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Anime alert!!!!!! SWARM!SWARM!

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  • Anime alert!!!!!! SWARM!SWARM!

    Okay,it has finally spread to every corner of the internet,ANIME!Like a fungus it crept in by accident which has prompted me to post this warning since this BBS has no Anime filter-

    Today, President Bush issued an executive order calling for the internment of all Japanophiles. For the first time in 60 years, U.S. citizens will be rounded up and sent to Relocation Camps.

    Unlike FDR's controversial decision to intern Americans of Japanese ancestry during WWII, this order is being hailed by all races and creeds. The Justice Department has already started implementation of this mass internment, and several thousand letters ordering Japanophiles to report to the camps have already been sent out.

    "This is a great day for America" said Bush. "Unlike Japanese-Americans, who proudly served our country in WWII (even after their families were interned), Japanophiles serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever." Renowned behavioral psychologist Joe Needlebrain, agrees. "This whole fascination with 'anime' has gotten way out of hand, and drastic steps like this are really the only chance we have at ridding ourselves of these people."

    Needlebrain then went on to detail the 10 traits of a typical "Japanophile:"

    1) Owns 3 or more 'Dragon Ball' DVDs (or God forbid, SOUNDTRACKS)
    2) Spends at least 14 hours per week watching 'Akira'
    3) Loves 'Princess Mononoke' or 'Inu Yasha,' and reads far too much meaning into these (and other) crap-can cartoons
    4) Is socially retarded and can't get a date
    5) Prefers 'hentai' (cartoons of naked pixie girls or 'up the skirt' shots) over real women
    6) Can name at least 5 Miyazaki movies
    7) Is pasty white (and looks like a glass of milk with hair)
    8) Has 'mutton chop' sideburns
    9) Is bald (or is quickly headed in that direction)
    10) Has a tendency to bore everyone he meets with his 'anime' fixation

    .. These 10 traits are indicictive of the social retards known as "Japanophiles." Needlebrain also pointed out that most of these 'tards have never set foot in Japan, nor would they be wise to do so. Whenever these geeks go outside America, they are often mistaken for Europeans (and give Americans a very bad image overseas).

    This week, Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi issued an apology for the massive spread of this fixation. "All we wanted to do was sell some DVDs and make a little money, but I swear that the Japanese people had no idea it would turn so many Americans into such complete dorks... These Japanophiles seem to think that the Japanese people love Anime as much as they do. I can honestly say that is simply not true. This internment will hopefully repair whatever damage has been done between our two great countries."

    President Bush made his decision after a recent trip to a Seattle Suncoast Video, where he was shocked to see that the 'Anime' section now takes up over 1/3 of the entire store. The final straw was when a Secret Service Agent spotted a rack which sells Japanese 'ame' (candy) such as Pocky, Koala's March, and other assorted goodies (which are normally consumed by 6 to 8-year-old Japanese girls). In addition to the internment, the president has ordered that all video stores be purged of 'anime' sections, and that anyone who has seen "Spirited Away" or "My Friend Tottoro" more then 8 times will be immediately brought in front of a firing squad. It is widely expected that Roger Ebert will be the first to go (for which we are all grateful).So remember,only you can stop the spread of Anime.

    God Bless America!

    Sorry,couldn't resist

    I just need one more tool,just one!

  • #2
    D. Thomas posted this on his site, he could not remember where it came from, but it is fitting for those Japanophiles not interned;

    Pitt junior Brandon Smith wanted a tattoo that proclaimed his manliness, so he decided to get the Chinese characters for “strengthâ€‌ and “honorâ€‌ on his chest. After 20 minutes under the needle of local tattoo artist Andy Sakai, he emerged with the symbol for “small penisâ€‌ embedded in his flesh.

    “I had it for months before I knew what it really meant,â€‌ Smith said.

    “Then I went jogging through the Carnegie Mellon campus and a group of Asian kids started laughing and calling me â€?Shorty.’ That’s when I knew something was up.â€‌

    Sakai, an award-winning tattoo artist, was tired of seeing sacred Japanese words, symbols of his heritage, inked on random white people. So he used their blissful ignorance to make an everlasting statement. Any time acustomer came to Sakai’s home studio wanting Japanese tattooed on them, he modified it into a profane word or phrase.

    “All these preppy sorority girls and suburban rich boys think they’re so cool â€?cause they have a tattoo with Japanese characters. But it doesn’t mean **** to them!â€‌ Sakai said. “The dumbasses don’t even realize that I’ve written â€?****’ or â€?pervert’ on their skin!â€‌

    In the last month, seven people unknowingly received explicit tattoos from the disgruntled artist. Kerri Baker, a Carlow College freshman, paid $50 to have the symbols for “beautiful goddessâ€‌ etched above her belly button, but when she went into Szechuan Express Asian Noodle Shop sporting a bare midriff, the giggling employees explained to her that the tattoo really said, “Insert General Tso’s Chicken Here!â€‌

    “I don’t even like General Tso’s!â€‌ Baker sobbed. “I’m a vegetarian!â€‌

    Sakai doesn’t feel guilty about using hapless college students as canvases for his graffiti.

    “I think I’m helping my fellow man by labeling all the stupid people in the world,â€‌ he explained. “It’s not a crime, it’s a public service.

    Jim H.


    • #3
      I have a sneaking suspicion that that last article is from Carnegie Mellon's joke newspaper called ReadMe. It sounds suspiciously like the kind of stuff they write.


      • #4
        Not all tattoo artists are nice guys like me.

        My old mentor, he had a drunk come in one night wanting a Honda Eagle.. sure enough right there on the wall was a bird with a Honda shield.. After I saw "Crash" put the Red beard on the gobbler I understood it was a turkey with the Honda shield emblazoned underneath. It was a beautiful tattoo, excellent shading with a myriad of colors.

        Yeah, it is probably true.. If you don't know what it says for sure, why immortalize it?

        AND then,,, well... I can't relate "that" story here. Censorship would follow rightfully.


        [This message has been edited by ibewgypsie (edited 11-23-2004).]


        • #5
          I swear Dave,one of the "Guppie bikers" that walked in the shop the otherday had a freakin Pokcy-mon tattoo

          [This message has been edited by wierdscience (edited 11-23-2004).]
          I just need one more tool,just one!


          • #6
            I cant stand dragon ball z, i remmber watching an episode where a good freind of some guy with long hair gets killed and the guy gets mad and the most ofending insult he came up with was "you smell like toe nail". I hate these stupid anime shows. this is north america, not japaniesia


            • #7
              I can only think of 4 Miyazaki films at the moment.