Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Allan Waterfall]

NZ firefighters

One night in the township of Whakatane, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local Chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the Fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer Fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company General Manager rushed to the Fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire crew that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire crews had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the Firemen arrived, the G M shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire crew who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire companies could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another Fire Truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua rural township volunteer Fire company, composed mainly of retired Maori blokes over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down Fire Engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.. Outside, the other Firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful Chemical company President announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their Chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"


"Well," said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire Chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody Truck.

[Weston Bye]

"The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody Truck."

Never saw that one coming - sign of a well-told joke. Good job, Allan.

[GadgetBuilder]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that would move apart and then come back together. The boy asked: "What is it Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father watched in amazement a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up again in reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous twenty-four year old blond strode out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Quick. Go get your mother."

[challenger]

A guy, in his 70's, goes out and buys a brandy new corvette. He heads out on the highway and finds himself hitting speeds far in excess of the legal limit. He can't help himself even though he knows he is pressing his luck. Sure enough he spots a troupe behind him and sees the light come on. He pulls over. The officer says, "listen, it's Friday and I'm off this weekend and I'm about 15 minutes to the end of my shift. If you can give me a reason you are going 45 mph over the speed limit I'll let you go without a word". The guy says, "officer, three years ago my wife ran off with a trouper and I was terrified that he might be you and you were trying to bring her back". He drives away with no ticket.

Galaxy S4, Slimkat
If I wasn't married I'd quit fishing

[Pete49]

I found out today that cock fighting involves roosters.....there goes 6 months of training.
Pete

[flylo]

I hope it was with a speed bag & not a sparring partner.

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

I was patting myself on the back and accidentally pushed myself down the stairs.

[vpt]

This guy will fill your whole day with laughs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSrik39yD4E

[Bob La Londe]

I'm sure you have heard the one about the elf with a recording career. They call him a wrapper.

When he developed a barbiturate problem he became a slow wrapper.

[PStechPaul]

He was mediocre, so they called him a c-rapper!

Bubba and Dubya were sitting in a duplex outhouse, and when Bubba got up, a quarter fell out of his pants into the pit. So he pulled out his wallet and threw a $5 bill in. Dubya said, "Why'd ya do that?". Bubba replied, "I sure ain't goin' down there for a quarter!"

George Washington's son was feeling mischievous, so he knocked over the outhouse and rolled it down the hill into the river. Later, George asked his son, "Did you knock over the outhouse?", and his son said, "You told me not to lie, so, yes, I did". George took him behind the woodshed and gave him a sound whacking, and the son said, "But your father didn't punish you when you admitted to chopping down the cherry tree". And George replied, "Yes, but my father wasn't IN the cherry tree when I cut it down!"

[1-800miner]

Why you never meet a wealthy Mexican?
When they come into money they become Spanish

[1-800miner]

Did you know Helen Keller had a trampoline in her back yard?
She didn't either.

[1-800miner]

The difference in a genealogist and a gynecologist?


One studies the family tree. One studies the family bush.

[PStechPaul]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a car when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?"


The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."

[Black Forest]

How to determine if you are old.

Fall down in public with bystanders. If the bystanders laugh you are young. If the bystanders panic and run to you and ask if you are OK you are old!