Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

There is a large pickle production facility nearby. Lots of cucumbers being grown and processed into all those lovely pickle products.
Sad story recently about one of the machine operators. He got his finger caught in the pickle slicer.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They both got fired.

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

Doesn't make sense unless you mean:

He got caught with his finger in the pickle slicer

[challenger]

True but that usually gives the punchline away. Regardless of the exact preferred syntax I'm thinking most would "get" the joke.
Even you [emoji38]

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

True but that usually gives the punchline away. Regardless of the exact preferred syntax I'm thinking most would "get" the joke.
Even you [emoji38]

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

I knew the joke (different version of it) so I kind of recognized it but I doubt I would have got the botched version.

[danlb]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Except in the workplace

[danlb]

An engineer retires to the countryside. One day he's passing the blacksmiths shop and he sees the Smith making horseshoes. "I can do that, " he told the Smith. When he got home, the engineer made four horseshoes in his little workshop. The blacksmith is impressed. Each edge is milled , each hole is perfectly drilled, the finish is immaculate and all four shoes are identical. He tells the engineer to fit shoes to a horse while he goes home for lunch.

When the smith returns, the shoes are fitted, each one set dead center, each nail trimmed and polished. "That's a great job you've done there, couldn't do better myself, only , why is the horse upside down?" "Dunno", said the engineer, "he's been like that since I took him out of the vise".

[PStechPaul]

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

The version I have heard is "Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill".

https://www.inspirationalstories.com...vercome-youth/

[danlb]

California has recently legalized marijuana. There were several reasons for this. One was to put the gang drug pushers out of business by making cheap grass available. Another was that a huge percentage of "pot heads" were getting their grass legally via a "medical marijuana card" because of a "bad back".

Somewhere along the lines the idea of cheap, easy to get legal grass was forgotten.

The required labeling for a packet of grass for sale:

The primary panel is the portion of the label that is most likely to be displayed to the consumer at retail. Primary panel labeling must include:

The identity of the product
The amount of THC/CBD in the package
The CDPH-issued universal symbol
The net weight or volume

In addition, primary paneling for edible products must include the words "cannabis-infused" and contain the amount of THC/CBD per serving.

The informational panel can be located anywhere else on the package. Informational panel labeling requirements include:

The manufacturer's name and contact information (website or phone number)
The date the product was manufactured
The government warning statement
The ingredient list
Instructions for use
The expiration date

Keep in mind that this a a product formerly sold in a baggie with a label consisting of the word "Thai" written on it with a sharpie. Often, it did not even have that. The only description was verbal assurances that it was "good sh*t". Also keep in mind that most pot heads will not ever read any thing on the label until they are stoned, at which point they are likely to read the label many, many, many times.

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

California has recently legalized marijuana. There were several reasons for this. One was to put the gang drug pushers out of business by making cheap grass available. Another was that a huge percentage of "pot heads" were getting their grass legally via a "medical marijuana card" because of a "bad back".

Somewhere along the lines the idea of cheap, easy to get legal grass was forgotten.

The required labeling for a packet of grass for sale:



Keep in mind that this a a product formerly sold in a baggie with a label consisting of the word "Thai" written on it with a sharpie. Often, it did not even have that. The only description was verbal assurances that it was "good sh*t". Also keep in mind that most pot heads will not ever read any thing on the label until they are stoned, at which point they are likely to read the label many, many, many times.

I'm guessing that is the only product in CA that doesn't cause cancer over there?

[38_Cal]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And poof she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna”. And poof she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he asked.

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

[danlb]

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

[danlb]

■ Physics:

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."
"Where are we then?"
"Do you see that mountain over there?"
"Yes."
"Well… THAT'S where we are."

■ What is a physicist's favourite food? Fission chips.


■ Why did Erwin Schrِdinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages? Because they were quantum mechanics.


■ A friend who's in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it's proof by induction.

[PStechPaul]

Where did the dyslexic atomic scientist work?

The department of unclear research...

[dewat]

Happy Fathers Day.......

https://imgur.com/l0taMnO

[lynnl]

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where's the bar tender?"