Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Paul Alciatore]

More from my HS friends:

Maybe:

These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[Mike Burch]

These arrived in my inbox yesterday. I particularly like the fourth, but they all seem to be worth sharing.


The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” "Great. I’ll start later.”

Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

[Paul Alciatore]

They were funny in my shop!

[Black Forest]

Everyone has value.

[PStechPaul]

Many pages of good stuff here. You may need to sign up to see images:

https://lawnmowerforum.com/threads/mower-humor.14032/

[Paul Alciatore]

Tire Shop Advisor to Customer:

"I'm sorry, but due to a slight mishap, we won't be able to install your new tires today."

[Tim Clarke]

[QUOTE=Paul Alciatore;n2045076]Tire Shop Advisor to Customer:

"I'm sorry, but due to a slight mishap, we won't be able to install your new tires today."


This would hit really close to home for my friend, John!! He had to advise a customer "The repair to your car was successful, however the vehicle was involved in a serious accident, and is doubtless a total loss. The good news is that I'm not seriously injured!

[Paul Alciatore]

I laughed so hard I had to find a throat lozenge.

My wife cut loose with a fart one night that was so bad it woke me up from a dead sleep and had my dog scratching at the bedroom door to get out, not his typical 'polite' scratch to get out, but up on his back legs scratching with both paws and whining.
So bad, middle of January and I had the windows half open for the rest of the night.

[RB211]

What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Isis terrorist camp?

I don't know, I just fly the drone

[Ian B]

On the vegans, they do have their uses. Come the zombie apocalypse and we all turn into cannibals, they'll be a good substitute for grass-fed meat.

Ian

[Black Forest]

Captain James T. Kirk to Mr. Spock, "what do we know about the inhabitants of this planet?" Mr. Spock to Kirk, " That are not vegans". Kirk, "How do you know that?" Spock, " We have been here five minutes and they haven't told us they are vegans five times."