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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • a good blonde joke
    A blonde is driving her little red sport car too fast on the interstate and she gets pulled over by a female trooper who also happens to be a blonde. The trooper approaches the car and asks for the driver’s license. The driver frantically searches through her purse but can’t find it. She then becomes very upset and starts to cry. Between her sobs she asks, “What does it look like?” The cop replies, “It’s rectangular and has your picture on it.” After a little more digging the driver locates her mirror, looks at it and then hands it to the officer. The trooper takes a look and says, “Oh, you’re free to go, I didn’t realize you were a trooper too!”

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    • Why do ducks have webbed feet?---To stamp out forest fires!!!
      Why do elephants have such big feet?---To stamp out flaming ducks!!!
      Brian Rupnow
      Design engineer
      Barrie, Ontario, Canada

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      • My daughter is a 1st grade teacher and she is always doing things to keep the kids entertained, engaged and learning at the same time.
        So she took a bag of lifesavers to school and gave each student 5 lifesavers, lemon, lime, orange, cherry and honey.
        She had them all taste the yellow one and asked, "OK class what flavor is that"? Little Johnny said that's lemon and was right.
        She then did the same with the lime, orange and cherry and they guessed all of them correctly.
        The last one was the brown honey flavored Lifesaver. After passing them out and all of the students tasted them no one could answer the question of what flavor it was.
        She tried some hints but they still didn't get the answer, so she tried another hint and said it is something that your mom might call your dad at times.
        Little Debbie yelled "spit it out it's an a$$hole.

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        • And the Lord said to Lazarus, "COME FORTH AND RECEIVE ETERNAL LIFE!!!" ....... but Lazarus came fifth and all he got was a toaster.

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          • Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

            A: A mechanic.
            My recommendation?

            No matter what I tell you, get a second opinion.

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            • Originally posted by Tony907 View Post
              Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

              A: A mechanic.

              Q: What do you call a horse with an Amish guy's hand in it's mouth?

              A: A customer

              If it doesn't work the other way, then it's not really funny

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              • Everybody's got an arse.

                But nobody wants a smartarse!
                Location- Rugby, Warwickshire. UK

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                • Originally posted by Mark Rand View Post
                  Everybody's got an arse.

                  But nobody wants a smartarse!
                  Not me, I'd rather have a smartarse than a dumbarse.

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                  • Originally posted by 3 Phase Lightbulb View Post
                    Not me, I'd rather have a smartarse than a dumbarse.
                    Hence all that taco bell.

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                    • Originally posted by Glug View Post
                      Hence all that taco bell.
                      I think that's a fatarse and nobody really wants that.

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                      • The Joke I know just isn't funny. It's 3watt dimbulb. You know him he has classic textbook little man syndrome. lms for short & you have to type in in small latters not caps. Wish I knew a funnier joke but I don't. Here's proof https://www.healthguidance.org/entry...explained.html

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                        • Originally posted by flylo View Post
                          The Joke I know just isn't funny. It's 3watt dimbulb. You know him he has classic textbook little man syndrome. lms for short & you have to type in in small latters not caps. Wish I knew a funnier joke but I don't. Here's proof https://www.healthguidance.org/entry...explained.html
                          That is one of your better jokes.

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                          • Getting it back on subject....

                            {Q}.... What are the three things an average plumber knows?

                            {A}.... Poop stinks, water runs down hill, and payday is Friday.

                            {PS}... A Good plumber also knows not to lick his fingers on his coffee break.
                            At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

                            Location: SF East Bay.

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                            • An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?"

                              "Sure, buddy," says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

                              "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"

                              The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!"
                              At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

                              Location: SF East Bay.

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                              • A couple for the kids:

                                How do you catch a unique rabbit?
                                U-nique up on him.

                                How do you catch a tame rabbit?
                                Tame way!
                                Location: North Central Texas

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