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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • (We've gone much too long since the last joke!)

    How much does it cost pirates to get their ears pierced?

    About a buck an ear.
    Lynn (Huntsville, AL)


    • What is a buccaneer?

      Da*n expensive corn. Well, it used to be.


      • Boy shows up at door wearing pirate costume. Resident asks, "Where are your buccaneers?"

        Boy answers, "Under my buckin' hat!"
        Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
        USA Maryland 21030


        • Location: Helsinki, Finland, Europe


          • Just for your information. You pee on a jellyfish sting not on a jelly stain. Again my apologies to the lady at the Waffle House this morning.
            Location: The Black Forest in Germany

            How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!


            • Remember the "Military Grade Aluminum" Ford 150?
              You may only view thumbnails in this gallery. This gallery has 1 photos.

              I would rather have tools that I never use, than not have a tool I need.
              Oregon Coast


              • [from the local next door site] Only in Cockeysville! I swear!! I stopped at the Wawa to use the restroom and as I pulled up, I noticed these 2 police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas.. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the officers standing RIGHT there.. But anyway, I minded my own business and went inside and got my drink.. As I was paying for my drink, I heard someone screaming!! Like I’m talkin' violent death screams!! I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! When I got outside, the officers had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the car.. I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a police car?? And being nosey as I am, I asked the two cops what they were arresting her for.. The officer looked at me DEAD ASS and said, "FOR WAVING A FIRE ARM”!! 🤣🤣🤣
                Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
                USA Maryland 21030


                • My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.


                  • Had some mice try to move in over the last few days. I thought watching my dog Buddy chasing them down and catching them was entertaining.
                    Later I found out that watching my Wife's reaction when she found the mice Buddy had placed on her pillow was far more entertaining.


                    • A friend of a friend put this post on Facebook:

                      A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
                      She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
                      Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

                      Getting There:
                      Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

                      The Hotel:
                      This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

                      The Restaurant:
                      Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

                      Your Room:
                      Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.of a

                      Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

                      Above All:
                      When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
                      Richard - SW London, UK, EU.


                      • I knew a young woman from England who said to the night clerk, "Knock me up at 8 in the morning"

                        Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
                        USA Maryland 21030


                        • I'm reminded just now by the news of Lewis Hamilton breaking Michael Shumacher's win record.

                          Girl to her roommate:

                          "First, I think you'll be disappointed when you see what it really is, and second, it's pronounced 'grand pree' ".
                          "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                          • I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

                            A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

                            Apparently RSVP’ ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

                            Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

                            Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”

                            Aliens probably ride by earth and lock their doors.

                            “You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did. “

                            I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

                            It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

                            I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

                            Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

                            I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

                            As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

                            I thought getting old would take longer.

                            I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

                            Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

                            My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

                            Me: Sobbing my heart out, “ I can’t see you anymore....I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
                            Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

                            I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test...same thing.

                            Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.


                            • An old fighter pilot wearing his flight jacket went to Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee and sat down. Soon a young woman sat down next to him. She turned and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"

                              "Well, I spent my whole life flying fighter aircraft, F-86's in Korea, F-4's in Vietnam and thirty years in the air force. So yea, I guess I am." he replied.

                              As she sipped her coffee she offered, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my entire day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV I think about naked women. It seems that everything makes me think about naked women."

                              The old fighter pilot sat in silence. A bit later a young man sat down on the other side of the old man and asked, "Hey are you a real fighter pilot?" To which the old man replied, "Well I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


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                                Last edited by Tungsten dipper; 10-26-2020, 05:58 PM.