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  • PStechPaul
    replied
    Many pages of good stuff here. You may need to sign up to see images:

    Post your funny images, videos, jokes and riddles to do with mowers, lawn equipment and lawn care in general. :laughing::laughing::laughing: I will start the thread off with a few. Hedge Trimmer

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  • Black Forest
    replied
    Everyone has value.
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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
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    They were funny in my shop!
    Last edited by Paul Alciatore; 01-01-2023, 11:26 PM.

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  • Mike Burch
    replied
    These arrived in my inbox yesterday. I particularly like the fourth, but they all seem to be worth sharing.


    The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

    Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

    “The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” "Great. I’ll start later.”

    Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

    When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.

    Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield

    When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

    Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

    If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

    “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".

    I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

    Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.



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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
    More from my HS friends:

    Maybe:

    These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
    1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
    2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
    3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
    4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
    5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
    6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
    7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
    8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
    9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
    10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
    11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
    12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
    13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
    14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
    15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
    AND THE WINNER IS....
    16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."






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  • Black Forest
    replied
    A man goes to his family doctor. He tells the doctor he thinks his wife is getting hard of hearing and what can he do. The doctor tells him to make a simple test at home first. He tells the man to stand 15 feet behind his wife while she is working in the kitchen at the sink. Then ask her a question. Repeat this process moving 3 feet closer until she answers him. The man agrees and goes home. He stands 15 feet behind her and asks her what she is doing. No answer so he moves closer and asks. He repeats this procedure until he is only 3 feet behind her. She finally answers him. She said, "I told you 4 times already I am making a salad."

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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
    I saved the best for last.

    OLD(ER) AGE




    An apt toast to my birthday would be, "Another year older, another day wiser".




    He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. -Milton Berle




    You know you're getting older when you stoop down to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. -George Burns




    I have my eighty-seventh birthday coming up and people ask what I'd most appreciate getting. I'll tell you: a paternity suit. -George Burns




    People ask why I don't date women my own age. I would, but there are no women my age. -George Burns





    At my advanced age, when people ask if I have children, I love saying, "Not yet"!




    The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy, and lie about your age. -Lucille Ball




    The best way to keep looking young is to hang around with old people (if you can find any).




    Old age is when you can say anything you want at any time because hardly anybody listens to you anyway.




    The strange thing about senility is that anybody who knows he has it doesn't have it.




    If you get old enough, you don't have to act your age, because nobody knows what that age should act like.




    You can get away with a lot in old age. You can do things you've been dying to do since you were a kid.




    After a certain age, there's one thing you learn never to say: "How do I look?"- Someone just might tell you.




    Old age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. Ogen Nash




    You know you're getting old when your favorite pickup line is, "Do you come here often?", and "do you know CPR?"




    You know you're getting old when everybody starts telling you how young you look.




    You know you're getting old when people start talking to you louder than they talk to other people. I SAY, WHEN PEOPLE START TALKING TO YOU LOUDER THAN THEY TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE.




    We say of the deceased that "they've gone to a better place." But deep down we're glad to still be here.



    Old guy goes to the psychiatrist and says, "I feel suicidal". Doc says, "You'll have to pay in advance".



    Old guy goes to the urologist and says, "I can't pee". Urologist say, "how old are you?" Guy says 95. Doc says, "you've peed enough".

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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
    And,

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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
    One more:

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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
    Another:

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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
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    A good one.

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  • Dan Dubeau
    replied
    Parallel lines have so much in common.

    It's a shame they'll never meet....

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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
    Got this from my high school group and had to share it. I like the little old lady's comment:


    Airline Announcements:



    United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’

    ************
    On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

    ************

    'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

    ************
    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and say: 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

    She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

    'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

    The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

    ************
    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

    ************
    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

    ************
    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

    ************
    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

    ************
    'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

    ************
    'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses...except for that gentleman over there.'

    ************
    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
    The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault; it was the asphalt.'

    ************
    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

    ************

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways..'

    ************
    Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing, and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

    ************
    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax....OH, MY GOD!'


    Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

    A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'


    ************

    A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

    He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

    I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY !!!

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  • Paul Alciatore
    replied
    Wow, 30 pages.

    This is good so I will add it anyway. It is from my high school group.
    How (some) grandchildren perceive their grandparents

    1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

    2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

    3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

    4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

    5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

    6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
    "What's it about?" he asked.
    "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

    7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

    8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

    9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)

    10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

    11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

    12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
    "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
    A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

    13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

    14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

    15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

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  • Dan Dubeau
    replied
    A woman gets a job at a hardware store. A few days later a customer asks for a file, and walks over to the case containing a wide selection of files.

    He points to one of them and says "I'll take that 12" flat bastard."

    Offended, she says "Just a second, please.", and goes into the boss's office.
    She asks him if she has to put up with a customer who swears. The boss says "No. Definitely not.", and they go out of the office.

    The boss says "Oh, Hi Jim, What seems to be the problem?"
    Jim replies, "No problem. I just want to buy that 12" flat bastard."

    Boss says "OK", and sells him the file."

    When Jim leaves, he educates the woman on all the different types of files.

    A few weeks later a customer asks if they carry files.

    She says "Of course, sir", and leads him to the case.

    "As you can see we have a good selection of files. "mill files, rat tails, smooth, half round, and so on. Would you like one of these flat bastards?"

    Customer says "No. Just gimme one of these round mother****ers."

    Leave a comment:

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