Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[lynnl]

The "Finals" day for the national collegiate men's extemporaneous poetry contest had arrived. One of the finalists, a liberal arts student from Yale stood before the panel of judges and was selected to go first.
His opponent, a co-op 4th year sophmore from West Virginia awaited his turn.

The lead member of the judge panel gave the Yale student his instructions: Construct a short visually oriented poem using the word Timbuktu.

The Yale man thought for a few moments then began:
"Slowly 'cross the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu"

"Very good" the judge said, "and now you sir...", nodding to the West Virginia lad.

He stepped forward and immediately began:
"Tim and me, a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They wuz three, and we wuz two
So I bucked one, and Tim bucked two"

[Black Forest]

Shili Cook Off in Texas

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time
to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who
have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to
be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[lynnl]

Here's a couple from Click and Clack, the tappet brothers', cartalk radio show this weekend, in case some of you might've missed it.

Back in the 1800's, one of the best watch makers in the country was a family owned company in Connecticut, "Tates' Watch Company."

With the westward migration and expansion, made more arduous and hazardous by the lack of any signs or directions for westward travel, the Tates company decided to start producing compasses to aid the travelers in their journeys, (not to mention further enriching the company.)

As it turned out though, their compasses did not reflect the high quality of workmanship and dependability that their watches did. So a lot travelers destined for Calif., for example, might end up in Mexico, or the Pacific northwest.
So it was this case of manufacturing ineptness that gave rise to the expression "He who has a Tates is lost."

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago a world renowned botany professor led a team of graduate students on an expedition into the Amazon jungles, to discover and catalog any previously unknown plant species they might find.

He had the students go out and establish working relations with some of the remote villages and solicit the natives' help in the discovery process.

A few weeks later one of the top students returned and told of a rare fern the natives were using which served as a very effective laxative. The student showed some of the ferns to the professor who was very impressed, and said "My gosh! With fronds like this, who needs enemas."

------------------------------------------

A small local company opened for the new work week one Monday, to find that over the weekend some vandals or thieves had stolen every bathroom fixture, from every restroom in the facility.

When the TV news crew showed up to interview the company president about any progress in the investigation he said "right now we don't have a thing to go on."

-------------------------------------------

Remember William Tell, the great archer, famous for shooting the apple off his son's head?
What many people don't know is that William Tell, and his entire family were very avid bowlers, and helped initiate league bowling.
Unfortunately a fire destroyed the bowling facility, and all the records were lost in the fire.
As a result, "no one knows for whom the Tells bowled."

[jugs]

This is a bricklayer's accident report. which was printed in the
Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a TRUE story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award. The letter begins:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.

When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull; minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed on Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep in the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Mark McGrath]

This is a TRUE story.

Don`t know about a true story but I remember it as a song about twenty years ago.

Mark.

[jugs]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
.
.
.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
.
.
.
.
.
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

[Evan]

This really is a true story. I had no idea that a politician existed with a sense of humour.

A London hospital was today at the centre of controversy after an MP claimed that it hired out one of its wards to a film company to shoot a porn movie.

Portsmouth North MP Penny Mordaunt told the Commons that the movie had ended up generating “substantial income” for the hospital. She did not want to identify the hospital.

But the Standard understands it is St Charles Hospital off Ladbroke Grove in west London. Local health chiefs were unable to confirm or deny this.

Ms Mordaunt raised the case to highlight the need for transparency in public spending.

“When I was director of Kensington and Chelsea council, I discovered that one of our local hospitals was hiring out one of its closed — but fully equipped — wards to a film company to use as a film set,” she said.

“To add insult to injury, the movie was a pornographic one. Although I cannot claim to have seen the final picture — as I understand these things are no longer claimable on parliamentary expenses — it was a big-budget affair and generated substantial income for the hospital. But apart from cheering up a few of the inpatients, it cannot be said to be contributing to the objectives of the primary care trust.”

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23853101-big-budget-porn-movie-filmed-in-london-hospital.do

[Rustybolt]

Young man;
Had I known you were a virgin I would have taken my time.
Young lady;
Had I known you had more time I would have taken off my pantyhose.

[John Stevenson]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

.

[fishfrnzy]

An oldie.

A rabbi has been performing circumcisions for many years and has been saving the foreskins in a jar with alcohol. One day the jar becomes full and he ponders what to do with them. An idea comes up and he takes them to a taxidermist and says " can you make anything with these " taxidermist says "come back in 2 weeks.'

The rabbi returns and says "what do you have for me?" Taxidermist says "you're going to love it." Then he produces a small pale wallet. The rabbi is a little underwhelmed but says " ok , how much for the wallet?" "two hundred dollars," says the taxidermist. Flabbergasted the rabbi says "why so much for such a little wallet?"

Taxidermist says, " how many people do you know that have a wallet that when you rub on it, it turns into a briefcase?"

[jugs]

A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for ?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says,
.


.
"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"

john

[mlucek]

This is a bricklayer's accident report. which was printed in the
Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a TRUE story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award. The letter begins:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.

When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull; minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed on Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep in the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

The MythBusters show did a segment where they tried to duplicate this urban legend/myth. They were actually somewhat successful and considered the tale to be "plausible" That was one of the funnier episodes from that show too

Mike

[jugs]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are ******ed because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[JanvanSaane]

New car

My daughter told me a joke today. "Good news, GM has just invented a car that runs on water,,, but the bad news is you have to use water from the Gulf of Mexico". Jan

[Arcane]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning",said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".

"Go away!" said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."