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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Joel I’m not talking about me, I’m talking about bloody society, I find everything funny, esp being hit in the nuts by a golf ball, when did that happen, see
    i do have a sense of humour, I know like me English is your second language so I’m not going to argue ( joking)
    love you and there’s nothing you can do about it


    • Originally posted by lugnut View Post
      I'm not sure this belongs in this section because it happens to me almost every day:
      Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the shop.
      Rule number one in shop. Make sure the floor is devoid of all chips, swarf and debris before taking apart anything with small nuts and bolts........
      Location: The Black Forest in Germany

      How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!


      • There are no truer words spoken then these! This perfectly describes me. Click image for larger version

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        Location: The Black Forest in Germany

        How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!


        • Here's a fun little script that I think I wrote about 6 years ago. Needs JavaScript enabled:

          Here's the source code (HTML) if you would like to expand on it for nerdy kind of fun.
          <!DOCTYPE html>
          <body { margin: 0; padding: 0; }>
          <P> Are you a complete idiot? <input type="button" onmouseover="makeYes(this)" onmouseout="makeNo(this)" value = "NO" ID="myButton1"</input></P>
          <P> Are you competent? <input type="button" onmouseover="makeNo(this)" onmouseout="makeYes(this)" value = "YES" ID="myButton2"</input></P>
          function makeYes(x) { x.value="YES"; }
          function makeNo(x) { x.value="NO"; }

          Paul , P S Technology, Inc. and MrTibbs
          USA Maryland 21030


          • How did You know?
            mark costello-Low speed steel


            • A woman gets a job at a hardware store. A few days later a customer asks for a file, and walks over to the case containing a wide selection of files.

              He points to one of them and says "I'll take that 12" flat bastard."

              Offended, she says "Just a second, please.", and goes into the boss's office.
              She asks him if she has to put up with a customer who swears. The boss says "No. Definitely not.", and they go out of the office.

              The boss says "Oh, Hi Jim, What seems to be the problem?"
              Jim replies, "No problem. I just want to buy that 12" flat bastard."

              Boss says "OK", and sells him the file."

              When Jim leaves, he educates the woman on all the different types of files.

              A few weeks later a customer asks if they carry files.

              She says "Of course, sir", and leads him to the case.

              "As you can see we have a good selection of files. "mill files, rat tails, smooth, half round, and so on. Would you like one of these flat bastards?"

              Customer says "No. Just gimme one of these round mother****ers."


              • Wow, 30 pages.

                This is good so I will add it anyway. It is from my high school group.
                How (some) grandchildren perceive their grandparents

                1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

                2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

                3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

                4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

                5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

                6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
                "What's it about?" he asked.
                "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

                7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

                8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

                9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)

                10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

                11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

                12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
                "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
                "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
                A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

                13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

                14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

                15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
                Paul A.
                SE Texas

                And if you look REAL close at an analog signal,
                You will find that it has discrete steps.