Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[danlb]

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.

The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.

"Don't use the Lord God’s name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.

The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land.

"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, "God dammit, I missed."

The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.

Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, "Dammit, I missed."

[danlb]

A man slides onto the barstool and yells to the barthender "Hey jackass, give me a beer!".

The bartender silently draws a mug of beer and sets it down in front of the customer. The customer downs it and yells out again.

"Hey jackass! give me another beer!"

Without a word the bartender serves another beer. The guy drinks it down, then gets up and leaves.

Another customer has been watching this and so he steps up to the bar and beckons the bartender over.

"Why do you let him get away with being so rude?" he asks.

"He-ha, he-ha, he's halways like that, it's ok." was the stuttered reply.

[loose nut]

Back in the 80s, I had a Jeep CJ7 and an English mastiff. Buford (the mastiff) weighed in at over 200lbs, huge dog could put his pays on my shoulders and look me straight in the eyes.

.

So if he wanted, he was big enough that, he could actually make you his bitch.

[Black Forest]

True story. We bought a Black Labrador puppy a while back. She is now 8 months old I think. Since we got her I have been trying to get the wife to put her in a crate at night. For me this has always been SOP for young dogs. Put them in the crate after taking them outside just before I go to bed. Take them out at 6am when I get up. Has worked for over 50 years for me. Once the dogs are old enough and developed enough to "hold" it for 6 hours it seems to work fine. Others endorse this method also.

Two nights ago I had to get up two times in the night to pee. Most nights I sleep through. In the morning while we are having coffee the wife starts in on me. She says she is going to order a husband crate for me. That I am old enough to hold it all night and not wake her up when I get up to go pee. That my bladder should be developed enough to hold it, bla bla bla! Then she asked if I had a color preference for my crate. We had a good laugh. This morning I guess I looked pretty tired when I got up and she inquired if I didn't sleep well. I told her I was tired from "clenching" for two hours and waiting for 6am to role around for it to be legal if I got up. She had tears rolling down her cheeks from laughing at my discomfort!

[TGTool]

True story. We bought a Black Labrador puppy a while back. She is now 8 months old I think. Since we got her I have been trying to get the wife to put her in a crate at night. For me this has always been SOP for young dogs. Put them in the crate after taking them outside just before I go to bed. Take them out at 6am when I get up. Has worked for over 50 years for me. Once the dogs are old enough and developed enough to "hold" it for 6 hours it seems to work fine. Others endorse this method also.

Two nights ago I had to get up two times in the night to pee. Most nights I sleep through. In the morning while we are having coffee the wife starts in on me. She says she is going to order a husband crate for me. That I am old enough to hold it all night and not wake her up when I get up to go pee. That my bladder should be developed enough to hold it, bla bla bla! Then she asked if I had a color preference for my crate. We had a good laugh. This morning I guess I looked pretty tired when I got up and she inquired if I didn't sleep well. I told her I was tired from "clenching" for two hours and waiting for 6am to role around for it to be legal if I got up. She had tears rolling down her cheeks from laughing at my discomfort!

You should be drinking a different wine. There's a variety made especially for us older folk to take care of that get-up-at-night problem. It's called Pinot More.

[MattiJ]

Identify the machine tools

[DrMike]

Left to right - chain saw, hammer drill, circular saw

[Tungsten dipper]

clever!

[MattiJ]

Pretends to be band saw even if I think its bicycle rim in the photo. (band and rim are both "vanne" in Finnish)

Appears that there is actually also machine tool called rim saw..

[lynnl]

What'd the chicken say to the duck starting to cross the road?

"Don't do it! ...You'll never hear the end of it!"

[fixerdave]

I love the internet

Story, not a joke.

So, I've got this 3D printer filament, TPE-80, soft and rubbery and I needed to glue a couple of printed parts together. Of course, I google how to do it and end up on some forum post...

Seems the really expensive glue you can buy for it is pretty much just xylene. Xylene works just as well, and it can be applied in a very controlled fashion via art brush (much better than the often-recommended toothpick). But CA will also hold quite well though it is somewhat brittle and scratchy so it's good for eyelashes and fingernails but not anything you'd touch like the vagina.

Yeah, that wasn't the sentence ending I was expecting either... sooo, the URL is dollworld something or other and, at this point, I'm assuming it's not the porcelain dolls that Grandma used to collect. But, you know... so long as I've got the answers I want, who am I to question the poster's research methodology?

The internet is a strange and wonderful place and it seems everyone is an expert is something.

For the record, I'm gluing together custom grips for my kid's bike... just so you know.

David...

Update: Just on the off-side chance that someone ends up here on a google search wondering how to glue up TPE-80... Xylene did nothing. No reaction at all. Zippo. Nada. Teach me to trust what I read on Google. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do with a litre of Xylene... NO, I'm not going to buy a doll

[Rex]

For the record, I'm gluing together custom grips for my kid's bike... just so you know.

David...

Sure you are, David <wink>

[flylo]

I didn't think this was funny until I read FixerDave glued his vagina shut, now it's funny as hell

[loose nut]

Don't you just hate it when that happens!

Wife's been doing it for years.

[flylo]

This is no joke. Years ago my aunt went in the hospital & had the work done after have all the kids & convinsed my uncle the sewed her shut & he believed her the rest of their life.