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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Mexicans were asked what they thought of Trump's proposed wall.

    They replied, "We are very upset ..... but we'll get over it."

    Comment


    • Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

      In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

      This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

      But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

      The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

      The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

      Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

      The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -

      Sinko De Mayo.

      WHAT?

      You really expected something educational from me?

      Comment


      • Not a joke but they used to run ships from Chicago to St Joseph & South Haven, MI with the ballast being barrels of whiskey as one round trip did the same of aging it 7+ years.

        Comment


        • India Pale Ale was supposedly created by the rocking motion of ships bound for India, although other accounts may be more accurate:

          https://www.thespruce.com/india-pale-ale-profile-352843

          http://www.smithsonianmag.com/histor...ame-180954891/

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/India_pale_ale
          http://pauleschoen.com/pix/PM08_P76_P54.png
          Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
          USA Maryland 21030

          Comment


          • Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.

            He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,
            'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?’

            His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.'

            'Oh,' Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

            A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.

            And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

            Comment


            • A police officer called the station on his radio.

              "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

              "Have you arrested the woman ?"

              "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
              “I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence”

              Lewis Grizzard

              Comment


              • This blind man had a sports shop, a woman came in to buy a rod and reel for her husband for his birthday.

                She asked the man where the fishing rods were and he told her at the back of the store, just pick out what you want and bring it to the counter, so she did.

                The blind man ran his hand over the rod and said "That will be $19.95."

                She said, "I have to have a reel". He reached down into the counter, felt around and set a reel on the counter and felt it and said this will be $32.95.

                The woman looked at him and said "Are you blind?" He said "Yes"

                She said "Well, how do you run a sports shop if you are blind." He said ."Nothing to it, I can feel, hear and smell, it's no problem."

                She shook her head and pulled out her checkbook and dropped the checkbook on the floor. As she bent over to pick it up, she passed gas.

                The blind man said "The duck calls are $9.95 and catfish bait is $3.50.
                .
                "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

                Comment


                • Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

                  Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

                  Margaret, 75, looked him over. “Nope.”

                  Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

                  Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

                  Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

                  Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

                  “Nope, not a clue,” she replied.

                  “IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

                  Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Should’a bought a hat, Bert. Should’a bought a hat.”
                  .
                  "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

                  Comment


                  • Location: The Black Forest in Germany

                    How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

                    Comment


                    • While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

                      An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew,
                      screaming: " U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!!"

                      Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

                      You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

                      "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

                      Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

                      Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

                      Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
                      Lynn (Huntsville, AL)

                      Comment


                      • Anyone who has seen the movie taken will recognize this.

                        Location: The Black Forest in Germany

                        How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

                        Comment


                        • NUDE BEACH ....... !!!


                          A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...


                          As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
                          than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.


                          She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'


                          The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother
                          that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.


                          She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'


                          Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play


                          Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:


                          'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
                          http://pauleschoen.com/pix/PM08_P76_P54.png
                          Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
                          USA Maryland 21030

                          Comment


                          • A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
                            After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.
                            "$3", says the bartender.

                            The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
                            This happened for 3-4 days and every day the bartender felt humiliated.

                            The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
                            Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".

                            The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."
                            All of the gear, no idea...

                            Comment


                            • Isn't this a joke thread? How you pay for your beer isn't particularly funny...

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by elf View Post
                                Isn't this a joke thread? How you pay for your beer isn't particularly funny...
                                It actually IS funnier over there.

                                More specifically, what's humorous varies in different cultures. Paying for the beer is a variation on "getting the best of" someone else, upped one level by having someone trying to "even the score" coming out on the short end once again. A similar example is the robot joke just above where the wife, whose comment is a poke at the husband, actually gets slapped herself by the robot in a turnaround.

                                There's even a category of jokes that develop their humor from the differences in what different cultures find funny. British vs American humor for example. Witness a joke of an Englishman traveling in the American West with his American companion in the 19the century. At one point during the day they've come to the crossing of several road with signposts to other locations. Underneath, some wag has penciled, "If you can't read this, inquire at blacksmith shop opposite." The American thinks this is pretty funny, but the Brit doesn't see that at all. That evening at the inn, the Brit comes in laughing and laughing. "Remember that sign we saw this morning?" he says. "Now I get it. Suppose the blacksmith were out?"
                                .
                                "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

                                Comment

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