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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Originally posted by nickel-city-fab View Post
    everybody got quiet after that last one
    Aw hell... I about blew yogurt out my nose reading that. I try not to be sipping coffee or anything liquid while reading through this thread but never thought I'd have to worry about food.

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    • Originally posted by kendall View Post

      My wife cut loose with a fart one night that was so bad it woke me up from a dead sleep and had my dog scratching at the bedroom door to get out, not his typical 'polite' scratch to get out, but up on his back legs scratching with both paws and whining.
      So bad, middle of January and I had the windows half open for the rest of the night.
      I think you win that one

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      • Dear Abby
        I'm a 68 year old man with a history of severe respiratory diseases so I've been self quarantining at home.
        Recently my wife's behavior has been changing. When she comes home from public meetings she is very affectionate. She kisses me and touches my face, eyes, nose and mouth. She also licks my coffee cup.
        What's going on?
        Signed - Confused in Ohio


        Dear Confused
        Your wife is seeking a Wuhan Divorce.
        Abby

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        • Look at these hero's risking their lives to save the lamb.
          Click image for larger version

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          Location: The Black Forest in Germany

          How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

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          • Looks like the joke's on ewe!
            Kansas City area

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            • It's not insomnia, it's a good book and a low regard for tomorrow...
              David Kaiser
              “You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.”
              ― Robert A. Heinlein

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              • Walking the woods across from the park I picked up two golf balls. I've found a number of them before, guys apparently having fun whacking across the creek towards my back yard. Nothing funny in that except it reminded me of a joke.

                It's in the middle of the afternoon and almost nobody's in the bar except for a guy with neck brace on. The bartender is just making conversation and asks the guy how that happened to him.

                "Well, I was out golfing," the beer drinker says.

                "No way. You can't get hurt like that playing golf!"

                "Yeah, it was like this. I was playing the city course, and you know how number six is right along old farmer Bontrager's pasture. Well, I sliced right off into the pasture so there's no help for it but to climb over the fence and look for the damned thing. So once I get over, I see there's a lady already there looking for her ball. Since we're both hunting I figured we might help each other out so we agreed that if one of us found a ball we'd give a holler and see whose ball it is. Well, I'm fanning the grass looking for a ball and keeping one eye out for the cows in the pasture when something catches my eye. I look harder, and sure enough, there's something white stuck right in the back end of that cow. I go over, lift the tail and look closer. It's a Titleist. Well I'm not playing Titleist so I hold the tail up and say, 'Hey lady, does yours look like this?' And that's when she wrapped the iron around my neck."
                .
                "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

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                • that's a good one.
                  Lynn (Huntsville, AL)

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                  • All things bright and beautiful,
                    All creatures great and small.
                    All things wise and wonderful,
                    The Chinese eat them all...
                    All of the gear, no idea...

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                    • Is this a modern Easter story . . . . not intended to offend anyone tnx jp!




                      So I woke up My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage. 😳
                      _____________________________________________

                      I would rather have tools that I never use, than not have a tool I need.
                      Oregon Coast

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                      • George came into the house mid-morning on Sunday looking a bit the worse for wear and sporting two black eyes. The Mrs. demanded to know what he had been up to?

                        Well I was playing cards at Bernies last night and drank a bit to much so I stayed over. Feeling poorly I went to church this morning , sat in the back row, and asked a bit for forgiveness.

                        OK the Mrs says but that don't explain the black eyes.

                        George explained; The preacher had us all stand to sing and when we did I noticed that the woman in front of me had her dress stuck in her backside. So I reached up and pulled it out. She turned and slugged me.

                        Mrs says that only explains one black eye....

                        George; Well I figured that if it was that important to her I reached up and put it back....
                        near Salem OR

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                        • AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

                          AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

                          THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
                          A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
                          THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
                          THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
                          THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
                          THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
                          THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
                          THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
                          THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
                          1 - Never be arrogant.
                          2 - Don't waste ammunition.
                          3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
                          4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
                          5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

                          At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

                          Location: SF East Bay.

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                          • Well, someone found an answer to the TP shortage. Get a can of Pam, spread your cheeks and spry, NO STICK!

                            Jon
                            SW Mi

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                            • A married couple is sitting at a marriage counselors. The therapist says to the man, "Your wife complains that you never buy her flowers." The man responds, " I didn't know my wife even sold flowers."
                              Location: The Black Forest in Germany

                              How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

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                              • Click image for larger version

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                                Location: The Black Forest in Germany

                                How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

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