Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[nickel-city-fab]

Q: What do old basketball player do?

A: The dribble.....

[loose nut]

This is no joke. Years ago my aunt went in the hospital & had the work done after have all the kids & convinsed my uncle the sewed her shut & he believed her the rest of their life.

Huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Black Forest]

A teacher wanted to demonstrate to her 4th grade class the dangers of alcohol. She took four glasses and filled one with beer, one with wine, one with whiskey and the last with water. Then she put a live worm in each of the four glasses. The next day she showed the class that the worms in the glasses with beer, wine and whiskey had died but the one in the water still lived. So she asked her class what have we learned from this experiment? One boy raises his hand and answers, "People that drink beer, wine and whiskey don't have worms"!!!!!!

[TGTool]

I can't remember if this has been pitched before. Joe Biden's probably grateful this isn't Sweden

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
* The 2 Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

[mattthemuppet]

Not a joke but the first option is what did for most of the mutineers from the Bounty once they got to Pitcairn island

[RetiredFAE]

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a fuzzy rat's butt anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does
mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you!?

[Dan Dubeau]

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it down" says the second.

"Let's tell the captain that we've decided not to go" says the third.

Headstrong they head to the captains quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.

The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they'll be going ahead with the journey.

"But we've got you outvoted 3 to 1" the sailors cried in unison.

"You fools" said the captain "you're all forgetting one thing!"

"What's that?" Exclaimed the sailors.

The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.

"That this isn't a democracy..."

"It's a dick tater ship!"

[Dave C]

Reading about wrenches in another thread reminded me of a joke I heard many years ago. Two salesmen were traveling on a Mississippi delta dirt road in a model T truck when one of the front wheels started wobbling. Inspection rvealed the spindle nut had worked loose, and the search was on for a "Monkey Wrench. The truck's tool box was empty, so they started off on foot to find help. They reached a sharecropper's shack and were met by the woman resident. They asked if she had a monkey wrench that they could borrow, and without a word, she turned and went inside. When she returned she was holding a douch bag. They told her that was not a monkey wrench. Her reply: Well, it what I rinces my monkey with.

[DATo]

Reading about wrenches in another thread reminded me of a joke I heard many years ago. Two salesmen were traveling on a Mississippi delta dirt road in a model T truck when one of the front wheels started wobbling. Inspection rvealed the spindle nut had worked loose, and the search was on for a "Monkey Wrench. The truck's tool box was empty, so they started off on foot to find help. They reached a sharecropper's shack and were met by the woman resident. They asked if she had a monkey wrench that they could borrow, and without a word, she turned and went inside. When she returned she was holding a douch bag. They told her that was not a monkey wrench. Her reply: Well, it what I rinces my monkey with.

That last line might actually be, "Well that's what I wrenches my monkey with." Back in the 50s it was not uncommon to hear a woman use the word wrench in place of rinse, for instance, "I have to go wrench out my washcloth." or "Wrench these out in the sink." In the novel A Confederacy Of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole he has a female character use the word in this context.

[Dan Dubeau]

lol. there is absolutely NOTHING that won't be debated around here. The proper terminology of wrenching a monkey lol

Now to continue along those lines....

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[RB211]

lol. there is absolutely NOTHING that won't be debated around here. The proper terminology or wrenching a monkey lol

Now to continue along those lines....

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Haha, but seriously, they need to kick her ass out to the curb and make her take her life by the horns and get on with it.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[lynnl]

What kind of footwear do frogs wear?
...

Open toad shoes! Ha..ha..ha. Get it?

(Oh well, your kids and G'kids might appreciate it.)

[Willy]

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?", said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No chit?", replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Arcane]

[kendall]

Well, that refutes my whole space/time vortex theory.