Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Black Forest]

suicide attempt!

eighty year old lady is admitted to the hospital emergency room with a gunshot wound to the knee.

The doctor asks her how she came to have a gunshot wound to the knee.

She explains that her dear husband died a while back and she just wanted to join him in heaven. So she asked someone where would be the best place to shoot someone to kill them right away. That person tells her the best place is direct in the heart. So she calls her doctor and asks him where exactly is her heart located. He told her just under your left breast!

[loosewatches]

This is a great thread after the unfortunate, but entertaining Motorcycle mystery debate and hate thread. I submit the following, of unknown origin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, British people. Are you kidding me? “Washing-up liquid”?

It’s soap. Possibly detergent. “Washing-up liquid”?

I tried to use your ‘Queen’s English’ the other day, and I’ve got to tell you it’s not very convenient.

I was at home and I said to my wife, “Lovey, please save me some hot sprinkling-down-all-over-me liquid, I need to take a shower. Do we have any rub-it-into-my-hair-before-I-rinse-it-out-and-repeat-again liquid? **** it, I’ll just use me new bar of get-the-dirt-off-my-ass.”
“By the way, wifey, has the dog been drinking out of the flushing-it-down-the-toilet liquid-holder again? Bloody hell, that’s gross. Throw his buggar ass outside and show him his slurping-it-out-of-the-bucket fluid on the porch.”

I had to leave just then. I was going to the hardware store. It was a beautiful day and I thought I’d fetch me some brushing-it-all-over-the-outside-of-my-house substance. The only trouble was I didn’t know what color to paint the trim. Second-one-of-the-American-national-colors color would be good, but perhaps too plain. Every house on the block is like that. Maybe the true-shade-of-my-skin-even-though-everyone-says-I’m-a-second-one-of-the-American-national-colors-colored-guy color would be nice. Not so plain.

You guys kill me. Soap. Water. Shampoo. Soap. Toilet. Dog-Water (I’ll let you have that one.) Paint. White. Beige.

[dp]

Stop me if you've heard this...

A PR guy goes into a machinist's BBS and says "hey guys - I have a Diesel-electric bi-folding motorcycle I'm designing for the past decade and I am looking for some well heeled investors".

Eh, say what? You've heard it? Damn

[loosewatches]

In response to the list of ten fine puns a page or two back:

I'm a tipi! I'm a wigwam! I'm a tipi! I'm a wigwam!

No, settle down son. You're just two tents.

[Ian B]

News just in - the magical motorcycle shapeshifted unexpectedly during test riding and threw its rider and passenger:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worl...motorbike.html

Ian

[John Stevenson]

This is a great thread after the unfortunate, but entertaining Motorcycle mystery debate and hate thread. I submit the following, of unknown origin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, British people. Are you kidding me? “Washing-up liquid”?

It’s soap. Possibly detergent. “Washing-up liquid”?

I tried to use your ‘Queen’s English’ the other day, and I’ve got to tell you it’s not very convenient.

I was at home and I said to my wife, “Lovey, please save me some hot sprinkling-down-all-over-me liquid, I need to take a shower. Do we have any rub-it-into-my-hair-before-I-rinse-it-out-and-repeat-again liquid? **** it, I’ll just use me new bar of get-the-dirt-off-my-ass.”
“By the way, wifey, has the dog been drinking out of the flushing-it-down-the-toilet liquid-holder again? Bloody hell, that’s gross. Throw his buggar ass outside and show him his slurping-it-out-of-the-bucket fluid on the porch.”

I had to leave just then. I was going to the hardware store. It was a beautiful day and I thought I’d fetch me some brushing-it-all-over-the-outside-of-my-house substance. The only trouble was I didn’t know what color to paint the trim. Second-one-of-the-American-national-colors color would be good, but perhaps too plain. Every house on the block is like that. Maybe the true-shade-of-my-skin-even-though-everyone-says-I’m-a-second-one-of-the-American-national-colors-colored-guy color would be nice. Not so plain.

You guys kill me. Soap. Water. Shampoo. Soap. Toilet. Dog-Water (I’ll let you have that one.) Paint. White. Beige.

Don't worry Loose watches, one day you too will learn joined up writing.

.

[winchman]

Forgive me if this is a repeat, but I just heard that Al Gore and his wife are getting a divorce. It seems she caught him boring another woman.

[gnm109]

Forgive me if this is a repeat, but I just heard that Al Gore and his wife are getting a divorce. It seems she caught him boring another woman.

Very good.

I heard that one day Al gore was out on a date with Hillary Clinton. He told her "Gosh, you're a lot nicer than Tipper". Hlllary responded, "Why yes, that's what Bill says".

[saltmine]

Poetic justice?
The Fire Chief Explains

In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.



A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.. 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor... The couple survived the fire.



Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?



The fire chief said, "They were at work"

[WAS Jr]

I know Hillary appreciates a good joke. I don't know her personally, just exchanged a few words with her from the next urinal at the mens room at the airport once. Bill S

[gnm109]

I know Hillary appreciates a good joke. I don't know her personally, just exchanged a few words with her from the next urinal at the mens room at the airport once. Bill S

Yes, I've heard that she's a "stand up" kind of a girl.

[Liger Zero]

On a warm summer's morning
' on a bus bound for Fairport...

I met up with The Operator...

we were both too tired to sleep.

So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness

'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of make'n people's product,

And knowin' what their lies were by the way they held their eyes


so if you don't mind my sayin', I can see running short-shots...


For a taste of your coffee I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my thermos and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the bus got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.


Said, "If you're gonna run the press, boy, ya gotta learn to run it right.

You got to know how to mold 'em know where to hold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know what to run.
You never trim your product when you're working at the press boy.
There'll be time enough for trimming when the mold'n done.

Ev'ry Operator knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.

'Cause blisters can be fixed boy and every crack a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

When he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere before sunrise... The Operator, he changed over.
But in his final words I found some product I could ship...

....

You got to know how to mold 'em know how to hold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know what to run.
You never trim your product when you're working at the press...
There'll be time enough for trimming when the mold'n done.

[Black Forest]

government

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held togethe by renergy sucking forces called lawyers, which are surrounded by vast quantities of leach like particles called democrats. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more lawyers to become neutrons, forming iso-dopes.


This characteristic of lawyer promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever democrates reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, and all energy is lost.
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[Black Forest]

Fluctuations!

"Fluctuations"

When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I
needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me ... An Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of
yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says;
.
.
"Fluc you white people too!"

[crancshafter]

Stay awvay from the kitchen

One guy up north was reading in the paper about a gay down south who had been beath do death by his wife, with a fryingpan, shocked hi shaked his head and said to him self: "what the h..l was he doing at the kitchen???"
CS