Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[flylo]

True story, when I was 13-16 I worked spring, summer & fall at Deer Forest in Coloma a sort of small zoo & amusement place with a train etc for $1.35/hr/ On Sat the bar/restuant down the st on Paw Paw Lake in Comoma had great bean soup for 2 cents a bowl so we all went there& would argue over the bill for fun. The Liquor board got on them so they raised it to a dime & we all thru a fit then they made them stop. I made & saved ebough that when a was 151/2 1974 bought & paid cash for '69 1 of 500 made Camaro Converable Pace car was in mint cond. Only time I destroyed a car on purpose. My dad said no it was too much car so made me spend $200 on a '62 Dodge dart which I took to auto shop pulled the valve cover & it was o packed with sludge you could see the indents of the valve springs. I tried to pull the pan but would have had to pull the engine so put everything back on, filled with dtergent oil & after the oil light came on drove the long way home. My dad felt so bad he let me get my Camaro. Same one the have at the Indy Museum.

[BMW Rider]

I wear the pants in my household, my wife tells me which ones.

[flylo]

These are Great! https://www.birthdaywishes.expert/sigmund-freud-quotes/

[danlb]

The barkeeper took pity on the downcast man as he served the third whiskey. He looked like he needed a friend. "What's got you so down, Buddy?" he asked.

The many slowly raised his head. His eyes were red as if he were about to cry. "You see," he said, "My wife of 40 years has been having an affair. She came crying to me that he's leaving her." He tossed back the drink and motioned for another.

"Did you have any idea?" the barkeep asked as he refilled the glass.

"Well, it was pretty obvious. She'd started dressing up and going out with a friend frequently. On Monday nights she'd go dancing, leaving me to fend for myself by watching football and nursing a beer or three. On Wednesdays she'd come home bubbling about some fancy french restaurant that served snails and pat'e or some other god awful dish, and she was not even interested in my recount of the NASCAR race that I'd watched while she was gone. Some Saturdays' she'd stay out so late at "the opera" that the last inning of the double header was over before she came through the door. "

"You poor man. At least it's over now." the bartender said in his most sympathetic voice. "Do ya have any idea why he's leaving her?"

"He told her that the endless sex was wearing him down." The man muttered.

The bartender was speechless

"But he told me that I was not paying him enough and I can't afford to give him a raise! I may never watch a football game in peace again." he sobbed.

[PStechPaul]

A guy hurries into the bar, and says:

"Quick! Get me a Zombie, a Black Russian, a Jungle Juice, and a Navy Grog!"

The bartender asks:

"Wow, that's a lot of different flavors. What's the occasion?"

"My first BJ"

"Congratulations! Celebrating?"

"No, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth..."

[tlfamm]

William Shatner, on the death of his father:


I was on the Star Trek set when my mother called to inform me that my father had died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I was devastated, devastated. Truly grief stricken. This man had been my foundation. I flew to Miami and arranged for his body to be shipped to Montreal. When we got to Montreal, I had to pick out his coffin. The funeral director took me into a showroom where the different coffins were lined up like TV sets. They ranged from a simple pine box to a lead-lined gold-embossed coffin. There were numerous variations of different quality, at different prices. I had to choose the box in which this man I loved so dearly would be buried.

As I was making this decision, I could not help but think about him. He had immigrated to Canada as a young boy. He had shined shoes and delivered newspapers and struggled to save enough money to bring his siblings to the Americas. His was a heroic story. He had become a successful manufacturer and salesman of inexpensive suits. He taught me how to fold a jacket, how to work hard, and how to save money. And as I stood in that showroom staring at these coffins I heard his voice telling me distinctly: “Spend the money on the living.”

I bought him a nice pine box.

During his funeral the next day, that coffin was wheeled into the chapel. It was among the most difficult moments of my life. I was standing next to my sister Joy, and as our father was being eulogized I whispered to her, “Dad would have been very proud.”

“Why?” she asked.

I said, “I got a great deal on the coffin.”

“Why?” she asked again. “Is it used?” I couldn’t help myself; I started laughing. I covered my mouth, but it was of little use. That so perfectly described our father. Of course Joy started laughing, too. Other people heard what we said and suddenly ripples of laughter moved like a wave through the chapel.

It was a glorious experience; that change of emotion from sadness to laughter made it memorable. It was the furthest thing from a lack of respect; it was, in fact, a celebration of his life in those few words.


from:
"Live Long and ... What I Learned Along the Way" by William Shatner

[TGTool]

I just heard an amusing one from someone over the weekend who grew up deep in Louisiana.

What's the loneliest body of water in the world?

Bayou Self.

[danlb]

This guy walks into a bar with a large Parrot perched on his head. 'Where the heck did you get that?' asked the barman.

'Well, the Parrot replied - you won't believe it, but it started as this little wart on my butt !'

[Black Forest]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[Ian B]

What do you call a camel with 4 humps?

A Saudi Quattro

[elf]

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was shocked.

[TGTool]

OR

Mary had a little bear
The best bear you could find,
And everywhere that Mary went
You'd see her bear behind.

I haven't taught that to the grandkids yet.

[velocette]

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was shocked.

Abridged Edition

Mary had a little lamb the doctors said it could not be
They had got test tubes all mixed up
The job was done by AID

[RichR]

The way I heard it:

Mary had a little lamb
A little pork, a little jam
A little egg, with dumplings white
For Mary had an appetite

[brian Rupnow]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father killed it dead.
And now she takes her lamb to school
Between two chunks of bread.