Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Subject: Auto-Correct

    FIRST TEXT MESSAGE:

    Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Richard

    Max, enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

    SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

    Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
    It's all mind over matter.
    If you don't mind, it don't matter.

    Comment


    • If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny…and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

      We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

      Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

      One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

      It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

      Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

      Time stood still.

      The first thing I notice is my penis trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

      It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

      Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

      At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

      This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

      'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

      Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

      So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

      I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

      I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

      There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

      Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

      1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

      2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

      3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

      4 - My left eye will not open.

      5 - My right eye will not close.

      6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

      7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

      8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this).

      That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

      The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.












      Home, down in the valley behind the Red Angus
      Bad Decisions Make Good Stories​

      Location: British Columbia

      Comment


      • Love it Willy.--Made me laugh this morning.---Brian
        Brian Rupnow
        Design engineer
        Barrie, Ontario, Canada

        Comment


        • I recalled one from way back in high school this week.

          Q: What has sixteen balls and sings?

          A: A male quartet.

          You're wondering, how does that math work out to sixteen? Well, obviously one of them must be a tenor.
          .
          "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

          Comment


          • I am not sure this will work but I will try to post these pictures in order. I don't have the text only pictures. Click image for larger version

Name:	shock1.png
Views:	441
Size:	287.4 KB
ID:	1856742Click image for larger version

Name:	shock2 (1).png
Views:	485
Size:	156.3 KB
ID:	1856741Click image for larger version

Name:	shock3.png
Views:	443
Size:	394.4 KB
ID:	1856743Click image for larger version

Name:	shock4.png
Views:	491
Size:	104.7 KB
ID:	1856740
            Location: The Black Forest in Germany

            How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

            Comment


            • Originally posted by TGTool View Post
              I recalled one from way back in high school this week.

              Q: What has sixteen balls and sings?

              A: A male quartet.

              You're wondering, how does that math work out to sixteen? Well, obviously one of them must be a tenor.
              Sombody's going to question that math.
              “I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence”

              Lewis Grizzard

              Comment


              • Three times two plus a TENner is sweet sixteen!

                If you love dogs, particularly Norwegian Elkhounds, or Moose Dogs, you may enjoy this email exchange:


                https://wwwx.cs.unc.edu/~hays/humor/dogs_in_elk.html

                After reading this (again), I see that it was really a newsgroup thread, and the dogs involved were Basenjis and a New Guinea Singing Dog.
                Last edited by PStechPaul; 02-21-2020, 06:38 PM.
                http://pauleschoen.com/pix/PM08_P76_P54.png
                Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
                USA Maryland 21030

                Comment


                • [QUOTE=PStechPaul;n1856773][SIZE=14px]Three times two plus a TENner is sweet sixteen!

                  Aww, you went and spoiled the fun.
                  “I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence”

                  Lewis Grizzard

                  Comment


                  • On the same downhill path ...

                    Q: What has 2 tits, 14 balls and goes whistling through the woods?

                    A: Snow White and the seven dwarfs.
                    .
                    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by TGTool View Post
                      On the same downhill path ...

                      Q: What has 2 tits, 14 balls and goes whistling through the woods?

                      A: Snow White and the seven dwarfs.
                      That is the same as:
                      Click image for larger version

Name:	images.jpg
Views:	419
Size:	10.0 KB
ID:	1856975
                      Helder Ferreira
                      Setubal, Portugal

                      Comment


                      • A recent survey found that six out of seven dwarves were not happy.
                        Last edited by BMW Rider; 02-23-2020, 03:43 PM.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by BMW Rider View Post
                          A recent survey found the six out of seven dwarves were not happy.
                          But you can easily pick out the one with the huge smile on his face.
                          .
                          "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

                          Comment


                          • I would like you all to caption this picture.

                            Click image for larger version

Name:	exercize.png
Views:	286
Size:	419.5 KB
ID:	1858462
                            Location: The Black Forest in Germany

                            How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

                            Comment


                            • The reason our parents told us not to swallow bubble gum

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by Dan Dubeau View Post
                                The reason our parents told us not to swallow bubble gum
                                Got it in the first response!!!!
                                Location: The Black Forest in Germany

                                How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X