Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[PStechPaul]

Turkey meal automation with canine assistance

An appropriate video for "Thinksgiving":

http://pics.ee/v-321223

https://www.facebook.com/josephsmachines/

[danlb]

Pot smoking is now legal in one form or another in more than a dozen states. This has raised a problem; how to tell if someone is driving while stoned. There are no established standards for the amount of THC one can have in their blood, breath, etc. As a result there is no standard field sobriety test for smoking dope.

The following field sobriety test has been suggested:

When making a traffic stop, instead of the traditional "Do you know how fast you were driving?" the officer should say in a deep voice "You'd have gotten away with it if not from those pesky kids!". If the driver giggles uncontrollably he's busted.

It has also been suggested that no test is required when the car is driving at less than 10 miles per hour in a 55 zone.

[Daveb]

I just overheard this conversation in the men's room of Lowes.
"My father was a respected doctor and he had these 3 absolute truths for men over 50
1. Never pass up the opportunity to take a piss
2. Never waste a hard on
And most importantly
3. Never, ever trust a fart!"

Postscripts.
1. There are NEVER enough opportunities.
2. Even if you're on your own.
3. They can still take you by surprise.
Dave

[callumlucas]

Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.

Thank you." As Leon was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turned from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us"

[Daveb]

An English schoolmarm went to a marriage agency and moved to South Africa to marry a Boer farmer. The newlyweds were going home from church when the farmer's horse stumbled. The farmer shouted 'VUN'. A short while later, the horse stumbled again. The farmer shouted 'DOO'. A few minutes later, the horse stumbled yet again. The farmer said nothing but produced a huge pistol and shot the animal between the eyes. His bride was shocked and said 'Darling, why on earth did you do that?' The farmer looked at her and said 'vun'

[Toolguy]

The Chinese have a saying for that - Kill the chicken, scare the monkey.

[Daveb]

A little OT but relates to Toolguy's post.
When I started school in the early 50s discipline was taken seriously and enforced with a 3 foot bamboo cane wrapped with copper wire.
The new intake were taken upstairs and past the headmasters study to witness headmaster applying discipline.
It was a different world then. Bastards!

[flylo]

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared.
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

[DATo]

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When a woman goes into labor with her first child, she is immediately terrified, in a lot of pain and not entirely sure what to do. She asks her husband for help. He makes the decision to call the hospital and ask them what his wife should do to make the pain stop and to get ready to go to the hospital. When a nurse gets on the phone, the man says, “Help! You have to send help! My wife is in labor!” The nurse very calmly asks if this is the woman’s first child. The husband yells, “No! This is her husband!”

=========================

A man is driving down the road with a bunch of penguins in the back seat of his car. The police stop him and tell the man that he cannot drive down the road with that many penguins in his car, it’s illegal. They inform him that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo right away. He is pulled over again the following day by the same police officer when the officer notices all the penguins still in the man’s car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” to which the man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

=========================

A man had front row seats to the final game of the World Series, right behind home plate. A man walks down the stands and asks if the seat next to him is taken. The man replies sadly, “No. This seat actually belonged to my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series she’s missed since we were married in 1994.” The other man said, “Wow. I’m so sorry, but you couldn’t find anyone else to come with you? Not a friend or family member who would love to sit in this seat?” The sad man replied, “No. They’re all at my wife’s funeral.”

=========================

An ambitious young lawyer was in her office late one night when the Devil appeared. He said that he had a proposition for her. “I will make you the best lawyer in the world. You will win every case. Your colleagues will be in awe. You will be rich and famous and everyone will love you because you are so smart and so talented. In return, I want the souls of your husband, your kids, your parents, your grandparents and everyone in the world you love.” The lawyer looked at the devil and replied, “So what’s the catch?”

=========================

A blonde gets on a plane bound for Chicago and leaves her seat in economy to sit in first class. When the flight attendant tells her she has to go back to economy because she didn’t pay for a first class ticket, the blonde says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here in this seat.” The flight attendant and the blonde repeat this process a few times before the attendant gets the pilot. The same thing happens to the pilot when he tries to talk to the blonde. He goes back to the cockpit and begins to radio the tower for assistance when the co-pilot asks him to wait just a second. “I’m married to a blonde,” he tells the captain. “I speak blonde, let me handle it.” He goes up to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” before getting up and going back to her economy seat. “How did you do that?” his colleagues ask him. “Easy. I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”


=========================

[Black Forest]

Sorry to say this is true. My wife asked if she could put on the Home Shopping Network on the TV when we went to bed. She then said she doesn't like it when the commercials come on and the Home Shopping Network doesn't have commercials! I just looked at her and she said "what?" I told her to think about what she just said. After not too long she smiled and said "Oppps!"

