline are as follows.

"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you".

[oldtiffie]

Prayers

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for Ed

=========================================

An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Irishman shouts "Na ol ant-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow sh!t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".

The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

===========================================

MEN:
Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be King.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another public loo because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $1000. Morning suit rental $150.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

You have something to play with in your pocket all the time.

Your tummy usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a penknife.

You know how wide your car is.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache....

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it.

And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

============================================

A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

Only one question was asked:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world ?"

The survey was a huge failure however because:

In Africa, they didn't know what *food*meant,

In India, they didn't know what *honest* meant,

In Europe, they didn't know what *shortage* meant,

In China, they didn't know what *opinion* meant,

In the Middle East, they didn't know what *solutions* meant,

In South America, they didn't know what *please* meant,

And lastly....

In the USA, they didn't know what *the rest of the world* meant.

[jugs]

woman helping her husband set up their new computer,
for a password husband types PENIS, wife falls off her chair laughing when the computer replies password rejected.....









....not long enough

[jugs]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.


Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.



One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.


The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?



Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?



It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it says:

Polish Remover!!!

[Weston Bye]

First a disclaimer: my wife is half Polish and consequently so are my children to some degree. All my sons-in-law, too.

Now the joke:

Polish boy tries out for the football team. The coach hands him a football and says " Can you pass this football?" Polish boy looks at it, turns it over, judges weight, considers, then says "Coach, I don't even think I could swallow it."

[oldtiffie]

Aussie Customs

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai .He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, He sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pi$$ing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about $hit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs'.

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink pi$$, and listen to bull-$hit. "

==============================================

Bunnings (big harware chain in OZ) Story !


Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his very sexy wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

That is why you can't send a woman to get something from Bunnings!

=========================================

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I say
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'

Mobile (cell) phones..... don't you just love them!

[Jack Burns]

Two young women are strolling down the sidewalk chatting when one glances across the street and says "Hey, isn't that your boyfriend leaving the flower shop? And look what a beautiful bouquet he's carrying."

"Oh great" replied the other. "That just means I'll be spending the rest of the week flat on my back with my legs in the air."

Looking a bit puzzled, the first one blurts-out "Couldn't you just get a vase or something?"

[jugs]

Paddy tells Mick that he's thinking of buying a labrador.
'Not on your life' say's Mick,

'Have you seen how many of their owners go blind'.

john

[Alistair Hosie]

Irish IRA man sent out to blow up tanks comes back with his lips badly burned on the exhaust pipes.Alistair