Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[danlb]

Is anyone interested in jokes? Funny stories? They really can be quite entertaining....


While training off the Florida coast, a Navy Seal Unit could not inflate their boat so they started swimming to shore. They soon spotted an old beachcomber standing on the shore. The unit leader shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the seals started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there the leader asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

[danlb]

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

[PStechPaul]

Why Science Teachers are not asked to monitor recess:

[danlb]

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowdays, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, Aye Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ....."

[TGTool]

I'm reminded of the story, perhaps apocryphal of the guy given only the initials N. B. by has family rather than a given and middle name. And he got pretty tired of putting his name on things only to be asked for his "real" name. So he gotten used to writing down on applications and other papers N(only) B(only) and whatever his surname was.

So when he went in the army he also gave them the same info (innumerable times).

And true to form, he went through his service listed as Nonly Bonly.

[Weston Bye]

I'm reminded of the story, perhaps apocryphal of the guy given only the initials N. B. by has family rather than a given and middle name. And he got pretty tired of putting his name on things only to be asked for his "real" name. So he gotten used to writing down on applications and other papers N(only) B(only) and whatever his surname was.

So when he went in the army he also gave them the same info (innumerable times).

And true to form, he went through his service listed as Nonly Bonly.

My brother was only given a middle initial, not a middle name. His dog tags in the army carried the initial and then NMN (No Middle Name)

[garyhlucas]

Lady went to the doctors and was told she was low on Vitamin D and should take some every morning. Her husband told her that was just a euphamism for something else. They’ve been having sex in the morning for a month! He is worried about her next visit.

[flylo]

I'm reminded of the story, perhaps apocryphal of the guy given only the initials N. B. by has family rather than a given and middle name. And he got pretty tired of putting his name on things only to be asked for his "real" name. So he gotten used to writing down on applications and other papers N(only) B(only) and whatever his surname was.

So when he went in the army he also gave them the same info (innumerable times).

And true to form, he went through his service listed as Nonly Bonly.

My Grandfather was named JB Motley so when he went into the service they named him Jesse Bryant.

[PStechPaul]

I saw a sign that read "Moshe Goldberg's Chinese Laundry", and I went in to ask about the name. The obviously Oriental gentleman told me that he was in line at the immigration office, behind a Jewish man, and when asked for his name, he said, "Sam Ting".

[danlb]

Her: I was in here making dinner, and there was this big spider.
Him: Uh-Huh?
Her: I yelled for you, but of course you were not wearing your hearing aids, and did not hear me.
Him: Ummm.
Her: So running on pure adrenaline I sprung into action.
Him: Yeah?
Her: I jumped up and smashed it with the first thing that I could grab.
Him: Really? (starting to take interest)
Her: And that's why I need a new $200 mixer.
Him: Crap!
Her: And you need to repaint the kitchen after you patch the hole in the wall.
Him: Think they can fix my hearing aids?

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

"Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you." -Internet

[danlb]

The Priest and the maid were both fired quite messily,
for you see his vest was found in her pantry,
and her pants were found in his vestry.

[danlb]

On his honeymoon, the groom took off his pants and said to the bride, “Here, try these on.” The bride did as she was told, and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me...”

“Exactly,” replied the groom. ”I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you ever to forget that.”

Then the bride took off her pants and handed them to her husband as she said,

“Here, you try on mine!” As requested, he tried them on.

“I can’t get into your pants,” he said with a question in his tone.

“Exactly,” she replied. “And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”

[flylo]

My Grandfather who was a pastor said the man was the head of the house but his wife was the neck which turns the head, very true!

[danlb]

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign
that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred
and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "that's 40 cents, please."

They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've
each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime.

Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip
their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of
the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered
anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men ask the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.