[Alistair Hosie]

Young polish girl asks farmer if he has any work she could do for him for spare cash. Sure said the farmer could you paint my porch. yaas said the girl ok if you make a good quick job said the farmer I will give you fifty bucks the girl cannot believe her luck fifty she said ok I do it now. The farmer went into the shed and with her help mixed up all the old open cans he had and poured them into a large bucket first straining them through a pair of old panty hose to filter out unwanted bits. When the girl went off to start the farmer retreated to his new man cave. His wife was a bit annoyed why didn't you tell the girl it was a wrap around porch it will take her all day. Oh dear smiled the farmer I must've forgot. About an hour or so later the girl came back and reported she was finished. What the whole thing asked the Farmer yes in fact there was so much paint left I gave it two coats. The farmer stopped drinking his coffee and took the fifty dollar bill from his pocket there you are young lady well done. She put it into her pocket and before leaving said you know that's not a porch it's actually a Maserati. Alistair

[Black Forest]

Young polish girl asks farmer if he has any work she could do for him for spare cash. Sure said the farmer could you paint my porch. yaas said the girl ok if you make a good quick job said the farmer I will give you fifty bucks the girl cannot believe her luck fifty she said ok I do it now. The farmer went into the shed and with her help mixed up all the old open cans he had and poured them into a large bucket first straining them through a pair of old panty hose to filter out unwanted bits. When the girl went off to start the farmer retreated to his new man cave. His wife was a bit annoyed why didn't you tell the girl it was a wrap around porch it will take her all day. Oh dear smiled the farmer I must've forgot. About an hour or so later the girl came back and reported she was finished. What the whole thing asked the Farmer yes in fact there was so much paint left I gave it two coats. The farmer stopped drinking his coffee and took the fifty dollar bill from his pocket there you are young lady well done. She put it into her pocket and before leaving said you know that's not a porch it's actually a Maserati. Alistair

Good one!

[Abner]

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?


Because if it had 4 it would be a sedan.

[Machine]

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when suddenly he fell into a hole. "Help!" he yelled. A mouse heard his cry for help and came running. When the mouse finally made it to the elephant, the elephant said, "Please Mr. Mouse, if you save me I'll be your best friend forever." The mouse agreed, and told the elephant to wait just a second. The mouse came back in his Corvette, tied a rope around the elephant, and pulled him out.

A few days later the mouse was walking through the jungle when all of a sudden, he fell into a hole. The mouse yelled for help, and soon that same elephant that he had saved just a few days earlier came to the rescue. The mouse said to the elephant, "Remember me? I'm that same mouse that saved you from a hole. Could you please help me?" The elephant agreed to help him. The elephant did not have a Corvette so he just dropped his penis down into the hole. The mouse climbed up the elephant's penis and was safe.

The elephant then said: "Isn't that way better? When you have one of these, there's no need for a Corvette."

[Westline]

Battle of the mind

It's January 1942 on the banks of the Volga Young Yuri just arrived on the Russian front to defend the motherland against the a well equipped Nazi war machine.
At the supply depot a long line of soldiers are waiting to be issued there weapons and enter into battle.
Due to a shortage in firearms every second soldier receives a Mosin Nagant and teams up with another soldier without a weapon but have some ammo.
By the time Yuri reaches the font of the line all weapons have been handed out and the men without weapons have already crowed every available soldier with a weapon.
What do I do now comrade asked Yuri as the supplier officer walks to his truck.
Slightly annoyed the officer turns around and looks at Yuri.
Well comrade I may have a solution but you have to do exactly what I tell you.
When you go into battle show the Germans what true Russians are made off, you don't need a weapons just lift your arms like you are holding a weapon and when you have a German in your "sights" just shout " ga gun ga gun" and they will run from fear.

This sounded a bit stupid but well Yuri did not dare laugh at an Officer so he reluctantly tried it.
As he made his way to the main battle, he saw a German in the distance he raised his "weapon" lined up the imaginary sights and shouted "ga gun ga gun" and the German did not run but fell over dead..... Weird thought Yuri he tried it again on another German and the same thing happend " ga gun ga gun" the German drops.
20 mins later Yuri is running like crazy all over Ga gun ga gun ga gun ga gun he shouts and Germans drop all around him.
This is amazing ... I will never run out of ammo.
The in the distance 600m away he spots a German and carefully aims... Ga gun ga gun...nothing happens.... 500m ga gun ga gun ... Still nothing ... He tries again at 400 .. 300... And 200 but the German keeps coming... When the German was about 100 meters away Yuri could just barely here the German shout " ka Tank ka Tank"