Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[batt-man]

Young boy walks into his classroom and sits down
Teacher: "Freddie - why are you late for school?"
Freddie: "sorry miss, my dad got burned this morning"
Teacher: "oh Freddie, I'm sorry to hear that. Was it bad?"
Freddie: "they do not piss about down the crematorium!!"

[flylo]

When a teenager my friend had an old beater car the gas tank leak so he had one in the trunk. This was the era of 200 mpg carbs, etc & real gas station with real service. We'd pull in & ask if the had a water hose & park where they could see us & put a gallon or 2 in the real tank then carefully put 2 asprins in the tank & close the lid, smile, wave & drive away while anyone watching's chin hit the ground. Worked every time.

[PStechPaul]

Back on the '60s someone where I worked bought a Volkswagen, and he bragged about his great fuel economy, about 30 MPG compared to the 15 or so most of us were getting in our typical Detroit Iron. So some of he guys waited until he was busy, and they put a gallon or two of gas in his tank for a while. He bragged that he was now getting 40 MPG, then 50, and finally 100! Then the guys started siphoning gas from his tank, and he got very quiet...

[flylo]

I had 2 diesel Rabbits that got 55 mpg on diesel & were very comfortable. Used to drive 1200 miles to the cabin & screw around a weekend on $25.

[loose nut]

Remember the "perfect" woman.

38-24-36

38 years old
looks like a 24 year old
has an IQ of 36

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How many Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, he pays anything he screws $120,000 to deny it happened.

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What do camels and women have in common. They never forget, they hold a grudge and the bigger the humps the better.

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Two soldiers are in a trench, during WW1, up to their knees in mud and $#!+, rats crawling all over them, infested with lice and fleas and the smell of the rotting corpses everywhere. Suddenly an airplane flies overhead and one of the soldiers says “I hear that the life span of a pilot is only about 2 weeks”. The other reply’s “lucky bastards”.

[kendall]

Back on the '60s someone where I worked bought a Volkswagen, and he bragged about his great fuel economy, about 30 MPG compared to the 15 or so most of us were getting in our typical Detroit Iron. So some of he guys waited until he was busy, and they put a gallon or two of gas in his tank for a while. He bragged that he was now getting 40 MPG, then 50, and finally 100! Then the guys started siphoning gas from his tank, and he got very quiet...

Had a coworker who always ragged on anyone that mentioned using 4x in the snow, always bragged that he never used 4 wheel drive except of road in deep mud.
One of the guys noticed that he always had his hubs locked in and having seen the way he drove, we were doubtful to say the least, So unlocked his hubs.
He called in the next day because he had to be towed out of the ditch.
He didn't live that down.

[Dave C]

Had a coworker who always ragged on anyone that mentioned using 4x in the snow, always bragged that he never used 4 wheel drive except of road in deep mud.
One of the guys noticed that he always had his hubs locked in and having seen the way he drove, we were doubtful to say the least, So unlocked his hubs.
He called in the next day because he had to be towed out of the ditch.
He didn't live that down.

I worked with a guy that made the same claims. Never have to use four wheel drive. His vehicle was a 1974 Chevrolet Blazer. No locking hubs, because it was full time four wheel drive. He didn't understand the concept, or how to use the dual range transfer case. Dipsheet.

[Black Forest]

I worked with a guy that made the same claims. Never have to use four wheel drive. His vehicle was a 1974 Chevrolet Blazer. No locking hubs, because it was full time four wheel drive. He didn't understand the concept, or how to use the dual range transfer case. Dipsheet.

My younger brother used to always tell me I was wasting my money always buying 4x4 pick-ups. In that four wheel drive only helped you get stuck faster and deeper. So one day he calls me from his pick-up telling me he was stuck and could I come pull him out. I drove out to where he was stuck and drove circles around his truck and the while rubbing it in that my 4x4 had to rescue his 2x4. He never mentioned anything ever again about four wheel drive being a waste but I rubbed it in every chance I got about having to pull him out!

[lynnl]

Back on the '60s someone where I worked bought a Volkswagen, and he bragged about his great fuel economy, about 30 MPG compared to the 15 or so most of us were getting in our typical Detroit Iron. So some of he guys waited until he was busy, and they put a gallon or two of gas in his tank for a while. He bragged that he was now getting 40 MPG, then 50, and finally 100! Then the guys started siphoning gas from his tank, and he got very quiet...

Over the last 40 or 50 years I've probably read or heard that story told at least a thousand times, and in far too many cases to believe, the teller claims personal involvement or knowledge.

I admit it makes a nice little story to repeat anytime fuel economy, practical jokes, workplace pranks, etc. are discussed, but it sounds a little more credible told in the third person.

[lynnl]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks "Olive or Twist?"

What usually happened when John Milton was included in party board games? A pair of dice lost.

[TGTool]

Psychic buying clothes.

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: How do you know, you haven't even tried it on?

Psychic: I'm a medium.

[TGTool]

A group of recent police recruits are in a class to enhance and hone their skills .

The trainer tells them that careful observation will be one of the most important skills they can develop for their jobs. Pulling a beaker out from under the desk he holds it up and says, "Here's a urine sample from a young 18 year old girl who is still a virgin." He dips a finger in, licks his finger and says, "This will be an exercise in observation" and passes the beaker around the class for all of them to try.

Next he pulls out a second beaker and says, "Now here is a urine sample from a 50 year old prostitute." Again dipping a finger in and licking it he passes this one around the class too.

Once both samples have made their way around the class, the instructor says, "Now the lesson for you in careful observation is this. The finger I put in the beaker is not the finger I put in my mouth."

[danlb]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,"Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now.

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"



"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[PStechPaul]

Q: What's the difference between parsley and p***y? A: You aren't supposed to eat the parsley.

Q: What's the difference between meat and fish? A: If you beat your fish, it will die.

[TGTool]

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics, the young couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: could they
possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time
anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” And he left them sitting at the Gate. After three months, St Peter finally returned,
looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple. “I can get you married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could
we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

“You must be bloody joking” said St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here…..
Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?