Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Wrongway]

Two painters, and old guy and a youngster, were working in a large home and late in the day they got to the 2nd floor where they were greeted with a rather large corridor. The youngster says,"I've had enough for one day, I'm going home" The old painter says, "Not me, I'm in it for the long hall"

A pony was giving a speech at a convention and a fellow in the back couldn't hear and shouted for the pony to speak up. The pony says,"Excuse me, I'm a little horse"

[speedy]

Hey Mate,


Really need your advice for a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.

The usual signs; phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid beside the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her
purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the
boat, I noticed...a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket...Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?


Terry

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Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGANPARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , "IN 1967. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-B*TCH ASKED: "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

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Paddy and Murphy


Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

[speedy]

..................

[saltmine]

”You knew the job was dangerous when you took it!"
Super Chicken and his faithful companion Fred, the lion are cruising high above the city, in his “Super Coop”. Super Chicken is looking down upon the city with an unusually large pair of binoculars. Fred notices the optical aids and comments, “Super Chicken, why don’t you use your Super Vision?”
To which Super Chicken replies, ”If I had supervision, do you think they would let me fly around above the city in a chicken coop with a lion?”

[Arcane]

[Liger Zero]

Next up on Mechanical Engineering Radio... The Number One smash-hit single from the movie Lack Of Grease: HOPELESSLY CORRODED TO YOU.

[jugs]

An Irish man had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irish man stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home..
Again, he fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.


He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"


Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"



"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."
.

[jugs]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared th e daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[DICKEYBIRD]

Y'know what's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish farmer?

The Stones say "Hey you, get offa my cloud" the farmer says "Hey McCloud, get offa my ewe!"

[Errol Groff]

A fellow was arrested on a charge of having sex with a goat. So he searches around for an attorney to defend him and finally finds a man who will work cheap and has a reputation for his uncanny ability to pick a jury.

The trial starts and the chief witness against him is on the stand. The prosecutor asks the witness to describe what he saw. Well he says, I saw that fellow there (the defendant) having sex with a goat. Then what happened asks the states attorney, the witness replied that then the goat turned around and liked him clean!

The defendant thought, I am doomed. Just then one juror leaned over and whispered to the man next to him "a good goat will do that you know"!

Errol Groff

[Arcane]

How To Start A Fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 300 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[Weston Bye]

My wife and I went to the restaurant, my wife ordered first, but incomplete. "And the vegetable madam?" The waiter prompted.

"Oh, he'll have the same."

That's when the fight started...

[oldtiffie]

Lighten up

Things are getting a bit stoic and "dry" here so I thought I'd add a couple of "oldies" that have re-appeared in my In-box for the umpteenth time.

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Joining the OZ Army:

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pi$$! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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Subject: Harley Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage.

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked. "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks $1millon plus when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...........

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[Arcane]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

[gary350]

These are called clean jokes. When I was in high school clean jokes were very popular.

In 1967 and 68 do you remember the Tony the Tiger TV commercial?

Q: How do you get a tiger in your gas tank?
A: Kick him in the gas hole.

Q: How do you catch a polar Bear?
A: Cut a hole in the ice then sprinkle some peas around the hole. When he comes to take a pea kick him in the ice hole.

Q: What does a Bowing 707 have in common with a Bleach Blond.
A: They both have a black box.



Telephone Ringing....Hello this is the Police.

FRED....My neighbor George is hiding drugs in his wood pile some how he is hiding them inside the wood.

POLICE....Thanks for the tip.

Police arrive at Georges house and split every piece of wood but find no drugs so they leave.

Telephone Ringing......Hello this is George.

Fred.....Did the police come to your house and split all your wood?

George......Yes they did Fred.

Fred.....Habby Birthday George.



Gene made a machine.
Joe made it go.
Frank turned the crank.
Art let a fart blew it all apart.