Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[lakeside53]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: So that millions of people could question why

Nooo... To show the possum [or insert local squished wildlife] it could be done.

[garyhlucas]

My grandson and I saw a turtle crossing the road last week and trying to be funny he said “so why did the turtle cross the road?” The first thing I thought of was “To get to the Shell station!” He got that because he lives across the street from a Shell gas station.

[lynnl]

Why did the elephant cross the road?

....because it was the chicken's day off.

[DancingBear]

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he was stapled to a chicken.

[Baz]

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road? .............. To stretch its legs.
How do you eat Welsh cheese? ............Caerphilly.
What cheese is best in this hot weather? ............... Brie eeez.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? ....... C'mon bear.
What's a circus performer's favourite cheese? ......... Stilt-on.
For our UK readers: Where do cows go on holiday? ....... 'Uddersfield.
Where do you find cowes on holiday? ............ Isle of Wight.
What cheese makes a mosquitos fly faster? ............ Cheshire (for UK WW2 aircraft buffs only)
What cheese makes you rubbish at cricket? ............ Lancashire (for Yorkshiremen only)

[danlb]

An agricultural scientist goes into a shop. He asks: "Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase?
Shopkeeper: "You mean Roundup?"
Scientist: "Yeah, that's it. I can never remember that dang name."

[PStechPaul]

It was little Jimmy's birthday, and his parents said, "What do you want?".

Little Jimmy said, "I wanna watch!"

So, they let him...

[danlb]

Apparently I snore so loudly that it annoys everyone else in the car I'm driving.

[danlb]

[Robin R]

Due to dwindling numbers caused by global warming, the Canadian Mint is going to stop making toonies with the polar bear on it. The new coin will have 2 gay male deer on it and will be called 2 f'n bucks.

[flylo]

I told my son, "you will marry the girl I choose." he said, "no."

I told him, "she is Bill Gates' daughter." he said, "yes."

I called Bill Gates and said, "i want your daughter to marry my son." Bill Gates said, "no."

I told Bill Gates, "my son is the CEO of the world bank." Bill Gates said, "ok."

I called the president of world bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, "no."

I told him, "my son is Bill Gates' son-in-law." he said, "OK."

And that's exactly how politics works.

[bborr01]

I hope this one is cleanish enough.

Guy goes to a hooker and asks her how much for sex. She tells him $200. He said that is pretty expensive. She said that's my price, take it or leave it. He decides to take it and pays her the $200.

Takes his clothes off and starts masturbating. She looks at him and asks him what he is doing. He says "for that price you don't think you are getting the easy one, do you"?

[boslab]

Funny, I’d marry gates but I don’t think he’s going to like my wardrobe

Mark

[Glug]

Funny, I’d marry gates but I don’t think he’s going to like my wardrobe

What, you think he hates foundry boots?

[flylo]

Missing Ex-Wife…..

The day after his ex-wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your ex-wife," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your ex-wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."