Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[PStechPaul]

Those aren't socks - they're "sucks"

[Tundra Twin Track]

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?", said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No chit?", replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Good one Willy!

[Black Forest]

This really happened last night. My wife and I went out to dinner at a new Asian restaurant that opened in our small town. When they brought our plate of appetizers I thought I would give the Chop sticks a go. It wasn't working out well for me. As our very nice waitress walked by I stopped her and asked if they had left handed Chop sticks because these right handed ones weren't working for me. She said yes sir and off she goes. She came back with another pair of chop sticks and told me to try these. I did and then proceeded to use the new sticks quite well. She stood there with a strange look on her face and walked off a little puzzled! My wife of course wanted to beat me or poke me in the eye with her chop sticks. She then ranted at me that I knew damn well how to use chop sticks and why did I bother that poor girl...I still thought it was funny.

[ATW]

We were a small electronic engineering company and the IT fell on the shoulders of the engineering staff, the marketing department (of two) had just persuaded the boss that they needed a new all bells and whistles laser printer that duly arrived and was installed.

I quickly realised that the LCD display on the printer could be controlled by HPLJ commands sent to it in print jobs and some fun could be had...

The next day the marketer (top bloke and good sport) rushed into the engineering office wanting to know why the printer was asking him to "Insert Coins"?

After a bit of fake poking and prodding us engineering folks could not find the coin slot and asked "how much have you been printing, you haven't exceeded you monthly allowance in one day?" and "you didn't order the model which has the coin payment terminal?". Out of sight someone else cleared the LCD back to default and all was well.

A few days later after hours we collected all the unclaimed print jobs from the other printers and scattered them around the market printer and changed the display to read "What a night...", again the marketeer was concerned that his new printer had a mind of its own or we had something to do with it!

I and a few others in the know were going to be offsite for a couple of days - a chance to have some fun and the alibi of not being there. A cron job was set up to randomly change the display to various messages over the next couple of days.

On returning we were met by the marketeer who had a rather serious look on his face as he reported the strange messages the printer had displayed.

He had grown so concerned that he had rung up the printer manufacturer and wanted to know why it was doing it. Their standard response was "our printer can't do that" followed by "have you tried turning it off and on".

Of course that worked until our job kicked in and changed the display again, at which point he rang them up again and "wasn't going to be fobbed off with turning it off and on" - I think at this point he spotted the look of horror on our faces and we had to fess up.

As I said he was a top bloke and laughed about it with us, but of course we payed for it later...

[Bob Engelhardt]

We were a small electronic engineering company and the IT fell on the shoulders of the engineering staff, the marketing department (of two) had just persuaded the boss that they needed a new all bells and whistles laser printer that duly arrived and was installed. ...

Priceless! Being an engineer can be a lot of fun.

[jtrain]

why did the chicken cross the road??
To get to the idiots house.


Knock knock
who's there?
the chicken

[brian Rupnow]

Dog Days of summer---When I was a kid, I asked my mother a million questions.--and she always had an answer. I asked "Mom, why do they call it the "Dog days of summer, in August?." Mother never hesitated--She told me what her mother had told her 30 years before. "They call it the dog days of summer because it gets so hot that dogs go mad from the heat and start biting people!!"--I was a grown man before I found out that it has to do with the position of the dog star Sirius in the sky at that time of year. My mother will be 99 next week and she's still going strong.

[PStechPaul]

"Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun"

[Glug]

Nations strippers say they are still "In it to win it," despite their lackluster pole numbers.

[mihit]

[PStechPaul]

http://muttleydog.com/cgi-bin/RandomQuoteImage.php

Refresh the page and a new random quote will appear

[Black Forest]

I think this was a group of HSMers.

[PStechPaul]

I wonder if they are air, oil, or water hardened? They also probably have a mean temper!

[lugnut]

I know this is a old one, but someone posted it on my wife's facebook today and I had to laugh at it again.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

[TGTool]

DR SEUSS EXPLAIN'S COMPUTER'S

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report
.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well - reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom.