Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[TGTool]

Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she went to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram
and Mary had a little lamb.

Of if we're getting into lyrics and slang the younger generation may not understand.

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get the postman a letter.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare
So they did it without. It was better.

(ask an old fart to explain)

or yet

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over along came old Rover
And gave her a bone of his own.

I could go on, but ....

[DATo]

PROFOUNDLY FAMOUS QUOTES

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. . ." -Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" - George Bush, US President

I have opinions of my own, strong opinions but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne

/

[Black Forest]

I told my wife that onions are the only food that makes you cry. She promptly hit me in the face with a coconut. I was wrong!

[armedandsafe]

I stopped by my local computer repair shop to look through his "stuff" for some tiny screws for a project I'm developing. I then went to the hardware store to pick up lock nuts for the screws. When I went in, one of the clerks greeted me and asked what I needed. It took me a moment to understand why he started laughing when I told him:
"I'm looking for my nuts."

[PStechPaul]

With apologies to Spike Jones:

"I used to work in Manhattan, in a hardware store,
A woman came in for a fastener, I asked her what kind she came for.
A screw, she said, so screw her I did,
I did but I don't anymore"

"I used to work in Milwaukee, in a floor covering store,
A woman came in for some carpet, I asked her what kind she came for.
Shag, she said, so shag her I did,
I did but I don't anymore"

[TGTool]

So a guy is coming up for his citizenship hearing but is worried about how hard that might be and asks a friend who'd passed it not long back.

"Well," the friend says, "It's not that hard. They only ask you three questions. Who was the first president of the United States, how many states are there, and what are the colors of the American flag? But just to make sure, I wrote the answers on the waistband of my shorts so I could cheat if I needed to."

"Brilliant!" the first guy says. "Say, ... what would you take for that pair of shorts?"

After some hard bargaining he buys them for twenty five dollars and is filled with new confidence for his hearing. So the day for his hearing arrives and he's all set.

The judge looks down and asks him, "So, what is the name of the first president of the United States?"

Peeking down in his waistband he says, "J C Penney"

"And how many states are there in the United States?"

Peeking again, "Thirty-four and a half"

"And what are the colors of the American flag?"

"Brown and white."

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

Three men were sentenced to be executed by guillotine; a priest, a Muslim, and an Engineer.

First was the priest and he asked: "Can I face upwards to see Heaven and my Creator?".

His wish was granted, the blade fell, but stopped 1/2 inch from his neck, sparing his life.

The executioner replied: "Since the guillotine has spared you, so shall be your life. You are allowed to leave."

Next was the Muslim and he asked: "May I also face upwards to look to Allah before my death?"

Again the guillotine stopped just short and his life was spared as well.

The Engineer was last and he too asked to face upwards given what happened with the first two.

As he lay there, he looked up at the mechanism and said: "Aha, I see the problem! The rope has jumped out of the pulley groove!"

[lynnl]

...then what happened?

They brought him in for a job interview -right? Or maybe hired him on the spot.

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

...then what happened?

They fixed the problem and re-sentenced all three for a successful execution.

[DATo]

More Quotes

I don’t know what Scrope Davies meant by telling you I liked children, I abominate the sight of them so much that I have always had the greatest respect for the character of Herod.
George (Lord) Byron

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first
hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one
to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right
for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split
down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finally stopped
about 5 ft from the hole.
Jesus looked at Moses and said "Good shot Moses."
Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was
also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very
wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball
finally stopped about 3 ft from the hole.
Moses looked at Jesus and said "Good shot Jesus."
Finally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old
man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gopher
picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and
grabs the gopher and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning
strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gopher, the gopher hits the ground, the
ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Good shot Dad."

haiku
Windows NT crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks; you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f**king cross?
Bill Hicks

Conservative: A liberal who has just been mugged.
Anonymous

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.
- John Galsworthy

I’m Catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!
Richard Jeni

Baptists never make love standing up; they're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing!
Lewis Grizzard Jr.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
- G.K. Chesterton

You might be a redneck if… you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
- Jeff Foxworthy

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
- Charles 'Chic' Murray

From time to time, my mother puts on her wedding dress; not because she’s sentimental, she just gets really far behind on her laundry.
- Brian Kiley

Grandchildren can be f**king annoying – how many times can you go ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
- Joan Rivers

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers; good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Elayne Boosler

Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.
Denis Diderot

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

Easy way to tell if it's turned on or off.

[Corbettprime]

Way back when, I worked for a company called Gates Rubber Co. In the machine shop was a sign that rear: "If it won't fit, don't force it! Get a bigger hammer".

[3 Phase Lightbulb]

Easy way to tell if it's turned on or off.

Note: Does not work consistently with 2-ways, 3-ways, etc.

[The Artful Bodger]

Switch is 'on' when down in major countries of the world.

[garyhlucas]

Switch is 'on' when down in major countries of the world.

My dad told me I had a foreign switch because after I installed it the writing said NO FFO.