Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Daveb]

A young Australian couple move into a new (old) house, previous owner lived there for 80 years. Lot of old stuff to be cleared out, the couple get around to clearing the attic and find an object neither can identify. They call in a neighbour to look at it, the guy takes one look and beats a hasty retreat. They follow him downstairs and find him outside, looking worried. He told them he would bring the ute over later so they could get rid of it, even though it wasn't doing anything at the moment, could be dangerous. An hour later, the neighbour comes back and they wrestle the thing outside and load it onto the truck, drive down to the coast and get ready to push it over the cliff. The young woman asked the neighbour 'What IS IT?' The neighbour looked grim and answered 'It's a rary'. She turned pale, looked over the cliff and quietly began to sing, 'It's a long way to tip a rary.............................................. .

[jd99]

"The Chinese have a saying for that - Kill the chicken, scare the monkey. "

By the time I first heard that it had been corrupted into "choke the chicken, spank the monkey. "

[Black Forest]

[Toolguy]

I bet tennis is very popular in that area!

[Weston Bye]

she's overdressed - wrist bands.

[challenger]

Van we see the back of the sign please? [emoji16]



Galaxy S4, Slimkat
If I wasn't married I'd quit fishing

[OKChipmaker]

need photo of gate hinges to make sure thay will stand up to the use thay will be put to.

[Black Forest]

The first thing I noticed when I saw the picture were the diagonal cross braces of the gate. I would have run the bottom cross brace on the other diagonal so it would be in tension to stop gate sag.
Being a farmer I have built lots of gates so I noticed that right off.

[PStechPaul]

They will work fine under compression if they are stiff enough. And they should be plenty stiff....

[MattiJ]

The first thing I noticed when I saw the picture were the diagonal cross braces of the gate. I would have run the bottom cross brace on the other diagonal so it would be in tension to stop gate sag.
Being a farmer I have built lots of gates so I noticed that right off.

What gate?

[bollie7]

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle ofthe night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until SeniorConstable Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda Taylor told the magistrate.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ....
"I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?
"Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said: 'A pumpkin? s**t– is it midnight already'?"

[challenger]

What!? No "jack" - of lantern reference?

Galaxy S4, Slimkat
If I wasn't married I'd quit fishing

[George Seal]

Darn BF
you made me go back and look

I hadn't even noticed the fence much less the gate

[vpt]

Found a video of John Stevenson on the internet! Some language.

https://www.facebook.com/gameonsocialmedia/videos/881547721974676/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED

[callumlucas]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's......The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."