Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

    He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

    Mary agreed to go.

    While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

    When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

    The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

    Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

    She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

    The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

    From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

    Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

    This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

    Comment


    • A police officer in Penticton stop at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

      The Police officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

      The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

      A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Police officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


      With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs......

      "Your badge. Show him your F***ing "BADGE"!

      Comment


      • Educational e-mails I've Received Lately

        I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

        I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

        I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

        I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..

        I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

        Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

        I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

        I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

        ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

        I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

        I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

        I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and a special novena/tv evangelist has granted my every wish.

        I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

        I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

        I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

        THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

        BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

        I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

        I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

        I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

        AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring
        me for life.

        I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

        I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

        I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

        I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

        THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

        AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE When traveling in Canada I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

        I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

        I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

        If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .
        . .

        Oh, by the way.....

        A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

        Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


        PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


        Cheers

        Don
        Good, better, best.
        Never let it rest,
        'til your good is better,
        and your better best

        Comment


        • It helps to be smarter than the fish;

          http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/
          Jim H.

          Comment


          • I was at my 30th class reunion last year. My old friend George came over to me and said, "Hey, you remember Pete?".

            Yeah, I said.

            "He dated your old High School sweet heart for three years after you dumped her, then they broke up and he hasn't quit drinking since then, guess that has been about 25 years" said my friend.

            Quickly I replied...."Cripes, that's a long time to celebrate"
            CCBW, MAH

            Comment


            • WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?



              A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,
              his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He

              opened his newspaper and began reading.



              After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"



              The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
              contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."



              The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.



              The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry.

              I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"



              The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."



              MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
              John

              I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

              Comment


              • *"Morning Sex"*

                She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
                Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
                The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
                As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
                Softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

                My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
                Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
                Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
                Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

                Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
                Her T-shirt still around her neck.

                Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"







                She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
                John

                I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

                Comment


                • He's 80, she's 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"He answered, "You've got to keep the old keep the old motor running.

                  The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "you're amazing! How do you do it?" he again said: "you've got to keep the old motor running.



                  "The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!"He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running.



                  "The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil, this one's black!!
                  John

                  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

                  Comment


                  • Three Ladies in a Sauna

                    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

                    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

                    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HADTO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

                    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER..

                    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
                    John

                    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

                    Comment


                    • I was asked to go and see an ex-girlfriend today. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex.



                      The police weren't too pleased as I was only supposed to be identifying the body.

                      john
                      John

                      I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

                      Comment


                      • A Blonde goes to Heaven

                        A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
                        'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance
                        Exam consist of?'
                        'Just three questions' said St Peter.
                        'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
                        'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
                        The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
                        The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
                        'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
                        So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

                        The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
                        'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
                        The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
                        St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
                        'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
                        The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
                        'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
                        'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
                        St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

                        A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
                        Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
                        The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
                        'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
                        'It's Andy.'
                        'Andy??'
                        'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

                        This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How did you arrive at THAT answer?'

                        'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'



                        And the Blonde entered into Heaven...
                        John

                        I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

                        Comment


                        • They're not always blonde.

                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjkCl3-PId8
                          Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

                          Comment


                          • and then confucious say secretary not fixture in office 'till screwed on desk
                            The difficult done right away. the impossible takes a little time.

                            Comment


                            • Sitting together on a train traveling through the Canadian Rockies were a fellow from Saskatchewan , a fellow from Quebec, a little old lady and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

                              The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later, there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

                              The little old lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have groped the blond in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

                              The blond girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

                              The fellow from Quebec thinks:That fellow from Saskatchewan must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

                              The fellow from Saskatchewan thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that a**hole from Quebec again.
                              Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

                              Comment


                              • Health cuts

                                The phone rings and the lady of the house answers: "Hello."

                                "Can I speak to Mrs Jones please."

                                "That's me"

                                "Mrs Jones, I'm calling about your husband's test results, I'm afraid the lab has mixed up the results from your husband's biopsy with those from another Mr Jones and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

                                "What do you mean?" Mrs Jones asks nervously.

                                "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS, we can't tell which is your husband's"

                                "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs Jones.
                                "Normally we can, but with the NHS cuts, they will only pay for these expensive tests one time"

                                "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

                                "We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town"

                                "What then?"

                                "If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him"

                                John

                                I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X